You.

The land of women is a dangerous place to walk

Use with discretion, it's prone to shock

But every single day, you get closer than a close friend

I really hope it's just pretend

I cut the sleeves on my shirt

Maybe my heart is immune to hurt

Somehow your smile melts my walls of stone

You've got me checking my phone

Living life on a short fuse

Can't afford to slip up because old memories bruise

Cautiously optimistic for a dimly lit future

It's a funny thing falling for the 'moocher'

Completely sober but I wake up hung-over

Times like these, I could use a four-leaf clover

I can't run away because my thoughts make me trip

Feels like I'm stuck on a sinking ship

Losing my mind, I don't know what to do

I can't stop thinking about you

I can't sleep at night

Something's missing and it's not right

Author's Note

not finished yet. opinions? comments?

Reviews

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

You got my undivided attention from these first four wickedly well placed and crafted lines . . . .


The land of women is a dangerous place to walk

Use with discretion, it's prone to shock

But every single day, you get closer than a close friend

I really hope it's just pretend



and held it through the entire walk through such a wonderfully dangerous land~

[Suzy Q]

It tripped on some lines, or it didn't make sense in some moments. But overall I liked it. Good message, I agree with some of the previous reviews that it sounded sort of like a rap becuase the rhymes were so... Random. True, it needs some work, but for the first draft it's not that bad.

[Cherrie Palmer]

it's not bad ( i liked it) I think with alittle work readers would like it better. Add a few lines here and there to give it her scent, personality and shine, show what about her has you hooked and keeps you from sleeping at night// not to much info just a hint sprinkled throughout

[Chelsea]

To be completely honest, this almost read like a rap for me. It could be the randomness of the rhymes, as Hayley mentioned. My favorite line was "Can't afford to slip up because old memories bruise". Great choice of words there(:

[Ruth]

To me....all it needs - maybe - is a couple of lines adding...you have turmoil here...you have depth, a brilliant poem love, I love it! Maybe the ending needs a harshness of reflection of the self even more....to what depths has one sunk through all of this, but hey.....its already a perfect poem....why fix what isn't broken ey? lol Excellent poem! xx

[Hayley]

I would work on the rhymes a bit. I mean they're fine and they work, but some of them seem a little random to me. I like how you opened up the poem though with the "land of women" phrase. I think this is unique but could use a little polishing up. Overall, I think your emotion will make the poem really just how you want it. But that's just writing :)

[Aleyah]

this is sweet...obviously, but other than that it's kind of...spunky, I guess would be the word for it, maybe, anyway...it's pretty fluid and the comparisons are cute. nice piece :)

[?]

Very nice, funny thing, that thing called love. The things we endure, we put up with, the lengths will go, etc. All because of love.
Very nice
Well written
Thanks for sharing with me.

[Liz]

I like it, it's very sweet. Whoever it is dedicated to must be fantastic(:
There were a few moments where the forced rhyming distracted from the significance from the poem, but other than that it was good.
Nice job!(:

[brenda]

its because youre in love ! aaw so sweet love the peom its so concise great pace of the poem and its really good now great imagery metaphors love it !