Two of Us in a Messy Room

You’re curled at my side on top of navy sheets,

next to my large windows, which let the creeping

sun slide up to greet us - or maybe just me,

as your eyes are hidden beneath their lids.

You sleep so calmly and neatly,

your chest strewn with freckles and your auburn hair awry.

The room around us mimics your skin, speckled with clothes and plastic bags,

stuffed animals and video games,

empty glasses and fencing swords.

But while I sit here, waiting for your return,

the surrounding detritus confines me, makes me anxious and afraid.

I want to clear it all away:

paint a god of beauty,

sign a story into life,

swirl the patterned lights of my hula hoop,

anything to distract me from the remnant worries so wound up in every inch,

 

but instead I lie next to you,

 

I take your cue to breathe.

Author's Note

I didn't realize I still had this, or I would've uploaded it sooner. =P This is for my boyfriend, about the first moment I realized I loved him.
Thank you for any critiques!

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

nothing boring here...that first inkling, the epiphany of how we really love someone, despite the messiness...because really messiness is reality...one that we suddenly perceive we do not want to lose--

i like the end...taking his cue to breathe....and maybe close our own eyes and let them hide behind our lids...

nicely done.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you very much. =)

[Allen Smuckler]

Colors are NEVER boring…plus…I don't see an overuse anyway…I just see a bit of detritus (yeah, I had to look it up) and a person realizing she's in love…what's wrong with that…terrific write Emma and a great last line….
allen

[Emma Olsen]

Ah, what I meant is that, when I first turned this into my class for review, one of the girls who critiqued it pointed out how my colors were all their base color and not precise ('green' as opposed to 'emerald' or 'forest' or 'grass green'). I changed it in my rewrites and liked it much better, so when I find others doing the same thing I tend to bring it up. Thank you for the comment!

[Danielle Anatomyy]

I like the originality this poem gives off. The details are marvelous. It reminds me of how vivid and precise an artist would be, painting his or her only canvas. The strokes of their brush would seem to mimic the smooth, designated lines of this poem. It's impressive how well you can write about an actual event rather than just receiving inspiration from the occurrence. As cliche as it may sound, reading it over, I feel like I could be a spectator on the entire scenario, watching it happen, instead of merely reading. Your imagery is key.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you! I'm a painter so I was trying to infuse it with some of those details. I'm glad that that came through.

[Aethereal]

This free verse poem has good flow, and it expresses a prehistoric aura. This poem makes me imagine what it must have been like for the first human couples living in caves during that first morning when sunlight came streaming through the cave entrance shining on paired troglodytes who had just met near the volcano the day before. She’s lies below the animal skin and he is curled above with his wooden club beside him just in case a big cave bear, or tiger should interrupt them. The more things change he more they stay the same.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you. lol Totally not what I was going for, but I'm glad you got your own interpretation.

[W.k.kortas]

"(A)uburn hair awry" is some lovely phrasing. The piece is highly visual, and it has a certain languid pacing (indeed, the judicious placement of commas give it a regular, almost low-breathing feel) which is suggestive of early morning. It's a very strong piece of work.

[Emma Olsen]

Glad it feels like early morning because that's what I intended. =) Thank you!

[Lisa Bland]

I thought it was a good poem. Could feel the love for you boyfriend from the poem.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you.

[Ana B.]

Smooth and in deep..... your lines inspire lovely ( familiar) emotions when reading :)

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Tan-90]

Love has the power to slow us down, stand still despite the chaos- allow us to breathe easy.. as we've found the one purpose we have been scouring the world for.

You have captured beautifully, how love changes us. The little details come together perfectly to paint a vivid intimate picture of your emotions. A much enjoyed read.

Well done!

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Carrie]

Wow this was amazing. I hope someday I will feel the emotions that inspire this kind of passion in my writing. If you could come check out some of my pieces, I would be so happy!

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you! I'm a bit backed up on people I told I'd review and I'm very busy with work right now, but I'll try to get to your work when I can.

[Sami Khalil]

"paint a god of beauty,
sign a story into life,
swirl the patterned lights of my hula hoop,
anything to distract me from the remnant "

A powerful write...Bravo.................

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)........................