Sanyogita

Story of a young woman navigating through life and loss.

“Come on Neil, get up” she tried to wake her nine year old boy up. “Honey, if you don’t get up now, I’ll have to call dad.” Before she could open her mouth to say the next words, Neil sat up on the bed and spoke in broken speech, “I’m awake, maa.” She smiled, patted him on his back and told him to hurry up.

Downstairs, David was preparing his Saturday breakfast, French toast and eggs. They lived in a cottage in the suburbs of London. Dr. David Adler was an excellent psychiatrist with a stable practice. Sanyogita Kumar was a copywriter in an advertising firm. They had a son, Neil Raman Vishal Adler.

As Neil hurried downstairs, his eyes fell upon the photograph that had captivated him all his life. It was a  picture of a man holding a three year old girl in his arms, grinning ear to ear. Her face always appealed to him. She was vaguely familiar, he’d think. He enquired his parents about this photograph on numerous occasions. All they told him was that he was a significant man in their lives. Neil had always been a curious child. 

As he reached the dinner table, seated in his chair could see Benji, their dog lurking from beneath for food. Sanyogita put Benji’s food in his bowl and he left for his first meal. They could hear, ‘It’s a beautiful day’ playing on David’s speakers. It was indeed a beautiful day, Sanyogita thought. It was a cheerful morning, with sunlight reaching their carpet on the floor from whatever creak it would find. The windows exhibited the sunlight with pride.

They spoke about different subjects, their work, Neil’s upcoming scholastic book fair and recommended books for it. Although he was a child, his parents always listened intently to everything he spoke.  He admired his parents and loved their weekends together. During the last bite of his poached eggs, he said to his parents, “Please tell me about the significant man, maa and dad.”

David looked from Neil to Sanyogita and could sense the hesitation in her eyes. He turned to his son and said, “I am afraid; son, you will have to wait a year to listen to this story. But I can tell you that he is a brown man.” David smiled serenely.  

“Yes daddy, I can see it in the picture and I can’t wait to know more.” Neil winked. He hardly answered back to his parents. “Maa let us have daal-rice for dinner tonight.”he smiled. 

Neil went out to play with his friends, leaving behind David and Sanyogita. He said, “Honey, don’t you worry about it. Neil will understand when the time comes. You have raised him well.”

Sanyogita, now in his embrace said, “Maybe we should take down the picture.” David knew her. He knew how important it was for her to let their son know about their lives. “It will be alright, Sanny. Neil must know about us before someone else tells him any nonsense.  And if you want I will stay at home and skip golf today.” He said.  “Oh! David you go on, I will be well. I might visit Anita today, it has been a long time.” She genuinely meant it. David understood; he kissed her forehead and later left the house with his kit.

Sanyogita went on to do the dishes, cleaned the cook top, even mopped the floor. Soon she was running out of tasks to keep her occupied from reminiscing.  She went upstairs passing the photograph she had not dared to look at ever since she put it up. It was now sixteen years behind on her timeline. Sixteen years that went by like sixteen seconds.Today, she was not 40, not 38 but 39. She was still clinging to her thirties for one more year.She was stuck at 39.

She never imagined that the memory of when she married Raman Sehgal, would fade slowly as she grew older, which perhaps was the happiest day of her life then. But she never forgot how it felt. Sanyogita and Raman met in college and married each other a year after their graduation. Raman was a kind, optimistic and charming man. Despite their differences, they understood each other. They were ardently in love. They settled in New Delhi, and were successful professionals. They lived a fairytale life, their friends would say. One year into the marriage, they had a beautiful daughter, Mira. He was glowing the day she was born. Sanyogita never saw her husband luminous. The moment he saw his daughter, he said, “God wants me to be surrounded by gorgeous women eternally. She looks exactly like you, Sanyu.”

Sanyogita’s career prospered and Raman was promoted, their child was growing. They decided to move into a bigger house, to have another child, to raise them. It was perfect until it lasted. 

As per their routine, Raman and Sanyogita left for work, leaving behind Mira and Raman’s mother. Three hours later they had a phone call that destroyed their very existence, the couple and their lives.They hurried back to their house, to see a crumbling framework of it collapsing into ashes. There had been a fire. The two bodies of alternate generations seemingly sleeping soundly next to each other. Their exuberant family was destroyed in a day or perhaps in the moment the house caught fire. Raman fell onto his knees at the sight. Two most important women in his life lay dead in front of him. A vehemence of emptiness started swirling in his stomach. It was this precise moment he was dead inside. 

Sanyogita’s brother, Vishal and his wife Anita flew in from London. They were their only family alive. Sanyogita and Vishal lost their parents growing up.

For a week, Sanyogita and Raman could not speak to each other. They were speechless. Their faces were a sight of the land which lost its fertility after the war. They slept in each other’s arms at night, but they lay awake next to each other still unable to form sentences, words even. Five days went on, Anita insisted on Raman and Sanyogita to get fresh air. But they both denied. Finally, Sanyogita agreed to take a walk in the park with Anita. Meanwhile Raman got a call from the fireman stating that the fire was caused by the gas stove left on. And that is when it struck him as lightning that the last person to use the stove was Raman himself. He must have left the switch on. He was shattered. It was his fault. He was responsible for it. The guilt rose in his body. His optimistic mind gave up. He went numb.

Sanyogita came back to find her husband hanging from the ceiling fan, with a note in his hand that said, “I am sorry Sanyogita but I have to see my mother and Mira.”  

She collapsed and woke up a month later on a hospital bed in London. She had no recollection of what happened in the past month. She wished she had no recollection of her life. She suffered a miscarriage although she was unaware of her pregnanacy. She thought of it as losing something she never had. Sanyogita went from a prolific writer to being wordless. The only time she was at ease was when she spent time with Anya, her six year old niece. Sanyogita felt warm in Anya’s presence, like a long lost child at the fair, finds its mother back.  She smiled for her; otherwise she kept staring into nothingness outside the window. She saw Vishal and Anita’s efforts, she wanted to repay them; hence she didn’t kill herself.  She agreed for therapy sessions with Dr David Adler, who was Vishal’s college roommate before they opted for different majors. Although Sanyogita and David  never met, they heard numerous stories about each other from Vishal. It didn't feel strange when they finally met.

 David decided to treat her as a friend not much as a patient. And it was important for Sanyogita to speak first, David thought to examine how much she was willing to open up. Their first six sessions went on without any words, sharing comfortable silences and uncomfortable stares at the ceramics in his office. On the seventh session, the first time in almost six months since the accident, Sanyogita noticed something. She saw the picture of Emilia, David’s wife behind his chair. She had heard about her from Vishal. She was sorry then and she was sorry about it now. Sanyogita willingly spoke, “I am so sorry David about your wife.” Her grimaced face looked up at him. It was then David realized her to be a recoverable case. David smiled calmly and said, “And I am sorry for your loss Sanyogita.” Sanyogita looked in his eyes to find a sentiment that she resonated. His face looked like a rejuvenating habitat. “David can you tell me what happened to Emilia?” she asked hesitantly.She wanted to look above her own grief.

 To which he replied, “Yes certainly.” He began, “Emilia and I married each other some seven years ago and we wanted to start a family, for two years we could not conceive and we began treatment. At last, she was pregnant, she had swollen feet through it all, it was all good,” his face tried to construct a smile, “ It was the day I thought I will take my daughter and her mother back home with me, but alas, our daughter was born dead and my wife died on the birthing table while delivering her.” A small tear emerged in his left eye. “I felt that my life was over until Vishal convinced me to move on and stay strong. Our wives were both pregnant at the same time. He named me Anya’s godfather and gave me a motive to live.”  He genuinely smiled and was reciprocated with one.

A few sessions later, David and Sanyogita bonded over Anya and their losses.It was their pain that brought them closer. They were comfortable with each other. Their empathetic relation grew into a beautiful friendship of dependency, trust and respect. Vishal and Anita were satisfied to see their two closest people content after what felt like a lifetime.Six months of sessions turned into dates and dinners, they finally made love one night, the night that was the death anniversary of Emilia and his daughter. It was a necessity, it was the grief that made them the people they were, their lives went downhill in a day.

 The moment Sanyogita realized she was pregnant with David’s child, she thought she betrayed Raman’s memory, she wanted to have a kid. Her womb lost two of its children, one whom she loved the most, one is miserably failed to know. But she decided to name her child after Raman and tell it about them all, Mira, Raman and  Emilia. When David found out about her pregnancy he was more thrilled than he was in the last six years. But the visions of his dead wife on the birthing table and his daughter appeared as nightmares in his sleep again.

David was determined to set things right first, so when she told him he asked her to marry him. She was not in love with David, nor was he. So instead she said, “As flattering as it sounds David, we don’t love each other. And to think about investing in matrimony after all we have been through, to marry someone and think it will last forever seems like a hoax to me. But I want this kid to have both his parents around, so let’s move in together.” David could not  have agreed more. They spent her pregnancy at David’s house. Anya was excited to have a cousin. The day of the delivery was when they confessed that they loved each other. David was the first one to open up about his feelings. He could not bear the thought of two dead bodies again and not the woman he loved more than he anticipated. Sanyogita accepted her sentiments as well.  David was relieved to see both his love and their son alive and in health.  Sanyogita felt Raman’s apparition looking down at her smiling with Mira in his arms.  So she named her son, Neil Raman Vishal Adler.

And there was no looking back. They shifted to suburbs to raise Neil. They were happier than they could’ve imagined a few years ago. Vishal and Anita had a son later that year. They were a close knit family. Nine years passed by smoothly. Neil was a blessing after the war, they said. The war they fought, lost and still fighting to win. 

In her bedroom, she sat with the result in her hand. She was eagerly waiting for David to come home. She went downstairs and stopped to look at Raman’s photograph and spoke, “It's been a long time, Raman. And it is time I let you go. I have always loved you”. It seemed as if Raman smiled at her back from the picture. And just like that Raman’s apparition left her smiling and cheering for her, she thought. She could hear him say, “ You've been brave, my dear. You did good Sanyu. You turned out fine.”

David came home to see Sanyogita sitting on the couch, she moved closer to him, hugged him tight and said, “I am pregnant David, let’s get married. It is silly but as long as we both live I want to be your wife. And I think this time our daughters might find our home again.” 

David agreed wholeheartedly.

Author's Note

Please help me evolve :)