Audible

A Story by Atominizer

Inner personal shadow of myself has urges, the creativity that allows myself to express comes from a deep darkness. The attempt to hide this part of self, is of fight. The creativity has consequences of shame, thoughts in loneliness, a prisoned torment. Art over the years became the escape into chaos, self crash, moment to express, release, and inner self adjustments. The act of exploration into the depth of darkness. Knowingly understand this mental state in being, become embarrassing. The need to let this urge of energy release in a unconscious maintenance of self control, humility, compassion or the self becomes destructive and unbalanced.

I want to talk about this with my love, partner and be free of felt angst or the feelings of hiding a self. The struggle and the fear of rejection prevents this will. Fear she will not understand or find this knowledge about the creativity urges as a flawed and hostile. Truly love Amani and transparency of letting her see this dark side of my creativity. The personal view on my art to the public is revered, complimented in greatness. The hidden ability of creating my art is darkness. Purity in raw emotional urges that in the past observed have been met with conflict or intense judgements to my character leaving myself hurt and painful.

Completely understand and know that this feeling and or thoughts are obscure, easily viewed as non rational. The humans do not understand the life existed in the past that made this part of myself nor comprehend. Years and years it has taken myself to even comprehend this realization. At an early age, growing up as a very young child, I was deaf and with an inability to hear. This created myself to become hyper focused to body language. The body language was of abuse, aggression, yelling and negativity as a new born and years following. This developmental years created who CCR- is as a human. When the doctors and years of ear canal surgeries, testing, appointments have passed the time. Eventually my hearing was corrected. At seven years old, when discovering speech and the ability to recognize audible communication, was a incredible terrifying moment as a child. I had to learn english, language, how people used words to hurt, words to express feelings. I only knew humans from observed body language, how they have eye contact, use their presence physically to express. Years it has taken in understanding my fathers interactions with my mother, learning what observed was in anger. Observing my mother cry and become distant with physical expressions. This deep engraved communication effected myself for years, drove a human existential darkness.

Spent 10 years in speech therapy, felt like a outsider, learning speech at a older age created my mind to think or comprehend by body language as the dominant arguments in human interactions. This created a studder while peaking that was prominent until my late 20's and the comfort of controlling the inner thoughts with pauses. I learned to take my studder inward, delay my speech. As a child you learn to read lips, body, and observations to predict communication. Forced a incredible self awareness, Learned the purely from a hostile childhood. When I regained my hearing, To this day when people yell or have high pitch yelling or the distractions form multiple intense conversations. I get a loud high pitch noise that is constant. Like tendinitis. In elementary and middle school, spent most of thew time reading, chess club, robotics, and courses that required limited human verbal interactions. The seclusion was a coping self comfort to maintain structure. When forced to learn hard life humanity dilemmas, the pain, the worse of life before 8 years old made a reality to exist, adapt and live.

I have became comfortable with this disability recently. Eye contact is very important. I am very heighten to finishing someones conversation with myself and the ability to think moves ahead from years of having to only train myself for a necessity to exist. Humans from birth develop audible stimulants while audible is not natural to myself. Audible is learned and a second language.

This past has taught strength, hardness, and exhaustion. While this was my life and is this existence. I want to love, be free and share this experience. I know others are forged in this reality. Art is my release, the world that is completely truly what I create and own. The art created was not trained, instructed, or of a told idea. Completely solely from the soul.

Failure, Success will not be tolerated, Worked entirely painfully adapting for weakness.