The Mistake Came (In the Form of a Question)

It feels like it should be

Called infatuation.

But my mind tells me,

No, dear, it’s love.

And I don’t know what to think

Because the internet says

One completely reasonable thing

But then my brain whacks around

Inside my head

And mutters something along the lines of

You’re in love, idiot,

Deal with it.

And its disturbing

Because I can’t tell the difference.

They say you find them perfect

If its infatuation

But if its love

You know they’re not

And it’s okay.

But,

They’re kind of the same.

Because he’s a f*****g idiot,

And thats a flaw.

But he’s also smart,

And that’s not perfect,

But its pretty good.

He’s also kind of an a*****e,

But I can live with it,

Because, obviously I’m also

A bit of a dick.

It goes hand in hand, really.

But his imperfections,

And this is where it gets confusing,

They’re kind of perfect.

They fit him.

His personality is so far out there,

I’m also almost convinced that he

Comes from planet Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Because that’s what my mind screams

Every time he come near me.

AHHHHHHHHHHH

Which, by my completely,

One hundred percent sane logic,

That can’t be human.

Or natural.

The fact that he wipes my mind.

And I’m left standing there thinking;

Say something you stupid brain,

Because if its love,

You f*****g idiot,

You’d be able to speak to him.

But no, my brain,

Much like the internet,

Doesn't really know what it is.

Convinced beyond change,

That yeah, I’m totally in love

With this ridiculous man.

But if I were - 

Wouldn't I say he’s imperfect?

But that it’s okay.

It’s okay that he’s strange.

It’s okay that he’s an a*****e.

It’s fine, that half the time,

He makes me furious.

And that when he looks at me

He.

Erases.

My.

Mind.

And that has to be infatuation,

Right?

It can’t be love.

Despite seeing those flaws,

Despite loving every one of them.

How is it love?

When he’s an alien,

And I’m from the ocean.

We’re so different,

We’re on completely separate planes.

It’s like if you 

Took Barbie and Ken

And mashed them together - 

Nothing would happen;

Despite the similarities.

Its kind of what happens with us.

Because whoa, wow there he is,

And he’s - 

Oh my god he’s looking at me - 

But 

Now what?

That can’t be love.

That uncomfortable awkwardness.

The painful heart drop.

The urge to go anywhere he isn’t - 

Begging with fate, or karma

Or whatever controlling forces there are

That he

Wont

Be there.

And then f*****g cursing those a******s out

When, yep, there he is.

Because god damnit

What did I do to deserve this s**t? 

What did I do to deserve him?

That’s the question, though,

Isn't it? 

Because it doesn’t really matter - 

If its infatuation

Or if it’s love - 

Yes, brain, I know what you think,

Shut the f**k up - 

It doesn’t really change the facts.

He’s here. In my life.

And these feelings I have,

Much like my distaste for 

Omniscient forces that have controlling factors

In my life,

He’s not going away.

So why do I 

Keep debating this?

It feels like it should be infatuation,

Even with my brain screaming from the sidelines, 

YOU FOR SURE LOVE HIM,

It feels like it should be called

Infatuation.

But then there he is,

And it doesn’t have a name,

Except his.

Or, if it’s a particularly snippy day,

A*****e works, too. 

Or maybe,

And this is a strong maybe,

Because this is not me admitting this;

Maybe 

I don’t want to give it a name.

Because 

I might be afraid

That it might be something else entirely.

Something more along the lines of

Heartbreak. 

But hey, what do I know?

Im the girl who talks to herself

And curses the skies,

And begs invisible beings to make

A guy disappear.

F**k,

When did my life get so 

F*****g complicated?

Oh, right.

When I started asking

This stupid f*****g question.

Author's Note

I'm lacking people in my life who can give me a straight forward and honest opinion, so that's what I'm looking for. I know there are some grammatical errors, I'm working on them, I'm really looking for overall opinion as well as constructive criticism.