Fear of Self

Inner Fear to Love.

Leaping as a man in a solitude state of self-existence onward to a new life dimension of one always had a stain for inward avoidance. The attempt to date a woman who has children already and an established family, spawns of her creations. She is in solitude as well, raising children by herself and making the best of giving her children the very best childhood. I have many fears, timid thoughts, feelings of flight, unknown and scared. Simply scared. Love of this women has always been deep since we first met. She was a hostess many years ago at a restaurant on a river bar. Ashley was young and at the time without children. Something of her eyes have always mesmerized myself. Ashley’s eyes are deep blue, almost gem like with blue dimensions of a deep soul depths. The color is sparkled with a bright engagement one would immediate be engulfed into the trance or herself. Find myself every time together stumble, forget thoughts and simply feel butterflies in one’s stomach and soul. Ashley happened years ago and I never forgot about her, her eyes haunted myself. Continuance of attention even if we have not spoken in a long time. Her deep blue eyes.

Find myself scared, genially shook, mind of sporadic electro currents with thoughts. I, Christopher is going to take the step and be the man to be of effort and learn, understand, sincerely attempt to be with Ashley completely. Work on not second guessing, giving myself a free attempt being myself completely. My fear is of rejection, Being over the top. Unwanted and used as history of my past has presently impacted the very fear of this very action. I have spent years running from this fear. The first time right now I am all in and acting on the inner pit of feeling. I want to spend the rest of my life gazing into her deep emerald eyes, every morning, daily, arguments and find myself tranced in her beauty. Thirty years a feeling has never overcame myself as the present. Scared of this rejection and fear of rejection that I am absent to this very existence. What if she does not feel the same and I over pushed, made everything weird… the age of dating in 2023 is very different. I am not the bad boy of dramatic events but the stable, heart full man of care, respect and genuine love. I do not have these qualities of disrespect, manipulation towards women. The 2023 dating is everything Christopher lacks as a partner. Fear and more Fear. I have one chance, one move to impress and the overwhelming feeling is rippling my soul. F*****g lost.

Furth more, the idea of falling in love with her kids has oneself shook to the core of self. I always wanted children, Love the idea of children. My past has taught myself so much on how to be a great role model. Find myself always with life being the best around children and loved the feeling of being around children.  Have this fear of loving, teaching and the fear of hurt as I experienced. The thoughts from childhood where adults hurt myself, left cold, distant and alone with this idea.

Urges to teach, be great, and be a positive influence is overcoming myself. I know myself is and will be a beautiful parent, loving, and nurturing. Ideas of us together and falling in love with her kids is important while cherished. Loving Ashley is also of loving her children as well. I am ready and open, just fear of rejection from her. One of the most painful childhoods growing up experiences is loving a role model and be stripped from the connection from the very role model and my mother. Rather hurt my soul. As stated, I learned and he made myself who I am to this day but the pain has never left. The very discomfort.

This very action has myself in fear. A very strong part of myself says to run and the bone core of my heart is telling to just be Christopher. No matter what the outcome that happens, Human role models can change humanity. Suppose this comes to an inner argument of ethics. Choose to be complete, love and give myself openly has consequences of dramatic backlash of her ex and his threats. Maybe she needs a tough person to lead, support, and be with her in the situation. I am no coward, built tough guy knowing she is fighting as my mother fought and Randy was fighting along sider her. For myself to back down and give into forwardness could damage and hurt further to two other humans. If randy was not a fighter and support, myself I presume would not be who I am myself all these years later? The choices I make now can affect an incredible number of years on these children.

Always say you grow up like your parents and this is my realization, I am the Randy Knight on how he was to my child self and the influence I can be onto others is more important than myself. He sacrificed, He cared and now at my age I understand the true beauty.

This settles of my inner debate and above bantering. Take the leap into this world. Be the Great, Loving and genuine person I have been avoiding and hiding. Welcome the fear shadows in my darkness. I have so much love that oneself is of hidden.