a few shadows apart

It’s been six years since we met. It should be more in all actuality, us having been in the same class through the four years of college. But it wasn’t until the third year that we first spoke to each other, and it has been six years since then. Six years is a long time, more than enough for two people who both liked each other, and who both knew their liking of each other, to actually get together. Yet, we are as far apart as ever. 

Deita. I must have seen her many times in the first two years, especially since we sat a few rows and a few chairs apart. We must have even exchanged conversations in those two years. Yet, on that fateful Monday morning, it felt like I was speaking to her for the very first time. I was in the library, looking for a book on neural networks for the assignment that was due in the afternoon. I had picked up the habit of delaying assignments until the last second before getting to them. Sure the quality suffered, but no professor ever complained, and so I wasn’t much bothered about correcting myself. In fact, the professors mostly praised me for my work, which strengthened the resolve of my procrastination. That morning, I had barely two hours to complete an assignment which would need many times more hours. We had been given a week to complete it. Just as I found the book, and a chair to get started on the assignment, I saw her. 

“Are you working on the neural networks assignment by any chance?” she asked. 

“Yes,” I answered, automatically, paying no attention to her. 

“Could I join you please?” she asked. It was then that I looked up at her, and yet I barely noticed much of her. That was the kind of person I was. The only reason I looked at her was to assign a face to her. 

“Ok, sure,” I replied, unsure of my answer. Waiting for no further invitation, she immediately accepted the offer, with a large smile on her face. For the next hour we worked in silence, not a sound between the two of us until I was happy with the three pages I had prepared. She was done too, I realised, at the exact same time as me. 

“I’m Deita,” she said, as she thanked me. 

“Yes, of course. We’re in the same class,” I replied, trying to sound confident while attempting to hide my embarrassment. It wasn’t obvious at all. I didn’t know her name until she said it herself. 

“Yup, that we are. The same class. Let’s go back then Bevan?” she asked. Not waiting for a reply, she started for the class, pulling me along with her. 

It was an innocent walk back to class. The conversation that had accompanied us was as simple as it could be. Yet, by the end of the ten minute walk to class, we had become more than the strangers we had been until an hour back. 

“Don’t worry, although I copied off you, I made sure to make it seem completely different, like it was a work from someone of my intellect,” she whispered to me with a proud grin as we walked into the class. 

“Thanks,” I answered, unable to think of anything else to say. I couldn’t understand what it was about her that was different. Was it her playful innocence? Or her unfailing spirit? Or just her cheerfulness? I couldn’t put a finger on it. I only know I couldn’t get her out of my head that day. Only sleep could do that. 

It was a whole week later that we spoke again, when we were returned our assignments. I had been given an A-, which was the lowest I had gotten that year. I didn’t feel much about it though, because I still couldn’t understand why I would be given such a high grade for such unprepared work. I was curious about Deita’s grade, and didn’t have to wait long luckily. She was excited enough about her grade to be bouncing off her chair. Looking at me with the brightest smile I had ever seen in my life, she mouthed her grade to me. B-. She was delighted. And I was smiling along with her. 

My friends had noticed this exchange, and the questions began the second class ended. We called ourselves a gang, the seven of us. I explained to them that it was nothing, we had just done the assignment together in the library. But they weren’t convinced. They could see something between the two of us that I couldn’t. Ignoring them, I continued on with the day. 

The assignment had laid the road for our friendship to walk on. And friends we did become. By the end of the third year, we had become really good friends. Enough to spend the mornings of the exams studying together. It was still a little strange though. Deita and I were such good friends, but Deita wasn’t comfortable with the rest of the gang. She found them a little too arrogant for her taste, a squabble that was supposedly existent since the first year of college, which I was unaware of. Deita was good friends with Harry, whom we all hated for the very same reason, that he was an unbearable arrogant prick. We had even named him Hairy. That was the way things were. Deita wasn’t comfortable with my friends, and I with hers, but the two of us liked spending time together. 

During the holidays, we met for a movie that she had been eagerly waiting for. Movie followed by lunch, before we left. At the end, I asked her if this was a date, and she laughed it off as a no. I didn’t think much of it, and was sure she didn’t either. The next we met was as we started with the fourth and final year of college. Everyday we were in constant touch through texts, but meeting in person was something else entirely. 

The situation did change through the fourth year. Even as we decided to be project partners. Things were going to get complicated, and neither of us was ready. One night, I asked Lena from my gang out on a date, and she agreed. We kept it quiet, just between the two of us. A week later, we were a couple, and sharing it with the rest of our gang. I was happy, on a high. Lena was a great girl, and we were great together. Everyone was happy for us. Even Deita. 

My being a couple with Lena did start to change things though, as I started spending more time with her, leaving less to spend with Deita. I didn’t even notice any change, until the last month of college. Classes were done, leaving us time to finish our projects and prepare for exams. It was then that it made itself known to me. We were on the roof of our department building. We met regularly, to plan the progress for our project. And we had completed it, well before any other group. That left us with a lot of time, much more than anyone else. That day had been a cloudy day, the perfect day to spend outdoors. Which was why we had found our way to the terrace. I would never forget the conversation we had on the terrace that day. 

“So, this is it, Bevan,” she said. She lay on the ground, as I sat by her side. 

“What do you mean?” I asked her, unsure of what she was trying to say. 

“Our project is done. A month later, our exams will be done. And that’s it with college. Who knows what’s after that.”

“We will still be in touch. We will still be the same,” I answered. But I could understand what she meant. I hadn’t thought about it until then. 

“Yeah, yeah. I guess we will.” Although she said the words, I couldn’t hear any conviction behind them. She didn’t believe in what she was saying herself. 

“We will,” I repeated. 

We remained silent after that, for as long as we were on the terrace. I wanted to reach for her hand, hold it in mine and assure her that nothing would change. But I couldn’t. I could do nothing but remain as still as the silence between us. 

The last month passed by quickly. Lena and I were great when we started, but things hadn’t remained so. She was very much in love with me, but I just couldn’t find it in me, to find the happiness in our relationship. I couldn’t even understand it myself, what it was that had gone wrong in our relationship. I just knew the feeling that was filling me, the desire to run away as far as possible. Away from Lena, and everything else. I was sure that meant that it wasn’t a happy relationship, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in such a relationship. 

I said nothing though, until the last day. Our exams were completed, and we wouldn’t be returning to college. We were graduating. It was a dramatic day. Everyone’s lives were changing, and there was drama and emotions everywhere. Finding myself some alone time, I walked one last time through all the corridors I had walked through for the last four years. I had spent four years of my life there, great years with some great experiences. I had made great friends, and a great many things had happened in those very corridors. Yet, I felt nothing as I walked through them for the last time. I was leaving, but I couldn’t find it in me to feel anything for the college. Not in the classes I had studied in, not in the labs that I had spent the majority of my college life in, not anywhere in college. 

Walking out, I saw Deita and Harry having a deep conversation, so into it they were oblivious to the rest of the world. Deciding not to interrupt them, I headed on. I would speak to Deita again, and there was no need to say farewell to Harry. Lena was waiting for me, at the gate. And as I saw her, I knew what I had to do. I told her of my intention to break up. She was surprised. It was definitely not something she was expecting, and certainly not something she was prepared for. I wasn’t sure I could explain it to her, however hard I tried, so I just repeated that our relationship was over and walked out. 

Lena had tried reaching me constantly the next few days, but I kept avoiding her. Two weeks later, I left the city. I had gotten admission in a business school, and that was what my plans for the future were. 

The first year of MBA lost me all contact with everyone from our gang. Lena was the only one who was in touch with me, but she was someone I didn’t really want to meet or be in touch with. I returned home after a year, and was surprised to realise there was no one for me to meet. As I sat at home, alone since my parents had already left for work, I found the memory of the terrace returning. The last conversation Deita and I really shared. And then I realised, Deita and I had fallen out of touch. Hoping for her number to have remained unchanged, I called her. I was delighted when it turned out she still had the same number. We spoke for a while, and decided to meet. 

She had the night shift. So, we decided to meet at noon, after she woke up. We planned for lunch, a movie and then dinner before I dropped her off at her office. Through lunch we caught up with what had changed in the past year. As I told her about Lena and I breaking up on the last day of college, she told me about she and Harry breaking up on the very same day. It was then that I understood what the conversation I had witnessed had been about. I was surprised however, because I hadn’t even realised they were together. The movie felt the same as the first movie we saw together. It felt the same, being with her. After the movie I dropped her home, for her to get ready for office. An hour later, I picked her up from her home, and we drove to a restaurant where she had made reservations for the two of us. Through dinner, we spoke about our plans for the future. She had gotten admission into a university for her masters, and would be leaving in two months. It was in North America however, thousands of miles away. 

As I dropped her off at office, and was returning home, I realised it. It was obvious why she felt so good, why I felt so good with her. I liked her. I really, really liked her. I wanted to turn back right then, but couldn’t. And I didn’t know why. I returned to my MBA, and she left for her masters. It was a year later that we spoke again. 

In the mean time, after graduating from business school, I called our gang for a meet. Lena and I would be meeting after so long, I wasn’t sure how it would be. But we couldn’t make it. Everyone was too far spread out, and far too busy to gather on the whims of the person who had fallen completely out of touch, and with such short notice. They had work, and their own lives. Only Lena and I could meet. She wasn’t a happy person though. We were finally meeting, and she had a lot on her mind to share. She still had a lot of anger and hurt suppressed in her, because of me. And she expressed her mind as much as she could. The meeting was as far from memorable as it could possibly be. I deserved to be hated, deserved to face Lena’s venting of her frustration. It was then that I realised how much I had hurt Lena. 

She was still angry as she left. I was to start work a week later. It took a while, two months, but we were finally back in touch, the gang. But it was not whole. Lena wasn’t there. The gang which was once seven members strong, had become just four of us. Among the many things we spoke about, were included Deita and Harry. They all knew about the two of them begin together, and also breaking up. I was surprised. It was only for my benefit that they were even talking about Deita. At the same time Deita and I started talking again. She told me about the great time she was having there. Things were going good. 

It was a Monday, when we spoke about the first time we went to the movie. She said to me that she had always liked me. That I was the only one who didn’t know, among all from class. I was surprised. It was only after Lena and I started dating that she started dating Harry. She never did give me the whole story about her and Harry. Just that they broke up because she couldn’t stand him flirting with all his “girlfriends” any longer. But they were still friends and still in touch. She asked about Lena, and I truthfully told her I wasn’t in touch. We had found a schedule for ourselves, to maintain contact through the time difference, my work and her college. But that ended when she had her exams, and once again we were out of touch, for months. 

It was a year since I started working. Lena and I were still stuck in the same place, and it was time we moved on. We met for lunch. There was still a lot on her mind she had yet to share. It didn’t long to get through it all though. By the end of lunch, all that was left to be said was said. We had been together for less than a year, but our break up had lasted three years. It was finally over though. We were saying goodbye as we walked out of the restaurant. I wasn’t sure if we would be in touch anymore. 

Deita called me to tell me she was coming home for vacation. She would be here for three weeks, and she wanted a day with me. I agreed. We had planned for it a month before she was to return, and I couldn’t wait for the day to arrive. When it finally did, I couldn’t bring myself to be as excited as I would have expected to be. 

There was so much we had to talk about. There was so much she had changed. She had streaks of violet and blue in her hair, rings on her fingers and bands on her arms, none of which she had before. I had barely changed the slightest. It didn’t take too long for conversation to steer clear of how we looked, and towards our lives. She had so many tales to tell, and I was all ears. It felt so good with her, so natural. Like we belonged together. In the five hours preceding our movie, conversation hadn’t stalled for a minute. There was so much she had to tell. She had always been a talker, and I a listener. And we were comfortable to return to how we used to be. 

After the movie, as I dropped her home, I asked her again. “Does this count as a date?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. “I’m not sure.”

“Guess it makes sense,” I agreed. 

“For now, let’s just say we met. Why don’t you come over? During summer. I won’t have classes. We can take a car, and go on a road trip. It’ll be awesome,” she said, her normal excited self as she spoke. 

“Sure,” I agreed. “Let’s make a plan of it.” 

“You do know I like you, don't you?” I asked. 

“Yeah, I do,” she answered, the excitement replaced by a soft smile that hid her mind quite well. 

“Yeah, guess you do,” I agreed. 

“You guys are still in touch? Your gang?” she asked. 

“Not all of us. Just a few. Not Lena,” I answered her asked and unasked questions. 

“Oh, good.”

“You and Harry still in touch?” I asked. 

“Yeah. He’s doing his masters too, but in a different state,” she answered. 

An expected uncomfortable silence followed, which led way to the parting. Wishing each other a good night, we left. She into her home, and I back to mine. 

A year later, we are still in touch. Still the same. With the same distance between us. Although she had excitedly mentioned it, after my confession that followed, things weren’t the same. We both knew we liked each other. But as long as it was unsaid, we could just ignore it. But once it was said, it was out in the open. And things couldn’t remain the same. We share a conversation every few weeks, just so we can say we are still in touch. She was much more regularly in contact with Harry, and I with what was left of my gang. 

It has been six years since we met. Looking back, it was a magical meeting. Everything we had, everything we shared was magical. Like we were meant to be together. Yet, we were nowhere near together. There were too many shadows on the road between us. Shadows of the friends we disliked, shadows of the past we cannot forget, shadows of the choices we regret. If only I had asked Deita out instead of Lena, if only I had called it a date the first time we went out to a movie, if only I had done something instead of saying “I guess so,” and remaining still. There are too many things that happened that shouldn’t have. But all of those things have brought us where we are. 

Maybe Deita and I really were meant to be. That is why we keep coming back to each other, even though it keeps getting weird between us. Maybe that is why we always end up speaking even though we ask for time. I don’t think I would ever know. I can only guess. 

All I do know is that I like Deita. And that some day I would be able to tell her, and she tell me, “I love you.”