Glass Between Us

Reviews

[Relic]

Long distance love is the hardest thing to come to terms with. The chasm that prohibits the feel of their hand and the warmth of their lips can be unbearable.

As far as suggestions, I would "suggest" you make sure your sentences are in the past tense rather than the present tense. For example, I stood there helplessly and all that was between us was a sheet of glass. You turned away from my driveway as tears formed in my eyes.

Good poem.

[Amanda Trerotola]

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback.

[Relic]

You're welcome.

[Amanda Trerotola]

I will make the edits. :)

[Relic]

Okay, sounds good. :)

[Amanda Trerotola]

Any suggestions for writing the ending in past tense?

[Relic]

I don't think it needs it. After the line "Drops of water escaped my eyes"...it sounds fine to me. :)

[Amanda Trerotola]

Alright, thank you! I just feel like it needs something. I guess I was wrong. Sometimes we can be our biggest critic. Haha!

[Relic]

I'll try reading it over a few more times to make sure.

[Amanda Trerotola]

Thank you!

[Relic]

Here's how I hear it.


I stood there helplessly and all that was between us was a sheet of glass. You turned away from my driveway as tears formed in my eyes. I gasped for air from within. You waved goodbye from your window. Before we knew it, we were in the bubble of long distance again. My lips trembled and my chest tightened as I fell to the cold concrete floor. Drops of water escaped my eyes, pouring out my love for you. Oh, how lucky I was to have a love that made saying goodbye so hard.
-Until, next time, I'll be waiting for "Hello."

[Amanda Trerotola]

Oh my gosh... That sounds beautiful and perfect!

[Relic]

Good. Glad I could help. You write well to begin with. :)

[Amanda Trerotola]

Aw thank you! Also, this is totally random but I don't want it to come off that it is a poem about someone leaving me as in breaking up since we are still together.

[Relic]

I never got that vibe from it. I just saw it as having to be far apart from someone you love.

[Amanda Trerotola]

That is exactly what I was feeling. Thank you. I fixed it.

[Chris]

It's a Windows world...

"I stood there helplessly and that lied between us" - that lied - what lay?

[Amanda Trerotola]

The door. :) Any suggestion how I can fix this?

[Chris]

I suggested replacing "that lied" with "what lay"
- as for door or computer screen or window glass - THAT - will remain your choice as the author.

[Amanda Trerotola]

Thank you!

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

I stood there helpless. All that lie between us was a sheet of glass. might sound a bit more cohesive...but what do I know? I am an untrained writer. The emotion here is great...so hard to let someone go for even a moment when all your moments seem filled with the want of them. Good stuff!

[Amanda Trerotola]

Thank you for your honest review!

Welcome to my page! :)

[sette]

saying goodbye will always be hard but more difficult if to stay there are things that we have to give up or sometimes sacrifice in the name of love

[Amanda Trerotola]

Is this a suggestion to add? I totally agree with you.