Chapter 1

“Damn it!” Hombre shouts as the car jolts to a stop and he throws open the door, charging off into bright green bushes and giant trees.

I look around, confused, and brush the sleep from my eyes as I hear Alyssa huff: “Seriously?”

I turn to her for an explanation. I can see Beth, in the front seat, staring after Hombre. From how red her eyes are, she must’ve been asleep herself. I ask Alyssa, “What’s going on? Where is he going?” A nervous pit is forming in my stomach.

Beth frowns, but doesn’t do much else. Even though she’s the one sitting in the front, it’s Alyssa who reaches over to pull his door shut as she mutters, “I don’t know, he was fine until a moment ago. We should just leave him and get out of here.”

Beth shakes her head, her eyes locked on the bushes, which are still rustling even though he’s nowhere in sight. She mutters, “Calm down, Alyssa. He probably just had to pee or something. I don’t think he’s abandoning us here.”

Where is ‘here?’ I look out the car windows and try to situate myself. We’re supposed to be on the highway, but, instead, we’re surrounded by trees. I sink my teeth into my lip to stop the dizziness, because I suddenly know where we are, and it’s nowhere I ever wanted to be again. I’m not sure how I know. Perhaps it’s because of the rusty Dead-End sign - a newer, or, well, older version of which peeks out at me from a half-forgotten memory - or maybe it’s that the trees, despite growing taller, have kept the same knots. Regardless of how, somehow, someway, and despite never being told about my connection to this place, Hombre’s driven us to a place I despise: the summer forest of my childhood. I sink my teeth even deeper into my lip, the pain serving as a grounding force as I realize that my mother’s cabin hides somewhere beyond. I can’t suppress the hope that it’s been swallowed up by the forest by now, having been left on its own for nearly a decade, now.

Alyssa’s sliding into the front seat. She’s so thin and tiny that she makes it look easy. She’s lecturing a confused, sleepy-eyed Beth as she searches for the keys. “You say he hasn’t abandoned us? Why did he take off, then? He just left the door open, like he didn’t even care. He kept saying he knew the way, but here we are at a dead end. He’s a liar and I don’t want to know why he’s lying.”

Beth frowns, her make-up smudged and her blonde hair ruffled. She rubs her eyes, trying to make sense of everything. Her pretty, petite features make her look very innocent right now.

“Stop it, Alyssa,” I mutter, shivering as I look out around us at the trees, squeezed so close to us on this little path that it feels hard to breathe. As much as I want to get out of here, I don’t think we should just leave Hombre out there on his own. I shake my head. I really should call him Darien, now that I finally know his name, but I still feel like Hombre fits him best.

“Can we set a time limit?” Alyssa asks, irritated.

Beth has on a doe-eyed look, which I’ve come to associate with her asking someone a favor, “You’re freaking me out. Can you calm down?”

“What if he’s going to get some serial killer to finish us off?” Alyssa hisses, still sorting through the car’s compartments, “He didn’t even tell me anything when he left and he knew I was awake.”

Beth rolls her eyes, “I wouldn’t tell you anything if I left. He’s probably peeing, like I said, or . . . maybe he’s looking for a signal for his GPS.” She holds up her phone and squints at the screen, which is dominated by an awkward picture of her mom’s poodle catching a tennis ball, his eyes all haywire. “I mean, mine isn’t finding a signal here. We must be in the middle of nowhere.”

“Or, like I said, we’re about to get murdered,” Alyssa mutters, though she’s stopped her efforts to turn the car back on. She crosses her arms and snaps, “I’m not going to wait long.”

Beth yawns, “Are you going to get mad at me if I go back to sleep, Alyssa?”

“Are you kidding me? How can you think about sleeping?”

While they talk, I silently lean forward, running my hands through my long, black hair, nervous. Why has he driven us here? Why here, of all places?

I try to search for some reason, any reason, thinking back on my time around him. I met him a few months ago at a show, after he heard me speaking Spanish on the phone with my big brother, Cal. I remember him following me out and bumming a cigarette off some too-happy hippie kid. I only noticed because as soon as he took a puff on it, he gagged. Though it’d made me hide a grin and cracked the hippie kid up, I’d turned around and fully expected him to disappear before I finished the call.

Instead, as I slipped my phone back into my pocket and started to head back inside, I noticed him still there, staring at me. He was leaning against the wall, the cigarette forgotten in his hand, a strange frown on his face as he asked, “What were you saying?”

Assuming this was some lame attempt to get me to introduce him to Beth, I watched as he tossed the cigarette, still basically untouched, into the trash as I responded, “I was just talking to my brother. School stuff. Nothing important.” More almost tumbled out; something about the way he looked at me, maybe, made me feel as though I should trust him. But I realized I should know better and just ended it there with a smile.

He frowned, though, as if my statement were far more significant than I realized. And, though he’d dropped the subject immediately, somehow I ended up talking to him for the next hour, the headliner I’d come to see completely fading into background music. It was only when Beth and Alyssa came to find me that he’d smiled, said it was nice to meet me, and disappeared.

I almost groan, now, as I’m finding it impossible to even remember what we’d talked about. Nothing had really seemed important. We’d talked about music, I think, but every time I’d try to ask him a personal question he’d just smiled and redirected so masterfully it hadn’t even registered until now. I knead my brow. Now that I’m thinking about it, have I ever really gotten more than his name and vague, unimportant details?

I can feel my cheeks getting hot. Am I stupid? I mean, I go to a good college. I never thought I was stupid. Why didn’t his question-dodging set off warning bells? Why did Beth and I convince Alyssa that he should drive us? I mean, I’ve never even told Alyssa or Beth about this place or its significance. Cal’s the only one who knows. I shake my head. This has to be a coincidence, somehow. It doesn’t make sense otherwise.

I consider calling Cal, but dismiss it almost instantly. I feel overwhelmed. I can’t process this. And if I call Cal, I have to. Maybe if I ignore it, Hombre’ll come back and just drive us away. I try to distract myself, which is easy because Beth and Alyssa are very good at providing distractions.

Alyssa must’ve insulted Beth because I see her eyes roll as she snaps at Alyssa, “Go back to your statistics homework, jerk. I can’t believe you were doing homework on the way to a concert, anyways. I should’ve expected it, I guess.”

Alyssa sighs, “Are you trying to group me into some nerdy Asian stereotype? Don’t you have anything else? It’s not like you don’t have homework in your purse. I saw you put it in there.”

“I didn’t plan to do it! And I wasn’t going for a stereotype. You’re always doing homework. It’s a you thing, nothing to do with you being Asian.”

“Oh, right. You just don’t want to admit it, now, because I got offended.”

Not distracting enough. I’m drifting off again. I fiddle with my bracelet and look out the window at the brush and the huge tree trunks cramming in close to the car. They make the air feel foul, heavy, and oppressive, even as the bright leaves try to convince me that this place is anything but. Right. I swallow, straining to see some sign of Darien. Where is he? It’s been a few minutes, now. My legs are cramped from sitting, but I resist the urge to open the door and stretch. I don’t want to give us any excuse to linger.

Alyssa and Beth continue to snap at each other in the background. Usually I’d be trying to calm them down by now, but I can’t focus on them when we’re on this road. I move the dragon engraving on my bracelet to the top as I stare out at the Dead-End sign and wonder if fate’s trying to make some ironic statement about my life. When I was little, I remember wondering why this road was built. There was nothing but my mother’s cabin for a mile, and another road led right into its driveway. From the degradation, it’s clear the gravel still leads nowhere, though it’s no longer barren, clear, and flat, but bursting with life that threatens to overtake all traces of the past.

I shiver. Nothing’s burning anymore, but I can still taste the ash in my mouth. Maybe it’s better this way, letting the forest take back what was stolen from it. After all, when my father died and it was finally our choice to visit my mother’s cabin, Cal and I made sure we never came back. We probably could’ve lived in it for far less than our townhouse in the city, but it wasn’t something either of us even discussed. I know that my grandmother’s original hope was that it would draw my mother back to us, maybe even in enough time that she could’ve stood by my grandmother’s side as she died, but instead it brought Cal and I a new version of hell.

“Carmen, are you okay?” I hear Beth ask.

I look at her quickly, hesitate, and then nod, “Yeah, fine.”

Sure, I’m fine. So long as I get away from this place and just go to this show so I can dance and laugh and maybe convince somebody to slip me a drink from the over-21 side because I really, really need one. Maybe this time I’ll actually dance with the frat boy who tells me how ‘exotic’ I look, with my puffy lips and slightly tanned skin. Maybe I’ll drink myself into enough of a state where I won’t feel repulsed by his touch when he tries to kiss me, telling me he thinks I’m beautiful because he thinks it might work. Maybe it will this time. I’m fine. Totally fine. The person starting to gasp for breath is not me, because I’m the finest person in the world.

“Calm down, Carmen,” The words, Alyssa’s, bring me back some as she climbs over the seat, brows furrowed and eyes wide and inquisitive. She brushes her short hair out of her face, tucking the red streak in the front behind her ear.

“You’re, like . . . hyperventilating.” Beth says, nervously, and she glances behind her at her purse and then back at me, “Do you want food? Water? I have that water bottle of vodka if you need it.”

“You still have that?” I ask. Now that it’s presented, the thought of alcohol is making me feel ill. What’s going on with me? “I �" I thought you’d gotten rid of it.”

Beth grins, “Pft. You know me, right? I mean, I’ve only been your roomie for two years, now. I’m that party chick.”

“That’s why I said ‘still.’ Look, relax, I just . . . I just kinda had a bad dream okay? It’s really throwing me off. I’ll be fine. You know I’m weird sometimes, don’t worry about it. I’ll be okay.”

Alyssa gives me a look, but she doesn’t say anything.

Beth muses, “Maybe it’s something about this car. I had a strange dream, too.” She looks at me, frowning, “You were in it, actually. This spider kept trying to eat you, but then I rode in on a lion. It ate the spider and then the lion and I cut you free from the web. Once you were free, though, you stole the lion from me.” Her frown deepens, “I remember feeling like that was rude.”

“Who are you that you remember your dreams so well?” Alyssa asks, “I never remember mine.”

“I practice.” Beth says, winking. She looks at me and I smile so that she knows she’s making me feel better. I have no doubt that later one of them will try to corner me and figure out what happened and I’ll have to pretend that it’s nothing. Probably it’ll be Alyssa.

There’s a rustling in the bushes and Hombre’s hand appears, groping for the driver’s door, inching it open while he forces the brush away. He does it calmly, and I’m not sure whether that reassures me or not, but somehow his presence does make me feel more at ease. I bite my lip, again, trying to steady myself.

He sticks his head into the opening with a perturbed expression that doesn’t quite suit his face. Okay, I will never admit this again, but in all honesty, he is very attractive. He’s very angular, with tawny hair and a very straight nose, his skin a shade darker than mine. He’s a little short, but that’s probably only something I notice because I’m taller than most girls. He’s about eye-to-eye with me, but he towers over Alyssa and has a few inches on Beth. Looking at him now, I can’t help but think that, if he felt like taking advantage, most women would probably give him whatever he wanted. Some men, too. My cheeks tingle a bit as I remember how much of an idiot I’ve been. I don’t know what makes me feel so comfortable around him, but now it all seems like some strange act, some trick.

It tumbles out of my mouth before he can say anything, maybe because I need to see how he’ll react: “I’ve been here before.”

He blinks and then his eyebrows furrow as he considers me, “Really?” He doesn’t seem surprised, more like I’ve given him a missing puzzle piece.

I narrow my eyes, “Did you know that?” I demand. “My mom has . . .” I pause, “I mean, had a cabin here.”

He shakes his head, “Well, it’s interesting, but I brought you here because of the river, not your mom’s cabin.”

The river? Goosebumps ripple up my arm and I remember, with a sudden ferociousness, running, my breath harsh in my lungs as I sprint from the path and the cabin and my life and away into the trees and hit my toes on a root and whimper, keep going, running faster, the brush catches my arm, keep running, running it hurts but keep running, now down a hill my breath scorching and I rip through the branches to see it, see it . . . My leg gives out and I fall as I hear the pounding of the water just beyond. Pain hurts more because I’m young, my lower half aching and numb, but I gulp in air, can’t move for a moment, and then drag myself forward, bit by bit until I can part the last shrubs and see it: the river which charges through the forest. I crawl to the rocks at the edge and cup my hands to gulp down the water in between my gulps of air.

The river. The river was always my solitary spot, the place I went when I needed to be alone and think, where I could watch the water bugs as they meandered in the calm spots before darting away. Maybe it was because my mother showed it to me before she left and that somehow established it as a safe spot. Maybe, maybe. I swallow and want to shake myself. God damn it, Carmen, get it together. I glare suspiciously at Hombre, “Why the river?”

He shakes his head, “It doesn’t matter. Just come with me.” He points at Beth and Alyssa, but mostly at Beth, “Don’t either of you make a scene, I don’t want to deal with it.”

Beth smiles innocently, but Alyssa chooses to take it personally: “A scene?” she snaps, narrowing her eyes.

I can see him stiffen, and I quickly cut in, trying to defuse the tension, “How far down the river are we going?”

“Well, it’s not really a ‘we.’” He glances at Alyssa as he continues to talk to me, “You’re the only one that I need to come with me.”

“You only want Carmen?” Beth asks, looking a bit hurt.

I can see Alyssa stewing, and I ask, “Why don’t you want them to come?”

Hombre sighs, leaning in to look at the clock, “I didn’t say you two can’t, but I only need Carmen to be there.” He looks at me, “It won’t take long. I promise. You still have a few hours until the show. At least, the worthwhile part of the show.” He says it softly, as if I have a choice, but I get the sense that I don’t. His posture is tense, rigid, and he seems anxious, despite his tone. It’s odd, for a moment I swear I see his irises shift color, little red and gold flakes appearing amongst the blue, but then it’s gone. Maybe it’s because I’m freaking myself out.

I look out the window and find myself chewing my lip again. I force myself to stop, sure I’ll taste blood soon. He wants me to go with him into the forest. Well, maybe I’m down for something stupid if it gets me out of here. I was about to go to a show and be stupid, anyways, so what’s the difference? I nod, “Alright, fine. But anything serial-killer-like and I’ll . . . I’ll punch you.”

“You probably shouldn’t have warned me.”

“Well, I didn’t tell you where, so you’ll have to guess.” I find myself analyzing him, trying to figure out what this is all about, still, and why he needs me to come with him.

He frowns, “Stop looking at me like that. It’s creepy. Just come on, whoever’s also coming.”

Hombre pulls away and slams the car door shut. He gestures for us to follow him, so I open my door and get out, rubbing my arms to get rid of my goose bumps. It doesn’t work. They want to stay. I’m not surprised when I turn around and find Beth’s crawled over the seat to follow me. I see Alyssa considering us and then she opens her door.

Beth, now sliding out of the car, looks back at her, “I thought you’d want to do your homework.”

“Why would I want to do that? I don’t trust him. I’d rather us be in a group.”

“I think we’ll be fine,” I say, and, though I accompany it with a reassuring smile, I’m not quite sure I’m convinced yet. If I’m being honest, I’m actually glad both of them are coming with me.

Author's Note

Pretty sure this is the final edit or very, very, very close. Please let me know if you have any critiques, though!

Reviews

[shelbylugal]

" I can see Beth, in the front seat, staring after Hombre," for me, the first comma causes an unnecessary pause.
"...from a half-forgotten memory - or maybe it’s that the trees, despite growing taller, have kept the same knots." This sentence is absolutely beautiful!
" shivering as I look out around us at the trees, squeezed so close to us on this little path that it feels hard to breathe." Again the comma caused sort of an awkward pause. If I was saying this sentence to someone, I wouldn't pause there.
"While they talk, I silently lean forward, running my hands through my long, black hair, nervous." just say nervously running my hands through my long, black hair.
“I " I thought you’d gotten rid of it.” You have 2 "I
" I had a strange dream, too.” She looks at me... Comma, not period

"Goosebumps ripple up my arm and I remember, with a sudden ferociousness, running, my breath harsh in my lungs as I sprint from the path and the cabin and my life and away into the trees and hit my toes on a root and whimper, keep going, running faster, the brush catches my arm, keep running, running it hurts but keep running, now down a hill my breath scorching and I rip through the branches to see it, see it . . . My leg gives out and I fall as I hear the pounding of the water just beyond" VERY long run on, try to break it up

Loved it! There's a few grammatical errors, but nothing you can't fix in a jiffy! I'm hooked and moving on to the next chapter!
"

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you for the comments! I meat for that last on to be a run-on, trying to emulate her anxiety. I'll fix the rest, though, I think you're right on those commas, I didn't think of it like that. =P

[Emma Olsen]

I think what's happening with the quotations is that they're hyphens and when the text gets copied over here it changes the hyphens to quotations for some reason . . . Thank you for pointing it out. It's right in my word document, but not on here. I don't edit on here, so yeah. =P I'll try to find and fix all of them. Thanks!

[SweetNutmeg]

Excellent stuff! I was looking for a review partner, but I wouldn't be much help to you as I could find nothing to critique. I am only overflowing with praise. I look forward to reading more!

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you very much. =)

[Vivien Shapiro]

i love your writing, you're very talented wow

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you like it. =)

[Eric]

First day here and just starting this... very nice! but a few editorial preferences come to mind: "I silently lean forward, running my hands through my long, black hair, nervous...." People don't run their hands through their long black hair... they run their hands though their hair which has become too long and gets caught in their watch band which because they are nervous they nearly rip out.... etc... "A strange frown on his face"...strange? ...he looked at me and made me feel I should trust him but I knew better...."... obviously you have a solid foundation of skills... and if you feel ready and finished yahoo! :) ... at some point you have to jump! However if you want more feedback some edits come to mind for me!

[Emma Olsen]

I mean, I've run my hands through my hair when I've been nervous. =P I actually adjust my hair fairly frequently when I'm agitated. For clarity: Are you suggesting it doesn't happen or advising for me to expand on the image?
I mean, personally I felt I was just pushing around words last time I went through it, so I figured it was pretty much done. I would be happy to hear any critiques you have, though. As I said below, the run-ons are supposed to emulate the panic of a flashback, so if you have critiques for that area, please keep that in mind.

[Eric]

I mean to say that the story is real to the reader as the character runs her hands through her hair... that is real... people do that... people don't run their hands through their long black hair... unless they have a reason to notice the description texture color like they just dyed it and were now noticing it black as if it were a strangers hair...

[Emma Olsen]

Ahhhhh okay. I was trying to add in some description of Carmen since a few people had said that they were having trouble picturing her. I'll try to adjust it. Thank you! Your phrasing just confused me a little. Glad for the clarification. =P

[SLD Bailey]

First off, I think the way you plunge straight into the action is bold, and it certainly works for the piece. So many writers (myself included) waste precious time with a whole lot of preamble but you cut straight to the quick. It made it easy to immerse myself in the scene.
Careful on your comma use. I tend to break up sentences too often as well, which is the only real reason I'm calling you on it. If you don't already do it, read the sentence aloud to yourself and you will find that sometimes a comma or even two can help break it up, but otherwise it can ruin the flow.
As for characters and plot, you have a lively ensemble here in Alyssa and Beth, but they never quite steal focus from Carmen which is good. There is enough mystery to tug the reader deeper into the story, and you are confident enough of a writer that the reader would trust you to tell it. There were hints of back story but they felt organic and not as if they've been forced in for the sake of it. They're also vague enough that you feel there's more to be learned.
You've occasionally doubled up on words (e.g. gulp, when speaking of her mad-dash to the river) which is easily amended.
Finally, you say you're trying for a sense of suspense, and I think you've achieved that. A strong start which definitely entices the reader onto the next chapter.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you for the detailed review! Yeah . . . I tend to think it's better to put in a comma than not, but I'll look over it again and see if any can be edited out or not. I know the flashback/river scene has been a particular issue with that, considering the way it's structured, and I've been trying to cut back on confusing clauses in the most recent edits. Thank you, again!

[Dipendra]

A strong start.....giving best in first impression

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[theladygraceling]

This is a great first chapter. It's not too revealing but it's enough to really leave me hanging and wanting to read more. I personally wasn't confused by who the characters are or who is speaking but I don't know if that's because you've edited it already. You are an amazing writer. You have the perfect amount of description, not too much, not too little, so I know what the surroundings are like and have a clear idea of what is happening. I will be reading the next few chapters. Nice job.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you! I'm pretty sure this is the most recent edit, so I've attended to most of the comments. =) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[MacKenzie]

This was really interesting, I couldn't stop reading it, I wanted to find out what happened. This was really good and the part about the river was very descriptive. Great job!

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[LawrenceRaybon]

I printed out this chapter and marked it up. I am extremely out of practice with editing markup so I made up my own. I tried to catch all the saying not showing as well as other things. The link is below.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/djh7c7dcm9h8fmv/Other%20breed%20chapter%201%20critique001.pdf

My penmanship sucks, and if you have questions feel free to message me.

Highlights:

The first sentence is attention getting which is good but then it drops off. I feel like Alyssa should say something immediately, even if it's just, "What the hell?" She is the most active person you have, but doesn't come in until much later. It almost feels like she waits until Damian is out of earshot to start complaining.

The second paragraph is a lot of saying not showing and I think it may be what is killing the flow before the story starts, you might want to consider something like,
"Looking around, I rub the sleep from my eyes. A nervous pit forms in my stomach, "Where is he
going? Should we get out of the car or something?""
This makes the paragraph much more active and cuts out the dead weight. We can surmise from the dialogue that the speaker is both confused and trying to figure out what made him leave it doesn't need to be explained. In general I feel like you could strive for a more active voice, you'll see other examples in the marked up document in the link.

All three girls have the same speaking patterns. It is easy to tell who is speaking because you set the dialogue up well, but if you just read the dialogue it sounds like a single person talking. Each of these character needs to find their voice or their vocal mannerisms that set them apart from each other.

I was confused by the references to smoke and ash. Is there something burning?

The descriptions, especially of the woods, are fairly bland. You go into detail when you talk about the foul, smoky, oppressive feeling and that's good, but at the beginning, for example, you describe the brush as thick and green. Of course the brush is thick and green, that's generally what brush is! Why would the main character bother to notice a mundane thing? Why should we as the audience care? Maybe Damien in his green and gray camo shirt disappears among the brush and shadows... Now the fact that the brush is green is important. (I don't think Damien would be wearing camo, it's just an example ;) ) Try to make the descriptions matter, if the reader doesn't care then the words are wasted and it makes for a boring read.

Again there is more in the file linked above, but I think I hit the main points, let me know if you have questions. I respect you too much to try to come up with trivial complements to end this review. We both know that the story is good and that your writing is good and that it is through constructive criticism that it will get better. I hope this review will be helpful and answer some question I have seen you ask. I look forward to reading a rewrite and the rest of the book.

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Emma Olsen]

Hahahaha! Thanks for that last part, I got a bit worried when you said the word 'boring.' =P I actually added in the 'thick and green' because my mom said I should describe it. Guess I went too plain. Haha.

Thank you so much for the detailed commentary! I'm excited to go over it. I've been staring at it so long that I can't really see it properly, anymore. =P It's fantastic to have other people look over it and see things I'm blind to, especially the showing not telling parts - I'm having difficulty distinguishing when it's a distraction right now and not simply adding to character.

In regards to smoke and ash . . . I'm going to try to say this without spoiling anything right now, but smoke and ash (specifically cigarette smoke) are symbols for bad memories Carmen has. I'm assuming that this is just throwing you off right now from your comments. Do you have any suggestions for altering their mention, keeping that in mind? Probably something about her noticing nothing's on fire, right? =P

[LawrenceRaybon]

Telling is almost always a distraction/boring and, more importantly a lost opportunity to show something interesting. You use the word 'confused' a lot to describe both the Narrator and Beth, it would be way more interesting if they showed some physical aspect when they are confused. For example Beth could play with her hair... This gives us an interesting character trait and a trigger that lets us know when Beth bites or twirls or tugs her hair she is probably confused, without being obtrusive or distracting or passively telling.

On the other hand, when a character has a tic, make sure the emotion it is meant to portray is clearly defined at least once to let us know what it means. I remember the narrator biting her lip often, but I had gotten so used to being spoon fed emotions I had no idea what it was supposed to mean. I remember coming across the lip biting the first time and being excited that you were showing, not telling, but then it happened often with no clear indication of why she bit her lip so often (I feel like the whole first chapter happens in about 5 minutes and I can think of at least three references to biting the lip, that's biting of the lip roughly every minute and a half) If one of her friends commented on it the second time, and because they know her so well and it can go along the lines of, "What you thinking?" "Why?" "I know you're worried, you're biting you lip again." Obviously there are better ways to write the dialogue, but you get the idea. This would give us something to latch onto, make the lip biting a valid character trait for the reader, and give you a yardstick to see how often the character is worried, and see if you need to vary the emotion so it doesn't get repetitive.

As far as description in general goes, especially in first person, the character needs to relate to the things they're describing. If the thing they're describing doesn't really interest them why would the notice it, and if they are noticing it what is so interesting that caught their notice! This not only gives us description of the scene but also gives us insight into the character, and making words do double (or triple) duty is always a good thing.

In regards to the smoke and ash, I think if you chose one or the other you'd be okay. Bring up something can be written off as poetic license and then revealed later to be foreshadowing. Twice, especially fire related imagery in a forest, makes it seem like there is a fire somewhere...

I'm glad your finding the review helpful and let me know if you need me to clear up any of my responses!

Cheers,
Lawrence

[Emma Olsen]

I got you. I know the first few chapters in particular are rough, even though they've had the most edits. I think I've been through this chapter about fifteen times over the past couple years. =P
Well, basically, there's a reason why I need fresh eyes on this. I had two readers close to me say that it really starts reading well after chapter 10, which is both good and, well, not good. haha! Most of the comments on here have been extremely helpful, though. I'm about to start working on it again, after taking a break for a few weeks, so I'll keep my eye out for these things as I make another pass.
At least these comments have pretty much all said that they're interested in continuing to read. =) That's the most important part. =P Thank you, again. I'll let you know if I have any questions as I keep going. =)

[Emma Olsen]

I changed a few things around if you ever have time to look this over again. There were a few things I kept unchanged because of plot/character/aesthetic reasons, but I tried to clarify some things you were confused about and fleshed out some details and reactions more. I left in some of the telling, but I only really left it in where I felt it was appropriate for Carmen to be telling the audience, since she's a particular voice.
If you really feel strongly about something I didn't change, let me know. I know the one thing you mentioned which I didn't really change were the speech patterns - mostly because I've found that close friends tend to talk similarly and I think it's a way to show that they're close. I figure they're all such different characters that it's not as much of an issue. Trying to make Hombre's speech more direct and unique has been a focus in the past, though, so let me know if he sounds too similar or something.
Also, a few of the run-ons you pointed out were written that way to try to show that she's panicking. Let me know if they aren't doing their job. I was trying to use the rhetorical device (polysyndeton?) where 'and' is used repeatedly in order to cultivate a certain emotion and mood.

Anyways, thank you! =)

[LawrenceRaybon]

You're welcome! I look at it again soon. When I was going through and marking, I marked everything I saw because the thing I read in your review comments most was that you asked for specific examples. I wanted to make sure you saw everything so that you could make a conscious choice each time about saying or showing or whatever. It's what I do in my own work sometims (I wait a couple of days and then mark it up with fresh eyes) so I know every choice I make is deliberate. I didn't expect changes on each thing marked just bringing everything to your attention, sorry I didn't make that more clear in the first place! I look forward to reading the new draft! =)

[LawrenceRaybon]

Sorry for all the mistakes in the last comment, I'm typing these on a phone right now and it's a pain trying to proofread... :)

[Emma Olsen]

No, no, I mean, that's the nature of critique. You tell me what you think I should change and it's up to me whether I change it or not. I was just pointing out a few things that I felt might need further justification for why I didn't change them, just in case you felt like going over it again. =)

[LawrenceRaybon]

Nice, I really like the rewrite! The beginning is a lot more engaging (at least to me) as well as the chapter as a whole. Also, the slight changes to the dialogue have made the characters more distinct which is nice.

There were only two parts that kind of bugged me.

First, at the beginning, "I can see Beth, in the front seat, staring after Hombre. From how red her eyes are, she must’ve been asleep herself." The second sentence all tell, I would combine these two sentences something like, "I can see Beth in the front seat, her eyes red and puffy from sleeping, staring after Hombre."

The second thing that bothered me was what the path they are on looks like. I get the feeling that the bushes are a little ways away at the beginning, but when hombre comes back it seems like there isn't room to open the door the bushes are so close.

Other than those two things, great job on the rewrite! I'll look at the next chapter in the next few days. Would you like me to do the markup like I did with this chapter?

Cheers,
Lawrence

[Emma Olsen]

If you want to, that'd be cool. I've pretty heavily edited the first four, now, from what they were before, but if you see anything, I'd like to know.
Do you know in particular what made you think the bushes are far away? They're supposed to be close. Is it that he throws the door open or something?

[LawrenceRaybon]

I think it's that he throws the door open and then it stays open so that Alyssa has to pull it shut. I guess I just picture the door being wide open when she shuts it.

[Emma Olsen]

Okay, I got you. I can see how that would be confusing. I'll adjust it. Congratulations, by the way. =)

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you!

[EmmaT306]

It draws me in and leaves me wondering what's happening. But on the other hand, the first paragraph left feeling confused because I have no clue who these characters are or why I should care about them. For myself, I have a hard time getting into a story that is written in the first person. I'm wondering if you've tried to writing this story from the third person. This is just a personal opinion about point to view. I do like how you show your main characters reaction to where she's at. Very good at showing not telling.

[Emma Olsen]

Hmm . . . do you have any suggestions? I tried to edit the beginning down to make it more tense since people were originally saying they were having a hard time getting into it until they were past the intro. Is the confusion distracting? Or does it provoke you to keep reading?
No . . . I understand some people prefer it, but a third-person narrator would actually ruin some elements of the plot. This is a story I think needs to be told from Carmen's point of view. I don't really like writing third-person, anyways. It eliminates some of the character development, I think, and this book is pretty character-driven. Thank you for the suggestion, though!

[EmmaT306]

Point of View is always the writer's choice. So, feel free to leave it in first person. I haven't read the intro you had but maybe you could shorten and it would work. This was something I had to work on with my novel. You don't need anything very long, a few sentences or a paragraph perhaps.

[Emma Olsen]

Just to clarify: when I said intro, I was talking about the first few paragraphs. We're talking about the same thing, right? (Sorry if we are, I might just be confused by your wording.)

[EmmaT306]

I was thinking that you had cut some paragraphs out.

[Emma Olsen]

A little bit. I dunno. I have to work on this later when I have time. I'll figure it out. =P Thank you for your help!

[Forgotten14]

There's the mixture of suspicion and relaxation that I'm getting from this. I love how vividly you described Carmen and the river. It sounds very lovely.
Keep it up, I'm hooked~

[Emma Olsen]

Thanks, dude! =) Glad you like it.