The New System

The logical next step...

"Don't move!" Cheryl felt the cold steel of a revolver against the base of her neck. On this particularly muggy (get it?) July evening she decided to cut through a small park to avoid the downtown foot traffic while walking home from Hot Yoga, just a few block from her apartment. 'This man is bold' she thought, staring hopefully at the guard station only 100' or so away, hoping that someone was watching from behind the glass.

"Can I at least turn around?" she appealed.

"Sure. But I'm gonna need that purse, sweet haht." he replied with a thick Bostonian accent.

"Fine then, just don't hurt me." she pleaded.

"I'm not gonna hut you dahlin, I just want tha purse, now hand it over and we can both go ah separate ways." his Boston was starting to sound more Welsh now. This was obviously his first offense.

"Here." she said, holding her purse out for the stranger.

SMASH! 

"Oh my God!" Cheryl couldn't believe her eyes, or her luck. She looked at the gun, now lying loose at her feet, then at the fake Bostonian's arm, lifeless, and finally at the healthy young pine tree that now lay on top of her aggressor.

Footsteps. In her shock Cheryl had failed to notice the park security guard approaching on an electric golf cart.

"Evening, maam." said the guard in his best 'I've been inconvenienced by the massive tree interrupted armed robbery in progress' voice. Pulling a smart phone from a holster on his belt and tapping a few buttons. "You might wanna stand back."

Accompanied by the sound of hydraulic actuators the tree began to right itself. Slowly at first, but faster once it passed the 45 degree mark until it stood upright again. Save for the blood and small tears of fabric now marking the tree trunk, it was as if nothing had happened.

The security guard walked over with a shovel and began to clean up the mess.

"Should we call the police!?" Cheryl shouted, finally able to speak again.

"Nah, they never answer anyway, and this is a privately funded park, not a city park." the guard replied without looking up from his cleanup duties.

"Well, what do we do then?"

The guard stopped his work, standing up. "Well, if I were you I'd go on home."

He turned back to his work, picking up a pair of recently worn boots. "These'll clean up nice."

SMASH!

A small distance down the sidewalk a dog, its red leash still attached, ran barking from a recently crushed patron.

"What the! Why did it kill that person!?" Cheryl pleaded, starting to believe she was imagining things.

The security guard released a frustrated sigh "Oh, they probably didn't use a doodoo bag for the doggy. One more to clean up."

Cheryl, now sure this was a dream decided to ask a question she would only ask in a dream "I don't understand. Why are the trees killing people?"

"Because, Maam. They're breaking the law. See, the cops never respond fast enough, so we had this brand new, state of the art defense system installed. I'd think you should be grateful seeing as how you're still standing, still have your purse, and ain't got any new bullet holes in ya. Police chief likes the system so much he's had these babies installed all over the city, thinks it'll cut down on manpower concerns. In fact, tonight's the first night the city's gonna use the system." said the man, pressing more buttons on his smart phone, resetting the 2nd tree.

SMASHarfsqueak

The pair spun around to see another pine lying across the walking path, an exposed red leash the only visible clue of its target.

"Why did it kill the dog!?" Cheryl squealed.

"Well, there's still a few bugs to work out, and the trees don't take kindly to dog's marking their territory."

"This is crazy, I'm getting out of here." Cheryl began to stomp away.

SMASHSMASHSMASHSMASHSMASH

Cheryl ran to the busy intersection bordering the edge of the park. Still in their newly totaled cars and recovering from sudden tree assault were several groups of 'beliebers' on their way to a concert.

"What happened, what crime did you commit?!" Cheryl, hysterically asked the closest driver.

"I didn't do anything, Miss." Replied the young girl, out of breath, she looked to be about 16. "I was just listening to the radio and my favorite song came on, and this tree smashed into my car!"

Realizing this must be another thing the trees don't like, Cheryl planned to take it upon herself to call all city radio stations and warn them. "What's your favorite song?" she screamed.

"Baby, by Justin Bie" SMASH

"No!" Cheryl screamed in horror as the girl was crushed under another pine.

The screams continued as Cheryl turned to face the skyline. It was too late for them, but not for her. She ran until she could run no more, outside of the city limits to a small nature preserve on the edge of the main arterial highway. She stopped to rest, more falling than sitting on the vacant park bench, the city looked so peaceful from here. One or two cars sped by and she turned to her small brown leather purse to take stock.

• 2 bottled waters
• 1 cell phone
• 2 credit cards
• a granola bar
• $20 and some loose change
• A hair brush

No problem she thought, I'll just walk until I find a motel. 

Buzzzzz 

Her cell phone vibrated against the wooden seat of the park bench. 

*1 New Multimedia Message* read the screen.

Cheryl did not recognize the number, but assumed it was someone she knew from the city trying to warn her of the impending murder tree invasion. She pressed Play.

SMASH!

"Baby, baby, baby..." The phone's speaker blared as it fell to the ground. Knocked loose from Cheryl's now lifeless hand, hitting the ground with a crack. Then silence. 

What's the moral of the story you ask? I was hoping you could tell me.

Happy Tuesday!

Reviews

[Austin Tyson]

Some valid points, and thanks for catching the it's/its problem. I wrote this one while half asleep on a late flight, which probably explains some of the randomness. I agree, the ending needs some love. I'll reply to more of your points tomorrow, but I'm running out the door now.

Cheers,
Austin

[Austin]

I'm very interested in knowing about the Welsh detail. I can't imagine what that means—but I'm one of those authors that doesn't listen to distinguishing voice qualities, so it could just be me.

[Austin Tyson]

The Welsh detail was meant to reinforce the nerves and inexperience of the robber. He starts with a fake Boston accent (Like the dish network "The Hoppa" commercials), then in his nervousness switches to a Welsh accent which has a thick British feel (Ah instead of Our). In essence he's so nervous that he can't even maintain a fake accent. In my head I was creating a jittery, 'I'm more scared than you' antagonist.

[Austin Tyson]

Also meant to stress the stupidity of the robber was that he was robbing this woman on a sidewalk in a park in plain view of the guard station (Not a police station). The mention of the guard station is to hint at the guards indifference which we see later in the story. He was in the guard house, but does nothing to stop the robbery since he knows the trees will take care of it. He's turned from a park security guard into a cleanup crew, thus the indifference.

Another point that was missed, either because of my writing or you just missed it, was that the park has had the tree system in service for awhile. The city liked the existing system (in the park) so much that the powers that be had the system installed throughout the city, and this is where it all goes wrong. The original system in the park is functioning relatively well, although it crushes the occasional dog owner and dog, but the City installed system has something against Justin Beiber. Was this the work of an angry programmer or are the trees self aware? Why Justin Beiber? These are the (silly) questions the reader is meant to ask.

[Austin]

I see what you mean by the accent change. I must've been trying to read into it too much. It's a nice detail, methinks.

For the location point: I think if you really wanted to get this weird world system across, I'd suggest showing something about the police force not responding, or—since this is a relatively new system—their watching to see if it works. Making Cheryl a guinea pig in their plot, I think, would make things both funnier and more odd.

For the other point, about the establishment of the system, you might want to specify the city's preference over it; you state that the police chief liked it so much, he had it installed. There doesn't seem to be an indication of the city's opinion in there.

I did question why it chose Justin Bieber just a little bit, but just a little bit; there wasn't the trees doing their normal functions, like stopping jaywalkers, California-rollers (sorry, it's the only term I know for people that roll into a crosswalk at a stop sign without stopping and then taking off) or stopping an actual crime. I do find the odd situation funny, but I think it needs a bit more contrast with it accomplishing its intended function—if Justin-Bieber-stifling isn't in its programming, which it could very well be—for it too seem more odd.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. I do find it to be funny, and will be adding it into my library for things to read in the future.

[Austin]

Before I begin this, I would like to stress that this is just my opinion, and that opinion comes from a person that has neither read nor written much. Please keep that in mind when reading this comment. And I aim neither to discourage nor to insult you; I am just offering my opinion.

"I'm not gonna hut you dahlin, I just want tha purse, now hand it over and we can both go ah separate ways." his Boston was starting to sound more welsh now. This was obviously his first offense.

I'm supposing the change from Bostonian to Welsh (which may or may not need to be capitalized) is a detail that's gained through careful listening, because I have no idea what that implies.

Getting to the actual story itself, it was entertaining. I like, first and foremost, the different accents you give the characters. The park security guard sounded relaxed, a bit bouncy (I can't think of another word at the moment) and somewhat excited for the new change. The robber was distinct, and I like how his conversation was both quick and drawn out, as if he's trying to hurry but he lacks the experience to pull off a quick act of thievery. Sara sounds a bit proper, although I confess she doesn't sound distinct; I don't think that matters, though, since the focus is more on the completely ridiculous (and strangely possible) situation presented, and in that case, her reactions are energetic enough to not seem flat, yet un-distinct enough to seem like an every(wo)man. At least that's what I think.

In short, I like your characterization.

There are a few things that don't make sense to me, such as why a person is attempting to rob a woman a hundred feet from a police station, where the visibility range is ridiculously near to them and he could most likely be spotted (unless there's something unacknowledged within the setting—although my confusion stems more from the guy's decision of location), or why it matters that it's a privately funded park (I can understand the reasoning if the police don't answer, but I can't understand why the difference between a privately-funded and a publicly-funded park matters; it doesn't seem to matter since the trees are installed everywhere in the city). Those are perhaps nitpicks, but they do confuse me.

Despite this, the ridiculous events that took place in your story, and the reasons behind them, entertained me. It was made better by the officer's casual acknowledgement and Cheryl's frantic reactions. I do think that you could add a lot more comical reasons people can be, um, treed... yeah, tree.

Don't Tree on Me!

Or something.

Anywho, the ending is the big reason why I say I would like to see more. Firstly, she runs out of the city, into a natural preserve, and doesn't seem to make an attempt to run home AT ALL after trying to run away. Secondly, she gets crushed from an anonymous video—that doesn't appear to be a spam message as advertisement for the concert—of Justin Bieber's "Baby." This, honestly, seems to be an anticlimax. This is a funny tale, but the ending, for me, wasn't funny. Maybe it's because, amid all the random things that happened, the ending was either not random enough (she was crushed for an entirely personal and silly reason) or too random (it entirely wasn't her fault, nor does it seem connected to the concert). Maybe it's just my looking too much into it, but I just didn't find it funny.

I would like to stress that I found the rest of it funny; I just think the story needs to be a bit more descriptive, and have more—if you decide to come back to this story.

Technically, I like the wordplay you give your dialogue mainly. I'm also a fan of the onomatopoeia (with the word SMASH written the way it is), and the non-prose things such as the bulletpoint list and the multimedia message akin to that found on a phone, fit with the story, in my opinion. There was one thing that I saw you do consistently: use the wrong its/it's.

"A small distance down the sidewalk a dog, it's red leash still attached, ran barking from a recently crushed patron."

"The pair spun around to see another pine lying across the walking path, an exposed red leash the only visible clue of it's target."

Both of those it's should be its.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. It's funny and interesting. I would just like to see more ridiculous situations, and a funnier ending. But that's just me.