Chapter Fourteen ~ Life Goes On...

When you're preoccupied, time moves a lot faster than you realise, and a s**t load can happen in a single month - I was a living testament to that, for sure. But in comparison, the next two months that followed my climactic change of heart in the hospital were the complete polar opposite to the one I'd just come out of. It was good to be able to catch my breath, and go about life without worrying what waited for me around every corner. Everything slowed down, as did I.

Now that I'd returned back home, I felt my whole being come to rest over the weeks of being here. I was able to take the time that I desperately wanted and needed to settle in and recharge my energy, giving myself a real break. It felt healthy being home too, being able to spread my roots in a familiar environment was something I didn't realise how much I needed till I had it back. I think mum enjoyed having me back under her roof more than she lead on too, someone to cook for and come home too was giving her a real drive to make the most of the time she had off of work - taking it upon herself to organise and book all of my maternity appointments and midwife despite my constant reminders that I was more than capable.

I'd had two midwife appointments and gotten nothing more out of them than the clarification that the baby seemed fine and that I was in good health from a medical standpoint. Plus a gift basket that came with a single nappy and some cheap looking moisturiser and hand creams. My midwife herself was an older woman who was nice enough, but you could tell she'd been doing it for many years and seemed eager to get every appointment over with - maybe so she could make her way towards retirement. Mum usually always came along, and asked twice as many questions as necessary as if she were the one having the baby - which bothered me a tiny bit, but not as much as the midwife; who was a master of the death glare.

As for all of my other appointments, I'd managed to go alone. They were all based at the Raumu Health Clinic and were usually during the hours Mum was at work. I'd seen Hayleigh there again, and she made it more than clear she didn't want to acknowledge my presence in a place like this - even though I already knew she was pregnant. But regardless as to why she was there, I wasn't there to worry about her. I was there for Carmen, who was more than surprised to find me waiting to see her again. She was initially concerned with what happened at the hospital, wanting to take further action, but eventually was satisfied enough with my current state of being and mind to let me go about my business without ringing any alarm bells. She'd given me her details as a medical referee and also her personal number, and told me she’d be my doctor for the remainder of my pregnancy, and to contact her if I wanted to know anything. Of course mum demanded to know everything about her qualifications and experience before I committed to her, but I'd grown to like Carmen after all she'd done for me, so my mind was made. Mum had to accept that.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all of mums help and reminded myself regularly that this was how she showed that she cared - even if she still had to have a few claws in a portion of what was going on. But she was learning slowly that I was more than able to think about and make my own life choices now - even when it came to school. It took her a few weeks, but after she’d tried very hard to coerce me into considering part time study or even at-home-correspondence, she gave up. None of them spoke to me, and I'd set my heart on something different. I think I was well and truly over school…

Yep, I'd become a pregnant drop out - the cliché I always feared. I'd seriously considered about going back and finishing my final year, I really had. There were opportunities there for me, though I was getting used to the idea of this whole mother situation, and was finding it easier to accept that I was indeed, going to have a baby - School was just a whole other facet I know I couldn't juggle. How badly would I stand out with a big pregnant belly around the schoolyard anyways? Ridiculously; And it wouldn't just be the students that would look at me strange; teachers, parents and anyone else in the vicinity wouldn't be able to resist giving me and my basket-ball belly the side-eye when I walked past - that was something I didn't want or need.

School might’ve always been a safe haven for me in the past - a place where I could go that I knew I'd succeed with flying colours and understand exactly what was being put in front of me, but now there was nothing that captivated me enough to stick it out. I had the realisation that it didn't actually feed me new knowledge or teach me new things, only had me regurgitate information I already knew and allowed the inflation my ego by telling me I was the brightest and most mentally-able student in my year group. I was supposed to be a student, not the teachers well-groomed show pony, and though I'd always enjoyed being a straight-A achiever, why else would I go back? To please the teachers? My mum? No. Not when there were bigger things I had to focus my attention on. This whole previous experience had taught me rather quickly that there is so much more to life than grades and attendance stats - none of it means anything when you're dead, so make the most of the time you have and do what you think is best for you.

Of course, this change of heart did put me in a rather awkward financial boat, and it didn't take me long to spend the rest of my savings and to realise that I needed money - in order to get money in my situation, I’d have to work for it. But who would take a pregnant teenager on? It was as hard as it sounded, and after two months of searching I was still handing out CV’s and waiting for phone calls I never received. But I was persistent, and there was plenty of places in Raumu that could be looking for work as small as the town seems, it just depends where you look, and who you know.

I'd had very little contact with Valerie over the two months as well; I made an effort to regularly send her a message every other day, but she wasn't the most reliable when it came to cell phone use - or that was just one of her excuses, like being too busy with her plants to respond. But I knew what was bothering her; a few days after the hospital appointment id gone to see her to deliver the message of grandparenthood. Needless to say, I don't think it was taken very well.

If both my mum and Valerie were put on a scale, they'd be as far apart from one another as possible. Where my mother helicopters over you and tries to do everything she can and more to help, Valerie is the complete opposite; vanishing from existence to hide away, think and process. I can't really blame her though - she’d experienced her son’s death and then learnt he has an unborn child on the way. That'd be enough to make anyone hide from life just to think clearly, and she was a bit of an expert at keeping to herself.

But I was still going to continue to try - Sending texts and occasionally visiting. She was someone in my life who was going to be a part of me forever now, even if I didn't see her as often. She may be busy with her plants and the hospital, and not to sound like a pretentious twat but it was my help that allowed her get to that position debt-free, so she has no reason to be rude, not to me. Whether or not she liked the title, she was going to be a grandmother.

But like Valerie, I'd hardly seen much of Juniper over this time either. Out of Zeb, Juniper and I, she was the only one who had decided to go back to school and complete her final year.

Inundated with school work within the first week, she’d been spending all of her time brushing up on notes or reading or just trying to retain as much information as possible. She’d done well in school so far, but she wanted to do better. And now was her opportunity to rise to the top since I'm no longer there. I would try to help her with her work as much as I possibly could, but between the two of us we could generally only see one another on the odd afternoon, and for a few hours at that. Most of our friendship had temporarily been resorted to texting and the odd phone calls just so we could keep in touch.

She had some other commitments too - the family cat Tourmaline (who they figured out was a boy) was like a young child in the sense there always had to be someone at home to keep an eye on him and keep him safe, mainly as Rose had ventured off on a spontaneous adventure in Thailand for a month, requiring Juniper and Rain to be on 24/7 house-duty until she got back.

I'd offered a few of my free days and spent them at Amber Grove, kitten-sitting. Rain and Juniper’s schedules would often clash, so an extra person made all the difference. I didn't mind it, it was like my home away from home, and I'd do anything for my best friend, even if it meant looking after her cat so she could study for tests or essays or just wanted to go out with her boy “friend”…

Juniper and Carzel were still spending a lot of time together, and from her demeanour and the way she speaks so highly of him, he still hadn't told her the truth about Hayleigh, or even given Juniper any inclination as to where they were going - and it was starting to piss me off.

I don't think it would have bothered me so much if I hadn't seen Hayleigh multiple times at the clinic. If Carzel still hadn't told Juniper anything then it gave me more of a reason to think there really was something still happening that he was trying to keep from her. And if I'd seen Hayleigh numerous times, she may not have been getting an abortion. She could be keeping it? If so, there was a huge lie that he was sitting on top of, and he was dragging Juniper into it. I've fought over these two months whether to say anything or not, but having hardly seen Juniper I haven't had much of a chance to do so. I still didn't want to tip her over the edge anyways, she had enough on her plate - and I knew what that felt like. Besides, she seemed as happy as normal, as Juniper always was. I wasn't going to ruin that for no reason. Not now.

Not seeing my best friend as frequently meant that I had so much more spare time between applying for jobs and my appointments, and where I lacked in quality-Juniper time I was making up for with quality-Zeb time. The two of us had almost joined at the hip having both dropped outta school, I think in some ways we were keeping each other from going insane as we both tried to find something to fill our days with. But where I was becoming frustrated not being able to land a job, Zeb was stubbornly refusing to give up - one of his best traits.

He'd been staying off and on with me and mum back at home, as things with his own family were still less than ideal. He’d spent the occasional few nights back with them until things either became uncomfortable or violent for him and he was forced to stay elsewhere. It was so hard to watch from the side-lines, knowing all I could do to help him was offer a place to stay. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have your family think who you are as a person is disgusting, and having to live with that every day would take its toll on anyone. But Zeb was holding it together much better than I thought, and I constantly reminded him that we loved him for who he was - which he'd usually respond with an eye-roll or something sassy - which was always a good sign with Zeb.

It was both a good thing and a bad thing that both Zeb and I were job hunting in the same town though - on the good side, we could let each other know about other jobs going or recommend one another in the right place. The bad side to it was that we were competing against one another for a position anywhere that was hiring, and though we hadn't found anything it was only a matter of time until one of us was chosen and the other was left to do it alone. It was becoming a bit tedious, and if I didn't find something soon, I was going to have to resort to selling as much of my belongings as possible, just so I could have enough to get me through this pregnancy.

It was moments of thought like this that made me wish I could talk to Luke. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him, or dream about him, he was like my greater force that was always around me, and though it was a nice way of thinking of him now, I still couldn't help but imagine how nice it would be to talk face to face. Even if it was just how my day was, or what I was planning on doing tomorrow, little things that almost mean nothing other than to carry a conversation. I still spoke to him in my head every day, each time I put my rose Quartz around my neck. It had become my routine, and I was used to it.

By the time April came around the whole town and those affected the most had dealt and accepted Luke’s death. It was still common knowledge, and many whispers and rumours broke out about the true series of events, but it didn't take long to die down once everyone realised that conflicting stories meant inaccuracy. The topic of Luke Hartley’s death slowly faded away, and I was able to go out and about without someone whispering and pointing at me (“that was Luke's girlfriend!”)

To say the least, it was a very eventful month for Raumu. Once everything had settled and everyone had gone back to worrying about their own lives, the town proceeded to move onwards and upwards, and allowed the past to become the past.

Life goes on…