Dancing to Heaven

The old man sat alone

His hair as white as bone

His frame was stricken with age

His life’s story on its final page

 

His hand hung empty and limp by his side

“Oh Elinor!” He cried

“Why did you have to leave me, so long ago?

Oh, how your death hurts me so.”

 

“I miss you when I go to sleep

I miss you when I have appointments to keep

I miss you my darling, my one bright star

I miss you, no matter where you are”

 

He wiped his eyes with well-worn hands

Dreaming of other times and other lands

The radio began to play an old song

And his face suddenly turned into a smile so long

 

He stood up on old creaky knees

Despite all of his nurses decrees

He bowed low

His face all aglow

 

He held up his hands in the correct place

And began to dance alone, with ease and grace

This song was his and his wife’s

Their favorite, throughout their lives

 

As he danced to the sweet melody

His wife came to him as a memory

Her beautiful face laughed as they danced

And she hummed as they pranced

 

Her husband pulled her close

Her hair, as always, smelled like a rose.

“Come home, my love” She whispered in his ear

“Come home with me, my dear.”

 

Pure joy filled the man’s soul

This life had taken its toll

Now, it was time for a new start

To dance eternally with the woman of his heart

 

He gave up the ghost

To live with his eternal host

His only son wept with his own family of seven

But yet, they knew in their hearts that the old man danced straight to heaven.

Author's Note

I'm still trying to figure out exactly where I got the idea for this one; but I think its cute. :)

I really am not the greatest poet; sure, I can rhyme, but I just can't seem to keep the meter consistent. Sorry if it bothers you; if you have certain points on how I can improve on that, I would greatly appreciate it. :)

Let me know what you think of the story as a whole. Does it make sense? Does it go too fast? I love to hear everyone's different opinions!

Enjoy!

Reviews

[Wren]

This is so cute:) I love teh story taht was told within the poetic lines. Some sounded like it didn't click perfectly, but still sounded great. Brilliant!

[~Dragon X]

Hmm. Yo soy never rated this poem? Well, that is about to change! XD
Tip for keeping the meter consistent--count the syllables of the lines that rhyme with each other. I tend to keep the syllable number close to each other or double on of the line's syllables if it's too long, making it sound smoother (at least to me).
Some lines were very lovely though and flawless :D
It makes sense and moves at the right pace :3

[Miss Evans]

I think this was really good, I liked your rhyming scheme and the whole plot of the poem. I think you should check over some of your capitalization... I'm not sure if you are religious or not (I'm assuming so), but in any case "eternal host" should probably be uppercase if it is referring to God (however you spell His name ^_^).

I liked the whole thing, really. It was sweet, and light.

Well done.

[The XYZ Writer]

Everything rhymed and you made a story out of a poem! Some of it sounded forced, but it was truly beautiful! :)

[The XYZ Writer]

You made everything rhyme and yet wrote a story while making a poem! Really amazing writer. Some of it sounded forced, but really it was beautiful! Such a stunning poem!

[Mary C]

I wonder. How does one "dance to heaven"?? A very nice story. I'm not too taken by the rhyme scheme, to be honest.

[Amanda Lee/ Isolated Dr..]

This poem broke my heart
It may not have been perfect in meter or lineation; but the heart was all there.
Try not to force it so much; read it out loud; if it sounds stumbly or awkward out loud, it does to the reader.
When you're done you can actually see the physical form the poem takes: (look @ the way the stanzas move in and out and stretch and shrink) This might help with consistent meter. :)
Please don't take any of these comments to be annoying. I'd really like to help because I can feel that your feeling is really there; just needs a little trimming. :)

[JRB]

thoughts running wild, nice write

[Ami N.]

Lovely, remarkable piece. I loved the consistent rhyme scheme throughout and the whole idea for the poem was so sweet. As always, your poetic technique and smooth flow of this piece was just amazing.
Love it :)

[~ Stefanie ~]

You definitely don't have anything to worry about when you say you don't think you are the greatest poet. i think this was excellent and you definitely have a talent with writing poems. You displayed your character perfectly and I loved the imagery in the piece. You don't need to worry about the consistency of the meter because these are words from your heart and that is what poetry is (at least that is what it is to me) I loved this piece! Thank you for sharing!