Won't You Wait

A short story about a youth's complicated life, written from the view point of a broken mind.

The car comes to a halt in front of my apartment building. The whole ride I’ve been gripping the door handle like it’s my life line, though it still didn't save me from the silence. I slowly let go of my trusty plastic support and go to open the car door. “Levi wait!” The voice that has always brought me comfort now threatens to break my fragile composure as it wavers uneasily. “Why did you run out? How come you...” I cut him off.

“You lied to me…” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. I whip around to face him; his eyebrows are knitted up in concern while mine are sure to be scrunched in anger. “I told you I didn’t want to do that!” His hand starts to rise, reaching out to grab mine.

“Levi, but…” I slap his hand away.

“But no! I said I didn’t want to; why would you make me go through something I didn’t want to go through.” I avoid his gaze and turn my body towards the door again. When I look into the window I see my reflection, my cheeks are burning and I can see tears forming. “Not only that...you went behind my back, and our promise…” A reassuring hand comes to rest on my shoulder yet I flinch.

“I promised I would be there for you; the best way to do that, was get you help.”

He retorted. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, “You need the therapy Levi! You’re sick. I didn’t want to force you but you aren’t exactly tractable. I did what I had to do! What you are doing to yourself is detrimental to your own well being; you are going to die if you don’t get help! I don’t want to lose you!” I tear away from his gaze and shove my door open. He tries to reach out to stop me but I’m too fast. His torso is strewn out over the console after being rejected, his hand grasping at nothing on an empty seat. His expression looks dejected, but I feel no sympathy for this traitor.

“Too late.” I whisper, slamming the passenger door. I think I hear him desperately call out to me but I turn my back to the car and walk as calmly as I can to my apartment. I heave my weak limbs up the steps, ignoring the pain I feel in every step I take. When I finally reach the door to my home, my knees are wobbling, threatening to give up on me, my breaths are ragged, and my hands are trembling. I fumble with the key ‘til I hear a click. Mustering all my strength, I push open the door with a hard shove, an action that was formerly so easy.

The inside of my apartment is how it always is, immaculate to the point where the floors would serve perfectly well as plates...if I actually ate. Food, food, the damn thing that got me in this situation; I shouldn’t have told him, I shouldn’t have let him in; I shouldn’t have allowed him to get so close to me. I wouldn’t have, if I had known that he would just betray me. I’m so dumb, how folly of me to think that he would understand, that he would accept me, that he wouldn’t treat me as some invalid. I’m just not worth that; of course, why would someone like me, ever be worth that for anyone.

I stumble down the hall towards the bathroom. Awaiting me there is my beloved scale and mirror, the only two things that tell me the truth. The only ones who see me as the real me, the lethargic, disgusting, pathetic, grotesque, worthless monster that I am. He doesn’t love me, if he had, he wouldn’t have forced me to go to that therapist; my mom doesn’t love me, if she did, she wouldn’t have left me all those years ago; I certainly don’t love me, how could I? So...what’s the point?

Straining on my the tips of my toes, I grasp the cool metal handles of my medicine cabinet. I fling open the cabinet doors and start ransacking its belongings. I can’t find what I’m looking for, almost as if the cabinet was hiding it from me, but I win; I find it. The orange bottle of blue 160 gram OxyContin pills that now resides in my hand stares back at me. Without hesitation, I pop the cap off and it falls to the floor, where it will stay. Tapping the side of the bottle, two pills slide out. I tap again for another, just for good measure.

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

“LEVI! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!” Why is he here? I hear my front door fly open, did I really forget to lock it? I push in the lock on my bathroom door. “Levi? Where are you? Levi? Levi?!” I can hear him, but I don’t respond. My stomach is clenching in on itself, my head is spinning, my vision is blurry from tears…all I can see are the small blue pills in my hand. “LEVI? LEVI, what are you doing, oh my god, LEVI LET ME IN! Levi unlock the door!” I bring my hand up to my mouth at a slow torturous pace, it’s shaking so much I’m afraid I’ll drop my precious saviors. “...please….please don’t…” His voice is barely audible.

“mmm...” A whimper escapes my lips; I cover my mouth as if to take it back.

“Levi? LEVI!” He shouts desperately.

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! He’s trying to break the door down; the hinges quiver under his strength, he’s going to succeed. A particularly loud bang is made and the door slams open. I throw the pills into my mouth, all three of them in one go, and dry swallow hard.

His beautiful ocean-like eyes meet my dead gray ones as the chalk-like tablets scrape their way down my throat.