Dark plague

A kingdom is overrun by an army of dark creatures.

Bishop Vaul felt the blood freeze in his veins as he looked down on the vast, dark army below. Outside of the safety of their stronghold, the foul unholy creatures spread out as far as his eyes could see. He got down on his knees and prayed, as he had done so many times the last month. He prayed for forgiveness for whatever sins they were all being punished, for he was certain that god had sent this army of horrible creatures to cleanse the lands of sinners.

"Still talking to this god of yours, Vaul?" a voice suddenly asked behind him. Vaul, not having heard the man approach,  jumped to his feet, startled by the man's voice. The long agonizing siege they had endured had made him nervous and jumpy, as it had made almost every man in the stronghold. The only one who seemed unaffected was the base's commander, Hector, who seemed as calm as ever.
"How dare you blaspheme in this hour of darkness, Hector?" Vaul angrily responded, annoyed that the commander seemed to be in such a good mood, with his characteristic grin covering his scarred face.
"You know I'm not a man of god, Vaul." Hector calmly replied.

Unlike everyone else in the base, Hector had had no trouble sleeping, despite the threat that was lurking just outside the enforced wooden walls, and was therefore the only one who wasn't red eyed and constantly tired. This annoyed bishop Vaul even more, as he was constantly tortured by his lack of sleep.

Hector walked past him with light steps over the wooden floor, the morning sun lighting up his face as he reached the tower's window.

"You cannot possibly expect to defeat this army!" Vaul exclaimed as he noticed that Hector was dressed for battle, fully armored and with his sword by his side. Gazing out the window, Hector didn't respond for a while and let a cold silence settle over the room. He thought about the peaceful and happy times that the kingdom had enjoyed merely a month before, and the terror that had swept the lands since then.

A mysterious and unusually heavy rain had struck the lands by the end of the fourth month of the year, holding the kingdom in its grasp for several days, making any traveling impossible. And with the rain came the cursed plague. In the days following the storm, as the people could once again leave their houses, reports started coming in of mysterious creatures attacking villagers and cattle all over the kingdom. No one could be certain where they had come from, but rumor had it that they had emerged from the earth itself, released by the ungodly rain.

Regardless of the creatures' origin, the king had quickly put every able swordsman on exterminating the new threat, but the creatures had proven difficult to defeat, and had quickly replicated and spread across the lands like a plague, outnumbering and overwhelming the men. The last thing Hector had heard before his stronghold had been besieged was that every nearby village had been overrun, leaving him in charge of the last spot of safety in the region. The base was therefore heavily overpopulated with terrified villagers who had left their homes in panic.

"The creatures are weak and starving now." he finally replied. "This is our chance to strike. Besides, our food supplies are running out fast, we will die a certain death if we stay locked up in here for much longer. And I prefer to die fighting." he added with a smile. "I'm leaving you in charge of the base as I lead the men into battle." he continued after a short pause. "Hopefully we will be able to break though the lines and find other surviving forces."

Half an hour later, bishop Vaul watched Hector and all the swordsmen in the base ride out of the stable and stop in the courtyard, preparing for their attack. It was a mighty sight as the nearly two hundred men lined up for attack, waiting for the servants to open the gates.

The very ground trembled as the men, with Hector in the front, dashed out of the gates and started cutting through the lines of the creatures, leaving a trail of death behind them. Bishop Vaul again fell to his knees in prayer as their last hope of salvation rode out of sight from his tower.

Author's Note

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Reviews

[Ben Campbell]

Okay one grammar issue: When you have a new speaker ALWAYS start a new paragraph. It helps elucidate who is speaking. Yeah I think that what you could do is have the one novel (or series of novels) and have short stories off to the side giving different viewpoints of various events. Vaul seems a little archetyped, but thats not really a problem. A description of the creatures would be good, though.

[AndyJCash]

I read this piece as if it's written with a certain level of professionalism. I could imagine this, as said before by Knuckles, as just a small part of a bigger story. It's a great write, well done!

[Knuckles]

Many congratulations. This is an extremely well written piece. The author has a better command of English grammar and punctuation than many WC members from English-speaking nations. The story deserves to be worked up into somehing a great deal more substantial.

[Mathias]

Thanks man, I really appreciate your advice! As a new writer, reviews like this is exactly what I need in order to improve and become better at writing. Thanks :)

[TheSweet]

I like the narrative explanation you've given it. It makes it clear as you're saying what you mean. However, i might suggest using more descriptive words and maybe metaphors or things to explain because you've left a lot of it down to the imagination which makes it hard to picture the scene or the characters that well. With a bit more imagery, this could be a strong piece.

It has a fantasy feel and that there is a lot more of it - almost like it's a snapshot of a much more epic event - that is quite a nice thing to have in a short story like this. If you spend a couple of times editing to reword (or mix up the sturcure of the sentences), making sure it all comes across clearly and emotively then you'll definitely have something great. Editing can be a bit of a b***h sometimes, but all writers have to endure it.

Did enjoy the idea and leaves a lot of the plot to the imagination - things like what happens next. Well done, good read :)