Still Alive

A rant kind of thing I guess.

  You are still

  alive, I feel

  you here.

  I can feel your

  breathe on

  my shoulder,

  bare in the

  moon light.

  I can feel you

  under my skin,

  ripping and tearing,

  eating my heart.

  I can hear you

  speaking,

  I can feel

  your voice,

  rocking through

  out my body.

  You are still

  alive.

  You were

  never gone.

  You stayed here.

  Even though

  you knew it was

  so wrong. 

  

Reviews

[Riley Black]

This is a good piece. I spend my time trying to carve ambiguities within my own poetry and I can see a flare of the same within yours. You make the reader think; creating their own individual perceptions about the true destination of the poem.

Why don't you try and place more of an emphasis on the emotions of your narrator in the same sort of style as the 2nd and 3rd stanza?
Using more metaphors can also add a layer of mystery to your writing, something that the simplicity of your writing points towards.

Overall I think its a very competent piece and you should be proud of your efforts.

[Cynthia]

SHort, clear, straight to the point, I love it. I see there're short lines as well, is not that I don't like it,but I actually think you can try writing longer lines, the flow will be better :) I enjoy reading it so much, and the flow of this poem as well.
Nice Written!

[NickyGL]

I enjoyed reading this, it was a really good piece.

[Skoo.]

This gave me chills (: Great write, thanks for the RR (:

[Sujash I. Purna]

This is beautiful. A dark passenger. A second voice. I know the helplessness when you suspect it's gone. Beautiful poetry indeed!

[~Lizzy♬]

Love this poem. I think it would be an awesome song if you tweaked it a lil bit :)

~Lizzard~

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

I like!
These would make haunting lyrics.

[Eile MacIntyre]

I like the small lines. It's different but creates kind of a breathy feel. A short beat with the words. The emotion in this is rather intense as well.

[Ice]

I have noticed that you like the short and choppy lines, im not sure if i favor that as much. I really like the message behind this one though. I know what you mean by being able to physically and mentally FEEL a presence.