Midnight memories

A wise man once said, SCREW IT!

         To begin with, let's make one thing clear, this is definetly not a love story; It is a story about love. 

You may wonder what is the difference, and you're absolutely right. The difference, my friend, is that a love story has a charming beginning and a happy ending. This one is way far from that.. The story I am telling you has started out of the blue and it is just not ending anytime soon, or so I hope.

     A love story is between two people, yet my story is between me and my beautiful mind that just won't stop overthinking... and him, whom I'm trying not to mention, but in vain. 

     This will probably be my suicide letter if I ever commited one.

     but whom will I send it to? 

       At this point, I'm still not capable of talking about love as it, because even the sweet memories that I'm left with have turned bitter. 

Funny, isn't it? the fact that the happy moments we had, remembering them makes me as melancolic as one could ever possibly be. 

Wanna know what hurts the most? the fact that it DID happen. There actually was an US but now it is just me... and him, standing from a far, watching me as I fall to pieces, with no will to stick them back together.

Losing him was not the worst part of the process. The thing is, among with saying goodbye to him, I remembered each and every goodbye that was ever said to me during my not so long life.

Losing him came along with losing the will to even exist. Waking up every morning knowing that he's no longer a part of my life, it just didn't feel quite right. 

Losing him was like losing everything I stood for and everyone I ever cared about. I'm not even sure that I ever cared about anyone other than him. 

I am a good person, I trully am, but I'm not quite the caring kind, I can't recall a time in which I made the slightest effort to not lose someone; till I met him. 

      I know it all might sound a bit exagerated, but it is nothing but the truth. I, myself, didn't think it was humanly possible to love someone this much, without asking for nothing in return, not expecting to be loved in return, unconditionnaly and so so very deeply. Knowing that his heart is elsewhere, believing that this won't end well, and yet not hesitating to give more and more of my unconditional love. 

    But then what? 

If I was to make a wish, there's nothing I'd possibly wish for except for unknowing him. How spectacular would it be to wipe off every single memory I have of his small brown eyes, looking at me so deeply, as if he was sucking the life out of me; so passionately, as if I were all he ever wanted and longed for. 

     Funny isn't it? The fact that I  no longer know what I stand for. Once I had my own beliefs that no one could ever change, principles that felt so strong and unchangeable.

And yet here I am now, a new me, a version he had created and grew bored of so he threw away and started the quest for a new pure soul so he could turn it into filth. 

     Telling me that I should focus on my own self is like encouraging me to think more about him, for he is a part of me and that is something I cannot deny even if I wanted to. 

      How silly it is to tell me that I should meet someone new! repeating the same things I used to say to him, experiencing the same feelings... that is not something I'm capable of, at least not anytime soon. 

       What I hate the most about this, is the fact that I can no longer trust not only him but everybody who steps a bit more closer to me than they should. I'm starting to think that everyone who talks to me wants something from me. 

     No, that is not the worst to it, now what really did affect me is my self esteem, once so high it could reach the sky, now it had lowered enough to crash the bottom. I did hate him for leaving, but I hated him more for making me compare myself to every single one of them, the girls he talked to. Wondering what they could possibly have and I don't.

 The thought of all this makes me sick. 

      Here I am, after a long night of overthinking, not able to fall asleep because of the God damned insomnia that wouldn't leave, not quite sure if he will ever read this but writing it anyway for my own sake, it needed to come out or else I would've burst. 

My dear, everything I said is nothing but the truth, but worry not, I will love you till my soul leaves this poor body. I could've said until my last breath, but you know too well how much I love complicating things.