Come Back

I had to bury you today. They wouldn't let me see you one last time. I stood by you all through the service as the pastor, whom you always hated, spoke of you like he knew you. Your parents shook the hands of everyone you hated while they filled in to the church, dressed in suits and dresses of lace. The flowers that were placed on your casket were the kind you liked the least. I could not leave you all through the songs they sang, the scriptures they read. Though others found comfort in the words that flowed so well together, I broke apart.

No songs, no flowers or words of verse could bring you back to me. Your laugh, your strong hands, your tender kisses. The way you danced in the rain, or how you sang in the shower. There will always be that empty space in our bed. 

When they carried you out, into that hearse, as the crowds broke and went to their homes, to their fires and warm blankets, I rode with you to your grave. Your grave. Those words, they hurt me more than you could ever know. How I miss you, Emily. So much. But I rode with you, and watched as they lowered you into the cold, wet ground, where you would wait for me. Wait for me until I could be with you again.

When you were safe, I closed my eyes and sang to you, sent those words to heaven for you. That song you loved, loved so much. I sang as loud as I could, Emily, so I could be sure that you would hear me. I sang until I could no longer speak, the sun, in mourning hid behind the clouds as my voice failed me. 

Long after darkness fell, I sat with you, because I knew you do not like to be alone. I could not leave you, in truth. The world that I remained in, now was so dark without you. I did not know if I was strong enough to face it without you. All night I stayed with you, curled up there, on the cold ground so high above you. Singing to you though I had no voice, my tears soaking my coat and shirt. I could still feel your arms around me warm and firm as you held me at night. Or your soft morning kisses, the sun flooding our bedroom golden and hopeful.

But now, it is only me here. I wish for you every moment, Emily. I pray that you are some place good, and were nothing bad can happen. A place beautiful, a place you could be happy, even if I am not there. But how, how can I be happy here without you, I wondered. I did not know how to breathe without you, nor how to live without you. My heart, broken as it was, continued beating. My hands so cold, as cold as you were that day, when I found you there. 

I close my eyes, let the memories of our life together take me to you. The very first day I saw you, the day you stole my heart, brought me back to life. The day all color returned to my grey scale world. It is a day, now, that I will always hold dear. 

I remember your pale yellow sun dress as is fluttered in the summer breeze, your smile, so bright and pure. We were kids then, those years ago. They seem so far away now. But so real. I watched you as you ran, feet bare through the sea, as it lapped at your toes. Your dress was damp at the hem, you danced in the spray as the gulls flew overhead. I watched you from the top of the dune, so shocked by your beauty, the music of your laughter as it reached my ears. 

I could not look away as you twirled in the water, the breeze playing with your brown hair. Suddenly, you met my eyes, yours so blue, deep as the very ocean you danced in. You smiled at me then, as if we had known each other as old friends, as if we had been brought together again by fate. I could not help but smile back as you turned to go, up the beach, casting me glances over your bare shoulders, and smiles as sweet as honey.

Oh, my dear Emily. That was only the beginning.