Maybe in heaven we'll meet.

This is me celebrating your birthday. If you were still here, you would have turned 56 years old.

     You weren't here as I passed sixth grade, nor when I passed the ninth one. You won't be there for me as I graduate high school, nor on my first day of college.

You won't support me as I complain about how hard med school is.

You weren't there for me when I had my heart broken for the first time.

You weren't the one I cried to at night when I couldn't sleep.

You did not defend me on the so many fights that I had with my brothers.

Do you realise that?

Didn't you for a second, just a second, think about my future without you, as you lit your twentieth cigarette? 

Didn't you care a bit about me? 

Just like you, I did not know it was cancer that you had. 

I did not for a fraction of a second think that, one day, you'd be gone. The thought hadn't crossed my mind, and neither yours. 

If only I had known, I wouldn't have gotten so attached to you. I would have loved mom more than I loved you. 

You won't walk me down  the aisle and you won't get to hold my first child. 

      I hate that I didn't get to know you better. Yet, I believe that you were the greatest man. I'll make sure my kids will love you as much as I do. I'll keep telling them that their grandfather was a hero and that he fought till his last beath. 

I really wish you had been a bad father so your death wouldn't affect me this much. 

I wish you were still here so I could talk about you as much as my friends talk about their fathers.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you, how much I miss you. 

How much it pains me that you're not here with me. 

That family gatherings make me as melancolic as I could ever be, because you're not here with me. 

I still think that this is temporary, that one day you'll be back, that you'll enter by our front door. But then I come to the realisation that death is permanent and when somebody is gone, they're gone forever. 

I hate you for not quitting smoking.

I hate you because you were so selfish that you didn't think about the family you're leaving behind.

I love you so much that it's killing me, that it's making my every fiber ache with pain. I have a burden on my chest that wouldn't leave me since you're gone.

You, daddy, were my first heart break.

I wish I got to say goodbye, but I didn't. 

I wish I could talk about you without crying, but I can't.

I can still hear your voice singing me "Dizdizzi Jinoppi." 

I miss you so much, but maybe in heaven we'll meet.