Final Goodbye

So, this is it. The moment i've been dreading for the last of the summer. Tomorrow, you leave to start college, and i'm excited for you. I'm happy you're going to Albany and i know you'll meet people in an instant and you'll befriend anyone who comes your way. 

I was suppose to see you last night, and i missed my chance. It's funny because i clearly remember seeing your text that you were coming. And as i laid in bed, i thought about seeing you and how i'd get downstairs and outside so i COULD see you. All the thinking and high made me sleepy. But i was ready to see you and make it my last night with you. But i failed to do the simplest thing. And now i'm writing about it at 8 in the morning. Reading what you wrote to me about you being upset i fell asleep and how happy you were that i had taken a chance with you, made me cry. And so hard. I just sat straight up on my bed and started to cry. The tears i have been holding in for the past few days. It felt good to cry, but now my head hurts and i'm not really sure if what i'm saying makes sense. 

I remember how much of a stranger you were to me. You were just the guy i'd meet up with late at night with for a light up. Smacked with Smack. You were cool and funny and i liked that you were. Now i'm writing about how much i hate seeing you go and how much i'll miss you. I just think it's funny how much a matter of weeks can really change two people. Or one. 

If i could do it all over again, and sooner, i would. You don't understand how happy you've made me. It's been a while since i've liked someone for more than 2 weeks. We were so unexpected, out of the blue, rare, weird, whatever you wanna call it. But it was an amazing serendipity. You made my summer unforgettable. You introduced me to people i would have never thought i'd talk to and you gave me memories i'll never forget. This summer has been my best one yet, and you're one of the few people to thank. You were a large portion of it, and i'm glad you were. 

I remember one day i was just hanging around my house and i was thinking "i need some excitement in my life.". Little did i know, you'd become someone important to me. 

I still have questions that need answering, but i feel like i myself found the answer in us. But i still wanna ask. Chances are i won't because i feel like it doesn't matter because in about a month, what we had won't matter anymore. I'll be a thing in the past for you, just a nice little memory you'll hopefully think about once in a while. Chances are after this, i'll like a few people. Just from a distance because i'm too scared to do anything. Something tells me my interest won't be other people, but instead you. 

My plan is to go to Albany as well, and i'm not sure what will happen between us in a year because a lot can change. I'm scared to know what happens from here. When i come back on this website in the future and glance at my writing, i'll remember the summer nights i spent with you talking about nothing and everything. Questioning your answers to my silly questions. 

There's so much more i have to say, i just can't remember right now. Hopefully you'll catch on and realize that what i'm trying to say is i like you a lot and if for some reason you were up to trying this while you're in school, i wouldn't mind it one bit. It'll be hard, but nothing in life is easy. 

I know i'll never compare to "T" and what you guys had, and i'm actually really jealous she got to be with you. She was actually with you and people knew. I wanted people to know, trust me. The only reason why i didn't put us out there was because i thought that if you still had feelings for her and we had a thing, it would ruin some chance of you getting with her again disregarding all circumstances. And i guess the ultimate question that i've been dying and afraid to ask is, if you had the chance, would you try and be with her again? This whole time, i kinda expected you to still like her. And that's something i can't change if it's true. I never thought i was anything more than a crush. I thought she was always on your mind and i was just there. I was afraid that you'd never want me like that. And even now i don't expect you to. I understand what you went through with her and what it was like because we went through the same thing. Truth be told, i got over Kevin. When i told you what happened the night we were in your car by the car dealership, it was like the last of him was being let go so i could start something new with someone else. That someone else was you.

So much is gonna change between now and your first break. Both physically and mentally. I won't have really short hair anymore, and i wont be as tan as i am now, hopefully i'll even be skinnier. I'll probably stay the same mentally, maybe a few fixes here and there but, i should relatively be the same girl i am right now. Maybe a few different views but, i hope nothing major. I'll still be the weird and awkward girl you know. Believe me. And i hope you don't turn into a d********g, or a dick, or a jerk or just straight up different because this is the Michael i like and want.

Wanna hear a funny story? It's not really a story but it's kinda like one. Anyways, my stairs creek a lot. So sneaking out is always impossible and risky for me as i'm sure you know from waiting 10-20 minutes for me to come outside. Anyways, at the beginning of the summer i was meaning to tell my dad that he should fix the stairs so it wouldn't make so much noise. This was before i really starting going out with you. Like, this is around graduation. So it's a long time ago. Whatever, so, 2 days ago, my dad started working on the stairs after countless nights of me making noise at night so i could see you. But, i thought it was funny that my wish had come true. Just not at the right time; but i realized that it was a sign. Like every sign we've been having to not see each other. Except this one is different. It's kinda like a friendly reminder that there's always a future. Just because it can't work now doesn't mean it can't work later on. It's a sign saying that there's a chance there will be a future us, thing or whatever. Like a tv show. It ends for now, but it'll come back. Now that i think of it, Smacked With Smack is a perfect title. 

The stairs really give me hope. Maybe you won't understand but it does. So so so so much hope for us. It's like the stairs were meant to get fixed so they wouldn't make noise, so that when you come home for break and maybe, just maybe, you ask to cyph, it'll be easier for me to get out my house to see you. Or maybe they're just stairs. 

I'll miss the late nights with you. I'll miss talking to you everyday about pointless s**t. I'll miss talking to you like you're my significant other which you are right now. I only ask for one thing when we're all over and done. I need you to stay the same person i met this summer. Don't ever change who you are. I like the Michael i know now, and i don't know how much i'll like the future you. Don't forget about me either. I don't have to be your significant other or anything like that, but all i want is for you to think of me as a good friend in the future. Someone who enjoys spending time with. A really cool and amazing and perfect friend (ha). And when you do come home, I'd like to continue our cyphs. Only if you're up for it. 

Thank you for an amazing ending to an amazing summer, Michael.

To be continued?