the change

just a short synopsis of my view on current life

I am cursed with this everlong syndrome of wavelike pattern. That is the only way I can describe it; this lifestyle. One day I am so overwhelmed, so over my head with everything that it feels like I am actually drowning. The tears that fall ever so gracefully on my pillow just another current pulling me farther into the black ocean that consumes me. Then the next day I am so numb and tired of everything I can do nothing but stare at my wall and lose focus.  Everything turns off. My vision, my hearing, even my mind. I go blank as the cloak of apathy surrounds me, comforts me with its feeling of nothing until the comfort soon becomes uncomfortable and then unbearable and then turns into horrible, horrible voids of blankness that I can’t escape. These are the worst days. I would rather have every second soaked with pain and emotion than to feel nothing at all. This pattern is cyclic, never ceasing, not since The Change occurred. I have tried to get rid of it, but it’s like a slow progression of a disease that has no cure, and the more The Change develops, the bigger the waves get in this pattern.

It started with a few of my friends freshmen year. They began talking differently, dressing for others instead of themselves, and soon drifted away. They were now part of the popular kids, a forgotten memoir to my childhood, lost forever to a life of social media and fake personality. They had all disappeared without so much as a goodbye. I should have taken their Change as a warning, an omen to the near future. It hurt, seeing them live different lives and soon the first waves of the everlong syndrome began to knock me over. I was so blind with hurt and rejection that I didn't see the subtle changes in my best friend until it was too late. Soon, she too had sucumbbed to The Change. Eight years I had known her. We were practically sisters, she was one of the most important people in my life. Yet, her innocent, free-willed spirit had now changed to an attention seeking, selfish desire of a personna. Unlike the rest of my friends, however, who had drifted away, she stayed in my life. A stranger connected to me by thin wires of faded memories that would soon extinguish and be lost forever. It was only a matter of time, and that was enough for my head to start slipping below the surface of the dark, vast ocean. My life was plagued. I began to walk around, numb and empty, looking for anyone to fill the hole The Change had left by diseasing my friends. I was lonely and needed just one person who was genuine and had feelings. And soon I came across that one person. We quickly became best friends and even had a stronger relationship than my old best friend of eight years. We played guitar, and baked, and hiked, and took road trips. I ran to her when I needed advice and she leaned on me when she had a bad day. We were inseparable. And everything was okay for a little while. Until it wasn’t. The Change was different this time. Month by month, it slowly spread throughout her until she was contorted and a completely different person from whom I had met in the beginning. She wasn’t my best friend. I began to sink, but this time I didn’t fight it. I let the current drag me like a ragdoll until the light was no longer existent and the cold spread to the very core of my body. I gave up.

I have been cheated and used, lost and forgotten, remembered and thought of by no one. Everyone I know has Changed. I walk this world alone, everyday harder and harder to grasp. I continue to stare at my wall and let the waves wash over me, apathy consuming my life and leaving nothing as a result. Trust too much and you will have nothing left. The world is a terrible game of roulette, and I can only hope that The Change doesn’t come for me next.

Author's Note

sorry for the basic high school teenage shit but i think this stage applies to everyone. everyone changes at some point in their life, for better or worse.

Reviews

[Justin]

that was really amazing!!! u did a great job of describing of high school and the down sides of it!!!! once you leave high school, you are able to become your own individual person!!!! amazing job :)