Fallen down

A fighter's struggle to get back up.

One!"

I heard the shouting of the crowd as if from afar, and the people moving before my eyes were nothing more than blurry shapes, flashing before my blinking eyes. The strong light burned my eyes as I tried to focus, forcing them shut. I could barely feel my own body, all I felt was a great pain pulsing through my muscles. As I slowly returned to consciousness, I could vaguely make out the commentator's voice above all the shouting.

"Two!"

Gathering my thoughts, I realized that I was lying on my side on the cold, plastic floor of the arena, gasping for air. I could feel something wet and sticky on the floor; perhaps it was sweat, perhaps blood, perhaps both. I didn't care. I tried lifting my arms, but my limbs refused to obey my brain. I felt myself drifting out of consciousness once more, and had to force my eyes to stay open. I desperately tried to get to my feet, but managed nothing more than to roll over on my stomach.

"Three!"

Becoming more and more conscious, I felt the greatest pain become centered to my chest and left leg, the areas where I had taken the hardest strikes, and I felt warm blood pouring down my cheek and onto the floor. I could feel the combined taste of blood and sweat in my mouth, the far too familiar mix of salt and copper. I tried to spit, but as I did, an intense pain shot through my mouth from the movement. Ignoring the pain, I once again tried lifting my arms, but my aching muscles allowed me to do nothing more than slightly move my hands.

"Four!"

Everything was spinning before me as my eyes slowly got used to the light and the blurs started taking shape. The shouting around me got clearer, turning into the thundering roar of a crowd gone wild. I started to regain control of my thoughts, and as my thoughts returned, I became more and more aware of my body and my surroundings.

"Five!"

As I turned my head, slowly and painfully to the side, I saw a woman just outside the fence of the arena, shouting at me. Trying to gather my thoughts, I realized that I knew this woman, that it was someone close to me. Barely being able to make out her face, I noticed that she was upset, shouting and crying uncontrollably.

"Six!"

As I once more lost focus and felt myself drift into unconsciousness, I forced myself to look away from the woman, focusing on getting back to my feet. Gathering all my strength, I managed to lift my arms and move them to the sides of my body, but as I attempted to push myself up from the ground, they merely trembled from exhaustion. 

"Seven!"

Realizing that in order to get up I would have to gather all my strength, I let my arms fall back to the floor, resting only for a moment. I could feel my entire body now, and my mind was slowly returning to normal. As I looked back at the hysterical woman, I realized that she was my wife, cheering me on. Her beautiful face was covered in tears, and I could see her eyes were filled with fear. Once again I lifted my arms and placed my hands on the floor, empowered by the mere sight of my wife. 'It's now or never,' I thought.

"Eight!"

With all my strength I pushed away from the floor, slowly raising my upper body into the air. I looked down at the mixed pool of sweat and blood on the floor beneath me, slowly expanding from the blood dripping from my face. My entire body trembled from the strain, and the pain was becoming unbearable. I wanted nothing more than to fall back to the floor and drift away into unconciousness, away from the pain. But as I looked again at the woman outside the fence, I knew that I could not give up. Not now.

"Nine!"

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally got up on my knees, giving my arms a moment of rest before continuing to my feet. My body ached as I stood there on my knees with the crowd going wild around me. I felt as if my legs would break as I used all my power to push myself up, barely being able to keep my balance in the spinning world around me. 'I made it!' I thought, just as the bell rang, finishing the fight.

Author's Note

I would really appreciate constructive criticism on this, what I need to improve. Also, let me know if there was anything I did right, or anything you liked.

Reviews

[Ripple of Aqua]

I really liked reading this; for points though, in the first paragraph, I noticed that you kept describing all that was happening before your eyes, and how your eyes burned, and so forth, and the fact that the first sentence could have been cut up more. I would say that you should not focus so much on the 'subject' (of what your eyes are doing) and just say what is happening.
Org: "I heard the shouting of the crowd as if from afar, and the people moving before my eyes were nothing more than blurry shapes, flashing before my blinking eyes."
EX: "I heard the shouting of the crowd, as if from afar. And the people that were moving before my eyes were nothing more than blurry shapes, flashing quickly across my vision."
In the second paragraph you are expressing anther subject too much; 'I' this time. Why not, instead of starting with 'I could,' or 'I felt' you would just say the verb?
Org:"I could feel something wet and sticky on the floor;"
EX: Something wet and stick lay on the floor at my fingertips;"
The third paragraph was good, but then again on the fourth paragraph; this part almost sounded like it should've been in a third person point of view. So maybe a change or switching of words would do great here.
Org:"I started to regain control of my thoughts, and as my thoughts returned, I became more and more aware of my body and my surroundings."
EX: "Slowly, I started to come back, the thoughts in my head were coherent now, and everything around me became clearer, and sharper. My body quickly realized its surroundings."
I saw in your six to eight frame that the story kinda gets distorted here; you weren't really keeping it in chronological order I thought;
In the six paragraph: "Gathering all my strength, I managed to lift my arms and move them to the sides of my body, but as I attempted to push myself up from the ground, they merely trembled from exhaustion."
And then in the seventh paragraph: "Realizing that in order to get up I would have to gather all my strength,"
And finally in the eight paragraph: "With all my strength I pushed away from the floor, slowly raising my upper body into the air."
And I thought: didn't you already say you used all of your strength before? So maybe it was the trick of the words, or my own mind.
After all of that I had to complain about; there was nothing wrong with it. I could tell that you actually really got captivated into the story by this point and was just telling it as it is. As it should've been.
My favorite line: "I wanted nothing more than to fall back to the floor and drift away into unconciousness, away from the pain. But as I looked again at the woman outside the fence, I knew that I could not give up. Not now."
The sincerity rings in those words. And this was a great read.

[Blue Moon Ice Cream]

Boxing is a sport that I don't like to watch, because it's so violent, but I enjoyed your descriptions. My only thought is that I didn't know enough about the character or his background to really push for him to get up. I didn't care one way or another. Then again, this is a good length as is, and it stands well on its own. And like Ripple said, there seemed to be a lot of "I feel." You're a very talented story-teller, though; your words and sentences flow together well.

[Niki Wilson]

I found this, reallly descriptive. Nice vocabulary, equals a great job! Good write!

[Ben Campbell]

I feel a little slow it took me till four to realize 'ooooooh he's one of those boxer type people. I get it now. (slaps forehead)' Yeah, Ripple covered the issues I would've mentioned, although they aren't really issues... just ways to make it better. I do have one thing to add: When you get knocked flat on your a*s in a fight (an experience which I DO have) you kind of view yourself in a sort of third person, which is part of how you cope with the pain. It might be tricky getting something like that to work, but I think it could.
and @ TheSweet blood tastes like salt and copper. So he did include it.

[Knuckles]

A clever subject choice. A very easy and evocative read . Thanks

[TheSweet]

I love this one. Once again, strong narrative voice. It's explained in a good amount of detail. And you've avoided the cliché cause he didn't make it. I did start to think it would be silly if he did make it, because if getting up is so much effort, he's not going to be able to carry on fighting. Counting the seconds makes it powerful too, and it really keeps you reading to find out what happens in the next part.

You talk about what he felt and the strugle as if from inside his head well. Perhaps you could add some of the other sense for description, like the smell of his own blood or the mixture of sweat on the floor. Perhaps with his delerium it's likely that his vision would blur slightly on and off - and after waking up he would have been really sensitive to light. And what does the blood taste like?

Just have a re-read through to see what you think you can add, feel what he feels and think what things you could throw in from the other senses :) Doesn't have to be much, but it's all I can think to add.

[Collin Hinds]

I really liked the ending--that the character did not triumphantly make it before the bell rang. I have read that for the most part the body holds pain in abeyance when in a high pressure situation. But I have never been knocked unconscious to my a*s in a cage fight, so I can't speak to that specific situation.