SATURN

Written 6/13/09.

A watched pot doesn’t boil, you cannot make it
Sometimes you must take it from the fire
Get it cooking once again

Now I see our time in pair one-sided
Entangled webs and rusty machines
Only running at his claim of peril-
You beck and call
I scamper to your side
But when I put my heart out, on the line
I’m denied.
Love breaks, resentment returns 
Passion burns it
All to ground
Anger ensues, ensures
Planet’s rings circulate, turns it all back, Panic
Dissipates, hello Rage
Welcome, Loathing
Welcome Home.

And when all is said and done
In our darkest hours I know
You’ll bury a string of women beneath you
Washing me from your memory
And I, a string of men
Over me
Pretend it never happened
The good times… all just
Fabrications
Not now, not ever, nor then.

 

‘Aint no face-to face
Conversation to be had can tell me
I already know.

‘Ain’t no ‘couple of days’ I wait
Gonna change things
I already know.
(waited and waited days turned to weeks months years last time these terms your terms were followed brought me to hell and back again no no no more)
‘Aint no field of green and promises
Lure me
This one you shall know
‘Aint no changes ever made
Can’t change a man
I already knew
You already know.

 

As soon as it moved forward, that last day
Of six and ten-
-SNAP-

And back

To your old self again.

 

Author's Note

Probably needs revision.

Reviews

[kewlbluetiger]

Wow there's some really creative and thoughtful stuff here. Where do I start? At the end! Love the -SNAP- to drive it home! Before that, Loved Loved Loved the "'Ain't no face to face" stanza, because it fell into a snappy rhythm that was just amazing for the lines. It was like dance to the music. Then before that in the first stanza where the rings turn back time, and then you take us backwards was just creative genius.

Probably could use some work, especially where you hit us with the info dump in the parenthesis (no bueno for me) BUT whatever. Overall I loved it!

Really poetic way of describing a relationship where you know you've gone back once too many times until enough is enough!

Can't wait to read more!

[Ezira Kardtman]

I like the "anger ensues, ensures" line. Very nice.

[Tobias Wall]

I like the "hello rage, Welcome Loathing, Welcome Home" part.

and again, me being a man...sometimes, I hate us. We make me sick!, so to speak. The poem captures the rage you feel, the rage I feel too. strings of men/strings of women...good way to make that point!

[Jaffa Forbes]

lots of good stuff here! as I've said before, your placement of words and rhythm is great, maybe if you have time think a bit more about exactly when to break the stanzas and when to put in punctuation. But that's nit-picking :) Good stuff!
Jaff :)