Birth in the Car

This memoir piece is a humorous look into the author's experience of giving birth in the passenger seat of the family car.

Most women give birth to their little bundles of joy in a nice sterile hospital room, with family outside the door anxiously waiting. Not I! I gave birth to a 7lb 4oz, beautiful baby girl in the passenger seat of the family car. A brand new car might I add, a 2003 Pontiac Grand AM, that was fresh off the showroom floor. However it wasn’t that fresh when I was done. How could this have happen? In order to answer that question I would have to take you back to the day before.

It was July 25^th, a hot and sticky Midwest summer. I feel like I’m about to explode, as I feel my skin tighten around the little foot poking through my skin. You want out?  Well the feeling is mutual. I’ve now gained a waddle, that can put a duck to shame, and this excruciating pain in my pelvis isn’t making walking any easier.

Wow! This pregnancy is so much different than my first, which puts a true meaning to all pregnancies are different, squashing the myth that pregnancies are only different if the sex is different. I half shuffled, half waddled back to my bedroom, attempting to find something to wear for church. Flopping on the bed I stare into the closet of what I use to be, and look down at the rotund mass in front of me. Goodness….I got three more days to go.  Finally I settle for a white maternity top, and black maternity pants, and some flat black sandals. I flop back on my bed taking a deep breath, feeling like I’ve just partaken in the Insanity workout.  

I arrive at church and waddled across the street to the small brick building, sitting on the once vibrant street. My pastor said that he chose this location, in order to restore life to this block that was now drug ridden and filled with vacant houses. Reaching the stairs I stand there for a while, wondering if I have the stamina to lift my legs and climb the five concrete steps. I finally reach the top of the stairs and did a little dance of praise; I have conquered the demon that was stairs!

                Our church service was one of high praise. The mothers with their assortments of big colorful hats, were sitting proudly on the second pew, rocking back and forth, clapping in agree with the Word going forth. My pastor standing tall behind the podium would allow his voice to rise when he reached the strong points of his sermon. The organ rumbling in the background to better heighten the pastors point, then suddenly a younger female member broke into a holy dance, her feet stomping against the old creaky wooden floor in a rhythmic tune, sounded like tribal drums.  Instantly more members started popping up all over the church to join the young lady in her praise.  I’m so envious at their agility and how free they are in the moment, I rub my baby to be, and then suddenly I realize I have to use the bathroom.

I shuffled across the back of the church to face my demon again…the bathroom was downstairs. Why did this bathroom have to be downstairs? It’s clammy and creepy down here and if I see a mouse!  I washed my hands, fixed my shirt and looked at myself in the mirror and let out a long sigh…three more days.  My little bundled rolled over as to say, you’re telling me.  Rounding the corner to face my obstacle, rectangle by torturous rectangle, I feel a dull pain race across my back.  Oh wow my back really hurts; it’s probably from sitting on that hard pew.  Gripping  the rail, I make it back to the top of stairs, that was definitely a workout, now I’m hungry.

What is going on? My back is killing me; it’s been hurting since church, and all through dinner. I cannot wait to get this kid out of me. Maybe I should lie down.  I wake up abruptly from someone calling my name.  Oh it’s just the perpetrator that got me pregnant, my eyes darted to the clock it was 8:36pm, darn it still 3 more days. Trying to sit up is a job of it’s on, so I stopped doing that a long time ago. I decided that a half roll, half scoot, while swinging my legs in the direction I want to stand is the best way to conquer my goal.  After a couple of minutes of acrobatics and the insensitive jerk in the next room steadily bellowing my name, I make it to my feet.  What do you want?  Somehow the cable came back on.  I woke up and it was just on, the perpetrator said. Oh wow, that’s great, I faked enthusiasm.  Shuffling my way to the kitchen, I had a sudden urge for ice. Grabbing my ice tray from the freezer, I walked into the living room, flopped down on the couch and decided to watch some of this miracle cable. My…this little girl is really flipping around tonight, maybe like me she can’t get comfortable, or it could be the hot wings that I had for dinner.  Continuing to dine on the best ice known to man, it hit me…OK that was no fun. I turn to the perpetrator; I just had a contraction go grab the watch and time them.  I begin pacing the floor, chalking them up to Braxton-Hicks; they are coming sporadically, so this is probably just a false alarm.

Uh-oh, I must have walked my dinner down!  Hurrying to the bathroom, I am already half undressed; I am too old to be reduced to the acts of my two year old. Thank God I made it. I make my way back down the hall way, flop back on the couch and I got to go again. This happened about four more times and now I am considering leaving my pants and undies off, it would save time.  I’m on my fifth trip to the bathroom, and the perpetrator replies, Dang, what did you eat? Now I’m really curious to what the heck is going on, I did not eat that much, and here it comes again. I dash to the toilet and as soon as I plop down, it feels like someone kicked me in my side with a stiletto pump. My body is possessed, what the hell?! I’m  trying to push something out my bladder that is not there, this kid is flipping like an Olympic gold gymnast, this pain is paralyzing and I cannot get off the toilet, what the hell?!

Tears are riding my eyelids as I try to brace myself for the next contraction, then the perpetrator appears in the bathroom, “I’m about to go to bed”, as if he is oblivious to my pain. Yep should’ve divorced you a long time ago.  My jaws hurt from gritting my teeth, my panties now lie shredded on the floor, and I have to find a way off this TOILET!!

The contractions are constant at almost five minutes apart, so when I get a pause I will just get up and head to the hospital.  I get my break, I get off the toilet, shuffles pass the mirror, and oh I look hideous!! I got about two more minutes. I grab a t-shirt, shorts and of course a new pair of underwear, I slip on my flip flops and damn five minutes. I grip the side of the bed and roar so loud; I make the lions in Africa afraid.  My perpetrator sits up in the bed. I tell him it’s time to go. It’s probably nothing you are just exaggerating, the pain isn’t that bad, he says. I stood straight up to unleash a line of explicit phrases and then I looked at the clock, damn five minutes. I somehow made my way to the living room couch, where I wailed, and moaned for what seems like the next hour, while the town idiot took his sweet little time dressing him and my daughter. If my pain was not so crippling I would drive myself. Yep I’m definitely calling the divorce lawyer when I get back home.

OH MY GOD!! Could you possibly hit another pothole, I mean really?! Then the next act just totally blew my mind, this fool had to stop and get some gas. It does not matter that I told him last week to keep the tank full, but now in the middle of my labor, this idiot needs to get gas!! It is so hot in here; I roll down the window and stick my head out. We’re in a gas station filled with late night club goers and other unsavory characters and this idiot is whistling at the pump. The contractions are now coming faster and harder and I am burning up.  Now I have my head stuck out the window wailing at the moon, while everyone is staring at me, like a deranged lunatic.  All I want to do is make it to the HOSPITAL!

Back in the car, is like a scene from driving Miss Daisy. Could he possibly drive any slower? Suddenly my body is going berserk again, I am pushing, but I am not in control of the pushing.  I’ve manage to prop the top half of my body over the arm rest, with my hand griping the gear lever, by this time the pain is so bad my big toe has stiffen and is comfortably holding my weight off the seat.  THIS BABY IS COMING, THIS BABY IS COMING!!  No, No, No, you have to hold on! What?! Then I feel a pop and liquid rushing down my legs, OH MY GOD, MY WATER JUST BROKE AND HER HEAD IS IN MY PANTIES!!!  I DON’T WANT TO HAVE MY BABY IN THIS CAR; I DON’T WANT TO HAVE MY BABY IN THIS CAR!!  Too late! I feel something heavy and slimy sliding downs the leg of my shorts.  I look over in my seat, and she lets out a cry. THE BABY IS IN MY SEAT, I am screaming to the top of my lungs in complete hysteria. No she’s not, no she’s not you are hallucinating, he says nervously! What?! I grab his hand and put it behind me, and she grabs his finger.  The unbeliever is now the believer, with eyes as big as saucers, he begins his chant; OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! What are we going to do? There is always a highway patrol officer on 170, get on the highway and punch it.

 Minutes later we are pulled over. The patrol car pulls up behind us, with its bright lights shining through our car. I’m still propped up over the arm rest, because my newborn now occupies my seat.  Looking through the rear view mirror, I see the officer approaching the passenger side window with his hand on his holster.  I realize that all he can see is our shadows and with my husband waving his hands outside the window in surrender and me leaning over the arm rest like I have him hostage, I realize this is not a good look. Carefully approaching the window the officer says,” What going on?” Totally in shock, words escape my husband lips and all he could do was point down towards my seat.  In true female fashion, I had to have the baby and answer the questions too; Officer I am sorry, but I just had my baby in the car and we were trying to get some help.  The officer looks at my daughter in the back, and then inside the car in my seat, with eyes as big as my husbands he jumps back and screams GO, GO, GO!  My husband punches the gas and takes off down highway 170; the officer, obviously still in shock, is racing down the highway as well, but behind us.

 What started as a birth in the car has now turned into a high speed chase. I guess a light bulb, went off in the officer’s head, because he whipped in front of us, with his lights flashing and sirens blaring and we were off.  Within minutes we were at the hospital, my little baby still lying in the seat, still quiet and wide awake but her little lips have started to quiver. I’m not able to pick her up, because of the awkward positioning, so I continue to stroke her to let her know I am still here.

Pulling up in St. Mary’s Emergency parking lot was like a scene from the show E.R. There were doctors running from every possible area of the hospital. Nurses were bursting through the doors, jumping over bushes, hopping out of the back of ambulances. What in the world? The head Pediatrician rushes to my door and snatches it open, “The baby’s breathing?”  Yes, she’s breathing, I replied, I just gave birth in the car.  “Oh, well we got a call that she wasn’t breathing, but okay, we have to warm her up immediately; I’m going to take her now”. Not until you separate us first, there’s a little matter of an umbilical cord. The doctor cut the umbilical cord and rushed her inside. I collapsed in the passenger seat, I just want to sleep. Ma’am can you lift yourself onto the gurney? One of the medical personnel asked.  I took a deep breath and hoisted myself on the gurney; I felt my flip flop drop to the ground, but I couldn’t utter a word for anyone to pick it up. I tried to lie back without letting my head bang against the hard padding, but sleep was quickly overtaking me.  Lying back I look at the ceiling and think, wow, what a day!

Author's Note

I would love to know, what did you think of the piece? If you have any suggestions or feedback? What could make the piece better, if anything? Where any scenes left incomplete?

Reviews

[Faolan]

Good!!