Behind Closed Doors

I

I watched
As the shower water
Turned to blood.
I contributed.
Scratched, cut, clawed,
Bled and bled and bled
Until the walls were red.
I wanted to die.
I was ready to collapse.
Let my life end.
I was 16.

II
I picked up the bottle
I was hesitant;
Sobbing.
I felt like there was no option �"
I had to end my life.
For everyone.
I poured the pills into my hand,
Swallowed them one by one
Until my hand was empty.
And then I went to bed.
Hoped to never wake up �"
Even as my tears deceived me.
I was 17.

III
Vision not even blurry,
Limbs nowhere near weak enough,
Mind heavy with self-hate �"

IV
Eyes groggy,
Mind empty,
Heart heavy.
Oblivious �"

V
The water shuts off
I lean against the wall
Blood blends,
Washes down the drain;
Empty.

VI
The alarm is buzzing,
Reaching blindly,
Tired and weak
And �"
Oh.

VII
The blood stops running,
Stops escaping life.
The cuts sting,
Mind is wandering.
Still alive.

VIII
The bottle is on the bedside.
Taunting.
Blinking �"
Realization.
Still alive.

IX
Getting dressed carefully,
Eyes are dry,
Mind is numb.
Legs are sore.
Still alive.
Failure in death,
It’s a reminder �" heavy,
Of the failure in life.

X
Sitting up.
Numb again.
Still alive.
Why?
Why is death as hard as life?

XI
Broken.

XII
Lost.

XIII
And through it all,
The only evidence is
A small stain
On the shower wall.
And an empty pill bottle
On the bedside table.

XIV
Nobody knows
The scars and the pain �"
Just a stomach ache and
Memories etched into skin remain.