Who Said That?

Short nonfiction about the voices in my head. Written for a creative writing class.

Who Said That?

                                    You know that thing you do that’s kinda funny to some people, but it’s piss-yourself hilarious to you? That’s what my voices are to me. I mean, they aren’t really MY voices, but more like borrowed from other characters to create new ones. They mostly manifest at work with my friends, or around my girlfriend should she find herself so fortunate. They’re sort of like a terrible virus. I’ll start talking in a different voice, and then it will plant itself into my friends until you have 3 or 4 people cursing in Mickey Mouse’s shrill tone.

                                    Chances are you are reading this, so I’ll try to accommodate for that. Giving you an idea of who I like to talk as, or what the voice sounds like. If I’m reading this aloud though I guess I’m obligated to actually, you know, do the voices. In which case, lucky you!

                                    I’ve never been terribly great at impressions. Mainly just terrible. When I was a kid it would be Chris Farley or Adam Sandler bits I’d see on Saturday Night Live. Today I’m “Oh my globbing” my way through a bad version of Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time. Not familiar with that one? That same voice can also be used for an “Everybody Loves Raymond” effect. To add further versatility, I also use it to channel Zooey Deschanel. She’s so quir-ky!

                                    I couldn’t tell you the first voice I liked talking in. That goes back to when I was a kid and probably was talking in gibberish. I can tell you my first persona I crafted though. A friend of mine dubbed him “Wilcox” though he doesn’t really have a name. He speaks in an intellectual, yet menacing tone akin to Hannibal Lecter. He basically is Hannibal Lecter, except with a pet beetle named Proteus. At first he was mistaken to talking in the third person, so my friends thought he WAS Proteus. But Proteus is just a beetle you see. (Again, if I’m reading this aloud, then you’re being treated to my madness.) Wilcox and Proteus spawned inside jokes among my friends and a great annoyance with my girlfriend. I’ll only bust them out for special occasions, like this paper.

                                    Recently I’ve taken to insulting my coworkers in an incredibly harsh, unforgiving tone. Sort of like a disapproving paternal figure if you will. If they make a mistake with the money (I work in retail) I’ll say something like “even a lowly dog like you cannot seem to grasp the simple concept of counting.” It’s ok though, because I said it in a voice. That’s what I tell myself anyway. Helps me sleep at night. That and gives them a pass to say that “even a good natured FREAK like you couldn’t become manager if your life depended on it.” It’s cool though ‘cause they said it in a voice.

                                    I used to think I’ve created these characters as a way to stop being myself. They were an escape from everyday life and helped me forget that it was me going through whatever stressful situation I was in. It wasn’t me, it was a 30’s style gangster, or an old British lady. But the more I’ve been doing them I realize it is me. You can’t escape real life, but you can make it more bearable, especially with a bunch of silly voices living inside of your head.