untitled- read me

A Story by Avid Ramsundar

I walked home nervously. I’m going to do it; I have to do it today I thought. I’m afraid. What are they going to say? How are they going to act? I was kicking a rock as I went along. Hoping for the best seemed like all i could do. So focused on the rock and deep in my thoughts I had almost passed my house. See the neighbor’s house and I stop. I turn around and say good bye to my rock. You managed to get me here I thought to myself. I look up at the driveway to this perfectly normal home. Should I really say anything? If I do will it still be normal? I shakily walked up to the front door. My dad was home, I could hear him laughing inside. I wanted to turn around and just disappear somewhere alone. My hands were shaking as I reached for the door knob. My fingers never reach as the door opened and as I look up my fears my worries my fucked up nerves all took a back seat. My brother Brandon was home that day. He stood there in the doorway laughing and I smiled and it felt like a bit of happiness. He reached out and messed up my hair. He pulled me close and hugged me and I remember thinking that I might just survive it.

Later on that night after dinner we sat down and watched a movie. After we talked about everybody’s day and Brandon’s life at college the last few months and we laughed and joked we sat there in silence. And it felt about the right time to do it so I took the remote and turned the TV off .Everyone looked at me a bit confused. I moved from next to my parents and sat next to my brother and as I do I felt my stomach turn to knots. I looked at them unsure if I would be able to bring the words up.

“Mom, dad, Brandon………” I looked at each of them as I said it. The pause was long; the words didn’t want to come out.

“What is it? You ok Charlotte?” mom asked, there was a look of concern on her face. My dad shared the same one. Brandon was just looking at me waiting for me to go on.

“I…… like………. girls.” the words had been said. I couldn’t take them back. My heart begins racing and all I could do was hope they’d take it well. No one said anything. My dad looked at my mom who looked down. Silence.

“That’s it? That’s all there is? I was something expecting more dramatic the way you were acting.” Brandon chuckled. I can’t help love my brother. I still say nothing as I looked at my dad.

“Charlotte, are you sure? Are you about this?” dad looked at me a bit concerned.

“I’m-I’m sure dad.” my voice was almost a whisper. “I’ve thought about it and I’m sure.” I tried to speak up. “I a-am a lesbian.” I’d said it. I was finally able to say it out loud. “Ok then. If you’re sure then fine so long as you’re happy.” a gentle smile came across his face. My mom looked at him she seemed confused. For a second I was almost relieved. But the tension was still there.

“Mom?” I called to her she seemed lost as she stared through the coffee table at nothing in particular. The silence was deafening. “You ok?” she looked at me. She looked more than hurt. She looked heartbroken. ” You can’t be” she said “You can’t be like that. How could you be like that.” She hasn’t looked at me yet. ”You’re my baby. You’re supposed to be normal.” My dad and brother are silent. They seem unsure of how to react to my mom. I already knew where this was going and I didn’t want it to. She finally looked at me, tears in her eyes.

“Why do you think you’re like that? What made you think that? Who made you think that?” she was in tears and I didn’t know what to do. “No one made me think that!” I was on the verge of tears. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry but it’s hard. She stands up my. Dad finally says something.

“Jen calm down. This is your daughter.” She’s walking away and he tries to stop her but she pulls away.

She goes to their bedroom. She closes the door. I don’t know what to do. Dad goes to try and talk to her. I go to my room and lock the door. I drop to the ground right by the door. Some things you can’t prepare for. The tears start I don’t bother to hold it back. I let it run. What was so terrible about it? What was terrible about me being a lesbian? I wanted to take back my words I wished I could stop myself from saying anything. She hated me. She hated me so much it hurt. For the first time since I realized it I hated myself or being different. I didn’t want to think about it I didn’t want to be different anymore. This was my worst fear come to life. To be hated by your own mother. My best friend was gone. Lost couldn’t even describe how I felt. My chest hurt, I was breathing hard my eyes burned from wiping them constantly. What was I going to do? My nose started running. Maybe dad could convince her to think about it? I wanted to believe that it wouldn’t stay like this. I wanted it to get better. The tears still flowed but I wanted to think it might get better. No it had to get better, it needed to. She wouldn’t stay mad right she couldn’t. I knew the idea was bullshit but I needed to believe it would get better. For the sake of this family, for both of us, for my sanity it had to. I dragged my self off the cold ground and made it to my bed. My vision was blurry from crying and I lay down. I take my pillow and I hug it and hold it close. I couldn’t sleep. My dad knocks on the door a bit later. The lights are off I tell him to come in. I don’t want to know what happened with them. He turns on the light. He looks at me and his face falls. I say nothing. What can I say?

He asks “You ok?” I lie and nod, he knows I’m lying but he doesn’t ask again. “She says she’ll try, she said that would try to keep thing like they were. She needs time to adjust so I need you to try too ok Charlotte?” she needs time? So she still doesn’t accept it but she’s willing to try.

“Ok dad ill try.” My eyes star to water again I sit up and he comes over and puts an arm around me and pulls me close. “It’s gonna be ok, everything’s gonna be fine. “ He doesn’t seem sure but I say nothing as he kisses my forehead. He gets up and leaves.

“Get some rest ok hun.” He gently smiles as he flicks the light switch and he leaves and closes the door. It’ll get better I tell myself. It will. I’m trying to convince myself. It works a just a bit. It has to get better I tell myself over and over until I fall asleep.

© 2014 Avid Ramsundar

Author's Note

unfinished- i got sleepy- shall continue- never written anything like this before - um im not good at beginnings but i wasnt sure how to get this going so i welcome any reviews unless you just gonna hate on the fact that is a lesbian thing

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Reviews

Shapirta

the plot is pretty good. i suggest making it more descriptive, you know like as she's walking she is thinking about her neighborhood and describing it or whatever. other than that, its really good it can become a really good story. also your minion is really cute. can you do me a favor and read 'the silver necklace' and reveiw it?I want to know what people think of it.