the witness

i witness a life, the one i’m meant to own,

to belong, to being,

 i watch it like it’s not mine

i walk new york, hi-hat sizzling heat in the sun,

i wish i were free, birds flutter,

wind chime, church bell cluster

i watch them do everything right i got wrong,

a broken trick, lonesome drip,

leaving stains on everything i touch

i pandered to people the moment i heard

the faintest of a discouraging word,

my love for life unrequited

and i’m still fifteen -

in the sense that i didn’t feel it at the time,

but now i’m looking back at that tunnel behind me:

the yellow light reflects on part of my face and i see it

in the rear view mirror, even as i drive

further and further from it, fifteen

i witness a life, the one i’m meant to own,

to belong, to being, 

i watch it like it’s not mine

i’m a burglar in my childhood home,

the child soldiers replaced with drones,

it’s not yours, it’s not yours

Reviews

[W. Barrett Munn]

That stanza really reads nicely now.

[jaye river]

i agree, something about it felt off before and that definitely helped. thank you !

[W. Barrett Munn]

Sure. Look how dense the assonance and consonance now: bird/were/flutTER/clusTER

Sound makes the stanza cohesive

[W. Barrett Munn]

Also ut,ur,us

[W. Barrett Munn]

jaye,

you have a load of talent and this is an exceptional piece. If I could offer one suggestion (as you said you revise a lot) is to replace “was” with “were” in i wish i “was/were” free, birds flutter.
Were is proper to use for a hypothetical and it also gives you a slant with “birds”.

Winston

[jaye river]

thank you so much!

and you're right, thank you for the suggestion. i love a good slant rhyme. when i went to edit this, i also noticed i had written "rear view window", when i meant to say "rear view mirror"

i guess i had alfred hitchcock on my mind hahaha

[W. Barrett Munn]

Yep, Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly watching Perry Mason dispatch his wife.

[Miss Sharon]

What a magical write this is! I enjoyed it from start to finish...and then some. Welcome to the Cafe. I look forward to reading more of your work. ~Sharon

[jaye river]

thank you so much! i'm glad you enjoyed

[Ken e Bujold]

An incredible read. Absolutely one of the finest poems I've been fortunate enough to read while at the cafe.

When I received your friend's invite and came to read a poem, your about me claim to being T.S biggest fan amused me. So young, so young. But then I read this and the influence of Stearns is so obvious. As is the gift, and effort you have been putting in to master this craft.

What really impresses me about your poem (and please believe me, I could wax for ages on this work) is the fact that you have obviously grasped the truth of art from mere writing, How a poem is akin to a poet's cat walking a highwire, forever balanced between the personal and the universal. Your poem speaks to your own reality, but in a way that is readily accessible to every reader who stumbles upon it.

I witness a life, the one I'm meant to own"

May your journey to this grand opening statement be as magical as the one I've traveled.

ken e

[jaye river]

ken, i cant express enough how much this review means to me. poetry is something i have always had a deep respect for as an art form. not only the act of writing, but also the historical context of poems i read, and the many poets and writers i've studied. poetry is something i want to not just participate in, but also honor.

i'm glad to know i can balance between personal and universal experience. sometimes i'm afraid i am too specific with my writing, i can only hope that anyone who reads it can at least get something out of it.

i have quite a long, long poem i might post here eventually - i think the t.s. eliot influence will be very clear in that one, haha.

if you wanted to review any of my other work, i would be grateful. this is my first time sharing my work with others, so any sort of feedback/insight is really helpful to me. of course i will always return the favor.

thanks again for your kind words.

[NormaZ]

Wow, love this poem, I guess we all feel like we’re a stranger in our own life at times. Very nice!

[jaye river]

thank you!