Final Goal

Warning: This may trigger people who deal with mental health, read at your own risk.

The feeling of loss. I gripped the belt in my hand so hard that it made markings on the tips of my fingers. The feeling of regret still lingers around my mind. I rushed to my corner of the room and swung the closet door wide open and quickly sat behind it, belt still in my hand. Tears overflowing in my eyes but no wail or sound to be heard by my trembling mouth. My body is so stiff that my legs won't move a second but my hands still shake rapidly and uncontrollably. I take a deep breath. 

Slowly the belt starts wrapping around my neck and I try to adjust it till both ends of the even. Another deep breath. At this moment I just hear the world. The ac blasting, the pitter patter of the drizzle outside, trees swaying side to side dancing with the soft wind. Then the world stops and the only thing in motion is my heart. That, I did not like. That, I did not want. I grip the belt once again but this time with both of my hands. I start to strangle myself. I try six or seven times trying my best to just at least knock myself out. Each time my head hurts. Each time felt like my last breath. But none were. I keep going and I keep crying. Tears kept reappearing even after trying to wipe them off over and over again. And then I stop. 

My head hurts, but only physically. Mentally, I'm just drained as well as numb. No thoughts. Nothing came into my mind. Just blank stares on the stained floor and wet, teary eyes. I try again. And again. And again. Each time hurt more than the attempts before but each time I'm getting closer and closer to my final goal. 

Suddenly, I hear the door open ajar. Suddenly I froze. 

The sounds of footsteps overwhelm me as I hear them coming closer and closer. They sound lost but also focused. Curious but unsure. And then they stop, right in front of my closet door.