Tournament

Zach Lora is about to finish his warrior training, and is put to the test.

Zach opened his eyes to the sound of the grand bell and, without even thinking, jumped to his feet,  grabbing the sword which stood leaning against the wall next to his mattress. As he stood perfectly still with his sword in hand, waiting for the morning inspection, he looked around at all the other disciples of his squadron.

 

Forming two perfect lines along the walls where they had slept every night for the last ten years, the 20 disciples in the room all stood as if frozen in place, afraid to move before the squadron commander arrived. Zach smiled, a smile which was answered by several of the other disciples. They all knew that it was only a matter of days left before their graduation, before their hardship would finally be over and they would be free to leave as true Monasterians.

 

Just as the first gleams of sunlight shone through the tiny windows high up by the ceiling, spreading its light across the plain wooden walls of the room, the commander burst in through the dormitory doors. Zach did not much care for the short, balding man who was slowly inspecting the squadron's beds, postures and clothing, but he respected him nonetheless, as he respected all the masters of the Monastery. And although he had hated the man for his ungodly drills and exercises since he had been a child, he had to admit that they had given results over the years.

 

Zach quickly wiped the smile off his face as the commander walked by and inspected him. He had never really understood the point of the daily morning inspections; it all just seemed like a waste of time to him. But he didn't complain or ask about it, not after hearing the stories of other pupils who had questioned the Monastery ways. He knew that if one was to question anything, he would promptly be thrown out through the gates with nothing but his clothes and be told to either leave if he didn't like it or return in three days; three days which had to be spent alone in the mountains, with no food or shelter.

 

After the inspection, they were all ordered to march out to the grand arena. Zach ignored the slight aching in his legs as he ran, an ache which he had gotten used to after all the years of hard training. As they entered the arena, the squadron quickly lined up in a perfect square at the spot which had been assigned to them. There they waited in silence in the large circle of sand which formed the arena, watching the other squadrons as they too marched through the gates and lined up at their designated spots.

 

Zach dug his bare feet into the still cold sand, eager to find out what this day's morning training would be. After standing in the dawning light for what seemed like hours, some of the disciples in the various squadrons grew tired and impatient, and were unable to stay perfectly still. Zach's squadron however, which was one of the oldest, was used to the disciplinary waiting and merely enjoyed the warming sunlight.

 

Not until the sun stood high in the sky did the masters appear in the gates, their blue robes glimmering in the sun and their red capes flowing gracefully behind them. They stopped in the centre of the arena as they always did when they announced the daily schedule.

 

"Monasterian disciples!" the highest ranking sergeant addressed them. "Today, in honor of those who are about to leave us, we shall hold a tournament involving all disciples who are of 15 years of age or older."

 

A low mumble broke out among the younger ones who had not yet learned to keep quiet. Zach felt thrilled, he loved combat exercises and was relieved that they were freed from their usual mind-numbing work for the day.

 

"The younger squadrons will follow their respective commanders now to continue with their regular exercises." the sergeant continued.

 

As the sergeant finished, the commanders of the younger squadrons led their disappointed disciples out of the arena. Zach watched the younglings as they stumbled out in their little black robes, carrying their tiny wooden practice swords. He wondered if his squadron had ever looked so tiny and weak.

 

The remaining eight squadrons were ordered to sit down along the outlines of the arena after being told the rules of the tournament. Zach was excited to hear that it was a one on one tournament, and as one of the best swordsmen at the Monastery, he stood a good chance of winning.

 

As they all sat down, eagerly waiting, the sergeants called out the names of the first eight contestants who were to fight each other. Disappointed that he did not get to fight in the first round, Zach watched the called out fighters rise and enter the arena floor. He paid particular attention to the two students who stood facing each other only a few yards away, and he knew that the rest of his squadron did the same, since one of the two combatants was a member of their own squadron.

 

At the sergeant's command, the fighters bowed before raising their swords and charging at each other. Zach had to force himself not to cheer for his friend and squadron member; unnecessary noise was prohibited and would lead to punishment for the entire squadron. But neither Zach nor the rest of the squadron were able to contain themselves and cheered loudly when their friend knocked the sword of his opponent out of his hand and put his blade against his throat, forcing him to surrender.

 

When the four fights were over, the losers were sent to sit on the bleachers in the far end of the arena, and the winners returned to their squadrons where they were greeted by cheers. As soon as everyone was once again seated, the sergeant called out another eight names, and Zach jumped to his feet as his own name was yelled. With a supportive pat on the back from his friend next to him, he slowly walked out onto the arena to face his opponent.

 

He had to cover up a smile which spread across his face when he saw his opponent; a tiny little boy from one of the younger grades who looked like he could barely hold up his own sword. Too easy, Zach thought to himself as he bowed and raised his sword, waiting for the boy to attack. He felt pity for the nervous boy in front of him who seemed terrified to be put up against and older, fully trained Monasterian like himself.

 

"Don't worry, I'll go easy on you," Zach whispered.

 

Moments later, he charged at the boy who froze in place, making it really easy for Zach to smack him on the hand with the broadside of his sword, causing him to lose the grip of his weapon and drop it. The boy surrendered before Zach had even put his blade against his throat, and quickly ran towards the bleachers. Zach returned to his laughing squadron and sat down with them, watching the remaining fighters go at each other.

 

As the sun moved across the sky, the remaining disciples along the sides of the arena were reduced to a mere handful. Not surprisingly, but to Zach's dismay, several of his own squadron members remained, meaning that he would eventually be forced to fight his friends. He knew how easy it was to get carried away in the heat of a fight; he had endangered his friendship with many fellow students through practice fights over the years. And since they were all almost equally skilled, the fights could become  drawn out and rough. But Zach was determined to win the tournament, and he knew that all the others were as well.

 

This time the sergeant only called out four names to fight, and Zach heard that he was put up against Pali, one of his closer friends in the squadron.

 

"May the best man win," Pali said with a smile as they faced each other, waiting for the command that would start the fight. Zach returned the smile; for years the two of them had competed against each other, always fighting about who was the strongest, or who was the best swordsman, or the most disciplined, and this had driven them to become the best in their squadron. But they had never really managed to determine who was the best of the two; they were almost perfect equals. This time however, Zach was determined to prove who was the best swordsman once and for all.

 

As they bowed by the command of the sergeant, Zach shut out everything around him and focused his entire mind on the fight, as he had been trained. He charged at his friend, creating a loud clink as their two swords clashed together. He  jumped to the left and parried an attack from Pali, immediately swinging his own sword at him once again. The two of them moved around the arena, charging at each other and blocking attacks until they were both completely exhausted, breathing heavily and desperate for rest. Zach noticed how the other fight was already finished, and all the students on the bleachers were cheering for them alone now.

 

As Zach lost focus only for a moment he failed to properly block his opponent's attack and lost his balance, which Pali took advantage of and threw a kick at Zach, hitting him in the side of the head and knocking him to the ground. Zach felt the adrenaline pump through his body as he rolled on the ground, barely aware of the intense cheering of the crowd as he desperately avoided Pali's attacks.

 

Even though the swords were blunted, a clear hit with it would leave a red mark, proving that he had been defeated. Determined not to lose, he mustered up his remaining strength, raised his sword and blocked a powerful attack aimed at his chest. Trembling from the strain of holding out against the power that Pali used to push his sword down, he saw his last chance of victory. He noticed that Pali too was fighting with his last strength, and had sacrificed his balance to focus all his power.

 

 Zach rolled to the side and kicked his opponent's leg, causing him to completely lose balance and fall to the ground. Barely being able to move from his exhaustion, Zach  used his last remaining strength to move over to his opponent and place his sword across his exposed throat, thus marking his victory. Only now, as the fight was over, did he hear the loud cheers of the crowd as he fell back on his back next to his defeated opponent, both of them gasping for air.

 

After a few moments of rest in the now hot sand, they both got up and dragged themselves off the arena floor to make room for the next fighters.

 

"I told you, you don't stand a chance against me," Zach said with a smirk as he sat down.

 

"Don't fool yourself, Zach. You know I had you there," Pali snapped back before they both burst into laughter and Pali left for the bleachers. As soon as they had both sat down, the sergeant gave the command to start the next fights.

 

As the next fights ended, the sound of the grand bell echoed from the watchtower, signaling that it was finally time for the first meal of the day. Thankful for the much needed break, the remaining exhausted fighters at the side of the arena lined up with their squadrons and marched towards the grand hall.

 

An hour later, when the sun had reached its peak in the sky, the remaining fighters gathered at the arena, well rested and full. The bleachers were now almost full to the limits; the masters must have given the younglings some time off to watch the final fights, and they were now all crowded up next to the other observers on the bleachers.

 

Zach looked around at the remaining three fighters around him; a rather small eighth grader, and a friend from his own squadron, both which he believed he would defeat with ease. But the third man, an exceptionally large man from the ninth grade, had a reputation to be unbeatable, and from what Zach had seen from the previous fights, it seemed like an accurate reputation.

 

The commander called their names; Zach was matched against the eighth grader. Determined to finish the fight quickly to save his strength for the finale, Zach threw himself at his opponent with all his strength as soon as the fight started. He managed to knock the eighth grader off balance with his blow, and with a second one he knocked the sword out of his hand. After marking his victory, he went on to watch the other fight further away in the arena.

 

He was glad to see that his friend seemed to hold up quite well against the huge man, agilely avoiding his powerful attacks and forcing him to tire himself out. But as he moved in to attack his opponent, the man managed to block the attack and with a powerful kick sent him flying into the sand. With little effort, the opponent then knocked the sword out of his hand and marked his victory.

 

Zach had learned what he needed now; his best shot at winning was to keep his distance. The last fight started and Zach jumped to the side as his opponent charged him. He then kept moving around, always bending in the direction of his attackers sword, removing all the power from them. As the minutes passed and the man got more and more tired, his attacks got frustrated and uncontrolled. Finally, Zach saw his chance when his opponent leaned too much into a swing. He sprung back, making the blow miss completely and causing the man to lean over. From there Zach swiftly dragged his sword along his opponent's throat, leaving a red line and marking his victory.

 

To Zach's surprise however, the man did not drop his sword as he should as a sign of defeat, but instead directed a kick at Zach's ribs, knocking him backwards while the man recovered from his previous missed attack. The crowd seemed confused, uncertain whether Zach's attack had actually hit the man.

 

But Zach had no time to think as his opponent resumed his wild attacks, and their dance continued, Zach still bending out of the way of every attack. He waited for the right moment, which he was sure would present itself soon enough; a chance to mark a definite victory over the cheater.

 

 His best opportunity yet came when the man swung for Zach's head; an attack he easily dodged. This time however, Zach was determined not to give his opponent any chance of pretending that he wasn't hit. Instead of just marking his victory, he swept his opponent's unbalanced leg, and as the man fell into the sand with a loud thud, sending a cascade of sand flying in every direction, Zach pointed his sword at his throat, forcing him to surrender.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think of this; I want to know everything that could be improved on this piece.

Reviews

[TheSweet]

At first i was a bit unsure as to what picture you were trying to paint. But it became pretty clear quite quickly - it's definitely clearly written and it flows well. There doesn't seem to be any issue with irrelevant information, and without a doubt you have some interesting ideas to keep the reader interested, like just at the end where the bigger fighter cheats - it wasn't expected and threw something different into the mix.

I can't help notice this is a chapter though. I'm wondering whether you are going to continue this at a longer story. If so, I would definitely suggest making the main character Zach more of a personality or something different - at the moment he seems like a generic skilled fighter, probably quite clever and is fairly respected by others. I also think that if you are going to do chapters, you could elaborate this tournament into maybe a couple of chapters in it's self, adding more description into the final 2 fights or something to draw out the impact of the story.

Also, just as i said with the other peices - I would like to see some senses coming into play. Perhaps with his exhaustion he has a dry mouth, tastes the sand, feels the sweat in the heat, maybe in a clash of swords his grip becomes a little sore or reverberates his arm. That kind of thing. You do have an element of this inside, but so long as the piece still flows, you can afford to throw in a few descriptions so the reader understands what the character is feeling like more.

Also, there seems to be a few terms which could do with clarity a bit more. For example, you say about when people question, they are kicked out in order to want to come back, but then you also suggest that they are only free to leave when they're old enough. So i'm unsure whether this place is somewhere they chose to go, or are keing kept - like a disiplinary punishment type place. And simple things like 'the still cold sand' and then 'enjoying the heat'... It seems you might want to change one of those or clarify that the sand is slowly warming up from the cold night.

They're the only examples I can find at the moment, but there are a couple more I think. Other than that, I think there needs to be more character personality or elaboration as the biggest room for improvement. I did enjoy it though and it kept me interested til the end. Thanks for sharing :)

[TOF_Matt]

It's a good start with some high-octane action. I think you've got the right idea here but there's a few suggestions I can make about your execution.

In technical terms, you've got a great grasp of English (I have no idea to what level they teach it in Sweden). The grammar is mostly excellent with a few slip-ups here and there. The only thing that jumped out to me is that you've got quite a few run-on sentences which make some of the text exhausting to read. For example, "Zach opened his eyes to the sound of the grand bell and, without even thinking, jumped to his feet, grabbing the sword which stood leaning against the wall next to his mattress." You actually have two sentences here. "Zach opened his eyes to the sound of the grand bell. Without even thinking, he jumped to his feet and grabbed the sword leaning against the wall next to his mattress." Commas should only be used to denote lists or provide further detail on an action - they shouldn't be used to link multiple actions together.

The only other technical note is that you may want to revisit some of your word usage. For example, "...before their hardship would finally be over and they would be free to leave as true Monasterians." Saying they would be "free to leave" implies they're trapped here against their will. I think you might be looking for the word "graduated" or something like that. There's a few more instances of similar word usage but I'll leave them for you to find.

From a stylistic standpoint, my biggest criticism is that this is long. And by long I don't mean the physical length is too long, but I mean the chapter drags because you've got too much of the same stuff in it. Action is a funny thing; at first its gripping and sucks the reader in, but too much of it becomes boring. It's like getting into a hot tub of water that your body eventually adjusts to. My suggestion is to detail at MOST three fights in the tournament. Mention the rest in passing. Even three might be too much for the opening chapter. I realize you want to detail Zach's scheming and the strategy he comes up with (I have the same sort of stuff in my own book), but this is way too early to do that. You have to suck the reader in first. Once you know you have their attention, then you can get into all that high-concept stuff. My opinion is that this kind of detail is better left for later chapters.

I think you may have gone a little overboard with the detail in certain scenes. Try to keep details relevant to what the paragraph is trying to say. For example, when talking about the commander you mention he's short and bald, but it feels like you just kind of threw that detail in there for the sake of throwing it in there. What does his short/baldness have to do with Zach's perception of him? This kind of detail is stronger if you give us some sort of rationale for noticing it - like if his stature made Zach respect him less, or made him look comical and hard to take seriously for a commander in the monestarians. You don't want to include details that the reader will just think "oh that's nice," and then forget about it in the next scene.

This goes doubly for your fight scenes as well. Action is always a tricky point, especially for fiction. You don't want to give an entire choreography of the scene. It's okay if the reader's image doesn't exactly match your own. Instead, try presenting only the most important details. If you're over-controlling the reader feels they have no freedom to interpret the scene and thus become uninvolved.

The final thing I'll mention, and actually this is a point I'm a little unclear on, is I'm wondering if this is the first chapter of a book or just a standalone story. It says this is a chapter, but this whole thing seems to be self-contained. If it's meant to be a first chapter, then be mindful of your "hook." You want to build intrigue in your setting (which you've kind of reasonably done) and characters (which you honestly haven't really done) if you want to have any chance of a reader wanting to move to the next chapter. In this case you have a tournament, great. But by the time the chapter is over, the tournament is over, the main character has won, so what's left? I think you need to build some mystery around what exactly the monestarians are, what's their purpose, why is it important that Zach become one, what is the ramifications of winning the tournament? There are no stakes here and so his winning the tournament seems kind of empty and meaningless. It just seems like an exercise.

Anyway, hope the comments are useful for you. Good luck in the editing process. = )

[AndyJCash]

Aha, glad I saw this was a chapter rather than a complete story. This is a nice introduction, but what I personally would like to see more of is names and descriptions.
You mention occasionally Zach has a friend, but apart from Pali you don't name any of the others. Maybe they're not important which is fair enough.
As for descriptions I'd like to know what the characters look like, especially Pali who is clearly close to Zach. This is just personal preference, maybe it'd be addressed in later chapters but I normally build my perceptions of characters appearance when they're introductions. If you tell me something else later on it means I have to adjust, so unless you're planning to bring physical description to characters early in the next chapter, I'd tweak it in here, even if it's something brief that you build on later.
My review may seem a bit negative, but honestly, I really enjoyed this piece. As others have said, the way you managed to describe the fighting was brilliant and enjoyable, something I know I struggle with as a writer to do and the character Zach had a typical young warrior protagonist feel: confident (maybe a little over confident), strong and big-hearted.
It'll be interesting to see where this goes because this chapter builds a solid, but simple foundation that can be built upon with a complex and enthralling story.

[Ripple of Aqua]

I really enjoyed reading this. Your character is very well figured out and the minor characters are lining up perfectly. I would however, like to see more detail in the setting. The arena was clear, but nothing about the rest of the building or structure they were in. I think it almost looks like a sandy colored 'castle' looking. With wide coulombs where the masters rest and then lower regions where Zach and the regular kids are. So you may need to reconstruct that in your writing if I'm thinking wrong.
And you might want to give a little background information for the whole situation for the next chapter; the whole time that single question is what was going through my mind: Why are they there? It became apparent that there were no girls there, and all of them were made for combat, so that only begs the question: why? But that may be why you made the story so enticing is the fact that you gave so much and in return we still have questions.
I don't really know what your plot is but I can only guess that it has to do with the idea of their 'graduation' and something going wrong.
Still, this is a really interesting and captivating read. Great job!

[Rose of Gondor]

First, I have to congratulate you on your use of third person and your thorough descriptions. You have SHOWN us the fight, not TOLD us, and that is a good thing for we readers. You had me hooked from the beginning. Loved the tension at the end. You have developed your character to a point that I can sympathize with him and it feels like I've known him for quite a while.

My suggestion is to reread this and while you do that, revise. Some sentences still needs to flow, and you might want to replace some words with better ones. Check the sentences you think is awkward and proofread!!! I look forward to reading the next chapter!

[SamBug]

Wow. this was pretty cool and interesting. Keep writing for sure, like all the others have said. Not many errors that I saw in this. Just a lot of action and adventure. Loved it.

[Ben Campbell]

Cool story. Yeah, I think could make a good movie, but you gotta keep writing more! I see a lot of writers on this site who have the start of a book but never manage to write more in it. Definately keep writing, you've hooked me and I'll take it personally if you don't! jk man. For proofreading I see only two errors, smile instead of smiley, which you've probably already noticed, and there was one spot where a semicolon would probably work better than a comma. Keep it up and maybe I'll have Aran visit this monastery.

[Mathias]

Thanks man, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story.

[Calypso]

Normally I wouldn't read this type of book (mainly because I don't like the genre) but since you're new I thought I would help you out.
This is so full of action and adventure. This could make a good movie.