Two of Us in a Messy Room

You’re curled at my side on top of navy sheets,

next to my large windows, which let the creeping

sun slide up to greet us - or maybe just me,

as your eyes are hidden beneath their lids.

You sleep so calmly and neatly,

your chest strewn with freckles and your auburn hair awry.

The room around us mimics your skin, speckled with clothes and plastic bags,

stuffed animals and video games,

empty glasses and fencing swords.

But while I sit here, waiting for your return,

the surrounding detritus confines me, makes me anxious and afraid.

I want to clear it all away:

paint a god of beauty,

sign a story into life,

swirl the patterned lights of my hula hoop,

anything to distract me from the remnant worries so wound up in every inch,

 

but instead I lie next to you,

 

I take your cue to breathe.

Author's Note

I didn't realize I still had this, or I would've uploaded it sooner. =P This is for my boyfriend, about the first moment I realized I loved him.
Thank you for any critiques!

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

nothing boring here...that first inkling, the epiphany of how we really love someone, despite the messiness...because really messiness is reality...one that we suddenly perceive we do not want to lose--

i like the end...taking his cue to breathe....and maybe close our own eyes and let them hide behind our lids...

nicely done.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you very much. =)

[misha]

This is such a beautiful write. Great job! I loved it :-)

[Samuel Dickens]

It's funny how some of us remember moments like these. I find it sensitive and highly visual. You taught me a new word! Yes, I had to go look up "detritus". Some might warn against using a fancy word like that, but I'm ok with it. Very nice work, Emma.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Briana O'Connor]

This a very vivid expression of unconditional love. Very emotional and descriptive. I also love how you did not stick with the usual vertical poem structure. Thank you for sharing and please return the favor by reviewing one of my pieces.

[Ivory]

This is a very sweet piece. Very well written : )

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Beccy]

Here's my problem with critique Emma. Writing, for example, a sonnet and asking for critique on the form, is fine, but a great deal of poetry is a personal thing, often written from actual experience and from the heart. Thus, in my view, critique,unless one is talking form, grammar or sentence construction, which sadly is rather lacking these days, seems rather crass. Truly, I simply prefer to read, absorb, then interpret, (always difficult as interpretation is so subjective,) what the writer is trying to convey.

Anyway, that's my excuse. Beccy :)

[Emma Olsen]

Well, of course, but if you're going to critique you don't analyze message (whatever the writer wants to convey is their own business and prerogative) but instead analyze the effectiveness of the delivery of the message. Of course dictating subject matter would be crass (though suggestions on ways to pull and prod at the subject matter can often be helpful), but if a poet is trying to evoke an emotion or paint a scene you, as a reader, are a primary source which can offer feedback as to how effective the communication of said emotion or scene is. Critique is absolutely vital for the improvement of individual works and a writer as a whole - it gives you the opportunity to not only suggest better ways of relaying the core message of the poem, but also highlights what the author succeeded at and why. Critiquing form is a part of that, anyways. Form lends to meaning - so do grammar and sentence construction. Too many people on this site shy away from critique. If you want to be successful in any artistic medium, though, you need to know not only how to take critique but how to give it. I would encourage you to not write it off for fear of offending another individual - if you don't understand what they're trying to say that's important to hear. How do they improve their work otherwise?

[Ian Gilmour]

This is beautifully written I liked this a lot. Good writing!

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Beccy]

Total empathy. Been there, more than once.

Beccy.

PS, I never critique poetry, almost always it's a personal thing. I simply read and absorb and mostly enjoy.

[Emma Olsen]

That's too bad. Every work could use critiques because they not only help the author but also the writer of the critique. Thank you for your comment!

[Writer at last! Sky ~]

Such a nice way to express every minute movement of your love! Only the heart with love and eyes with full of faith can do this....Great arc of the poetic art!

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Yellow June]

This is amazing. Thank you for this bit of beauty now in my life. As others, I love the last line. To me, it is the reminder of reality and love for another ask together in one- it is the bringing of that love into life. I aspire to write beautifully, and this is an amazing example of how that looks.

[Emma Olsen]

Aw, thank you! I'm glad you like it. =)