The Lawns - episode 5

The Lawns �" tales from a summer school

by T M ATKINSON

EPISODE FIVE �" THE EXAM FACTOR

(Cut to the main hall. It is set up for the exam with one

student to a table. Verona and Katie are putting papers

on each tables.)

NARRATOR:

Judgement day has finally arrived at Stepan-Briggs. The

students will be taking their final exams today. The results

won't have a massive bearing on their own academic future,

but for Katie and Norman, the pass rate is vital to determine

if their school is a success.

(Cut to a talking head of Katie)

KATIE:

This is the day of reckoning...until the next one. All the students

were up exceptionally early this morning and I've seen a lot of

nervous faces already...and that's just the teachers.

(Camera pans quickly round to show Jack walking in

towards Verona who leaves the papers and starts kissing him)

KATIE:

Its a long and a trying day for the students and then they've

got to wait until tomorrow to the results. We'll know how they've

done about two hours later, but we like to add a touch of drama

to things and let them know the following morning. That's the way

we do things around here...always drama...

(Paper falls on the floor as Verona and Jack continue to

kiss. Katie turns and sees them)

KATIE:

For God's sake can you stop trying to eat each other and get back

to work?!

(Both Jack and Verona stop. Jack leaves and Verona gets back

to work)

KATIE:

Always drama...

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END OF SCENE

(Cut to the staff room. Everyone, except Tom, is in there)

NARRATOR:

In the staff room, all are gathered ready for briefing.

The day will seem very long to the staff and they need

to know precisely what they will be doing.

NORMAN:

Right, good morning everyone. Is everyone fit and healthy?

Everyone is here aren't they Mike?

MIKE:

I don't think Tom's here yet, Norman.

NORMAN:

Christ! Anyone seen him this morning?

MIKE:

Nina, have you seen him?

(Nina looks at Sarah who just shakes her head)

NORMAN:

Of all the days to throw a sickie...

(Tom runs in)

TOM:

Sorry I'm late.

NORMAN:

Never mind lets get on...

(Tom tries to get Sarah's attention. She ignores him)

NORMAN:

Right, it goes like this. Teachers, you will all be invigilating.

All two hours of it and remember, no speaking to the students

and no pointing out answers, no matter how tempting it

might be. When time is up, collect the papers, then dismiss the

students. They get one hour for lunch, then bring them back

in for their speaking exam.

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CARL:

(Whispering to Tom) By the way, in case you're interested,

everything worked last night.

TOM:

I couldn't care less.

CARL:

Five times...he was a stallion...and he cuddled me after.

TOM:

(Shouting) For the love of God, I don't care about your bum sex!

(Stunned silence)

NORMAN:

OK...Jack and David, you have the half of the speaking test and

Tom and Carl, you have the the other half. Maybe you could keep

talk of bum sex until after the exam.

Right that moves me on to tonight and its the dreaded staff talent

show. Now, I'm not going to force any of you to do anything...but

you're all going to do something.

The list is going up during lunch, rehearsals at five, show starts at

eight. Any questions?

(Silence)

NORMAN:

Lets get going then.

(Staff talk to each other. Tom goes up to Sarah who starts

walking away)

TOM:

Sarah, could I talk to you?

SARAH:

There's nothing to talk about.

TOM:

I think there is.

SARAH:

There isn't. We not a couple. You can sleep with whoever you want.

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TOM:

Listen, can we go for a drink later?

SARAH:

Can't. We've got that talent show. I've got to go, I've got work

to do...so do you.

(Sarah leaves. Tom looks down. David comes up behind

Tom with all the other teachers)

DAVID:

Come on Thomas. Lets go invigilate.

CARL:

We are a new breed of superhero �" coming to a cinema

near you, they pace up and down the hall, they seek out

the copying cheaters and hand out spare pencils, they are

the invigilators!

IAN:

Shut up Carl!

(All leave)

END OF SCENE

(Cut to show the students queuing up outside the main hall)

CAMERAMAN:

(To a group of six students) How are you all feeling?

(Students murmur)

STUDENT 1:

A little nervous.

STUDENT 2:

Really scared.

CAMERAMAN:

(To another student) How are you feeling?

STUDENT 3:

I'm fine. This is going to be the easy test I've ever taken!

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CAMERAMAN:

How can you be that confident over your English speaking skills?

STUDENT 3:

Because my father works at the Spanish Embassy in London.

CAMERAMAN:

Oh...you stand a good chance then?

STUDENT 3:

For sure.

(Katie, Verona and the teachers arrive and stand in

front of the students)

KATIE:

Good morning everyone. I do hope everyone had a good night's

sleep and that no-one is scared about this. All we ask is that you do

your best and you will pass easily. OK, in you go quietly and find

your seat...

(The students file in one at a time, followed by the teachers)

CARL:

They pace all around to send cheats down �" The Invigilators.

IAN:

Seriously Carl, shut up!

(All go in and the door shuts)

END OF SCENE

(Cut to the staff room where the activity staff are busy

preparing the staff talent show)

NARRATOR:

Meanwhile in the staff room, the activity staff are busy preparing

the staff talent show �" the one day of the holiday in which they go

the extra mile to give the students the best night possible in

entertainment. Just a few minutes of embarrassment for the staff

provides a lifetime's worth of memories for the students.

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ADAM:

Has anybody seen the ABBA costumes?

ZACK:

I think we keep them in the homosexual closet.

(Adam looks at Zack)

ZACK:

Sorry, its in the back cupboard.

(Nina goes over to talk to Sarah)

NINA:

Sarah, I'm really sorry. Its just sort of slipped out.

SARAH:

(Sarcastically) What did? Tom?

NINA:

No! He was more in and out. I meant because I accidentally told

Mike.

SARAH:

Nina, its fine really. Its not like we're together is it? Anyway,

that's not the reason why I'm annoyed with him.

NINA:

So what is it?

SARAH:

The fact that he thought I would sleep with Mike. The thought

of that makes my skin crawl.

(Mike enters)

MIKE:

Do you know what else crawls Sarah?

SARAH:

Hang on Mike, can I finish this sentence please? Do you know what

else crawls Sarah? I've got to say my penis and something else

that has a form of sexual innuendo because I believe the only

way to get female attention is to act like a total prick. That's my answer!

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MIKE:

(Short pause) No, the answer is a toddler...

(Mike starts pacing around the room)

MIKE:

OK people, where are we with this talent show?

ZACK:

We have some costumes, some decorations and now we need

some talent.

MIKE:

Have you put the big dog down?

ZACK:

The cook's dog isn't ill again is he?

MIKE:

No dumbass! I'm the big dog. Gonna show my moves!

ZACK:

Ha! You have the moves of man with super glue on his feet!

MIKE:

I'll have you know Zack that Len Goodman once said that my

dancing was the best he'd ever seen and that I should turn pro.

What else is happening Nina?

NINA:

We've got Katie, Norman, Zack and Carl performing Mamma Mia.

Marco requested that one. Yourself dancing, we have Ian and

David performing Don't go breaking my heart, Jack and Verona

will be performing a dance to a love ballad and I've put Tom down to

sing as well.

MIKE:

What's he singing? Only the lonely? Can't live without you?

SARAH:

Ha! That's excellent Mike. No, I don't know what he's singing,

but I'll tell you what I'm singing in my intro, two tracks that I've written, the

first one is called Mike Black and the small weaponry and the second

is called Destiny £100 an hour.

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ZACK:

You called Destiny again?

MIKE:

Shut up Zack.

SARAH:

Actually, keep talking Zack.

ZACK:

Destiny is an escort that Mike knows. Whenever he has

a dry spell or needs to make someone jealous, he calls Destiny.

MIKE:

If anyone laughs at that, they do double shifts until the end of

the summer!

(A short silence followed by everyone laughing. Norman

enters)

NORMAN:

What are we all laughing at?

MIKE:

Something that isn't funny and something that will get them

no days off for the next five weeks?

NORMAN:

Oh stop it Mike, you're not Pol Pot. I just need to have

a word with all of you. First of all, I just want to say a massive

well done to everyone here. You've all worked really and

deserve a huge pat on the back and I look forward to a great

staff talent show tonight.

NINA:

It'll be great. You're in the ABBA tribute.

NORMAN:

Make sure I'm Frieda. I've got the legs for it!

Secondly, £100 has gone missing from the petty cash. I'm not

too bothered about it, I just want you to be a tad more careful

when making purchases. Remember the receipt for anything.

I'll let this go, just remember next time. OK?

8

(Norman leaves. Everyone looks at Mike who

realises everyone is looking at him)

MIKE:

What?

NINA:

You never did?

MIKE:

Never did what?

SARAH:

You paid for an escort with company money? Mike,

that's really low, even for you.

MIKE:

Ha! You're talking crap Sarah. Its nothing to do with me.

Now, can you carry on please?

(Mike leaves. Others talk about what just happened)

END OF SCENE

(Cut back to the main hall. The students are working.

The teachers, Katie and Verona are all stood together)

NARRATOR:

The exam is an hour in and the students are working well.

With one hour to go, the teachers have to find a way to kill

time.

KATIE:

(whispering) Only one hour to go.

DAVID:

(whispering) This is the worst part of it. Just clock watching.

CARL:

(whispering) Well, lets have some fun to pass the time.

JACK:

(whispering) What? Me and Verona type fun?

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CARL:

(whispering) Not that type of fun! Just something like go up and

walk behind the student who you think will get the highest

mark.

IAN:

(whispering) OK, well you start.

(Carl nods. He walks, goes up behind a female student,

stops and walks back)

CARL:

(whispering to Ian) Your turn.

IAN:

(whispering) I've got a better idea...Pacman.

CARL:

(whispering) I'm listening...

IAN:

(whispering) You walk in and out of the tables and David

and I have to try and catch you.

CARL:

(whispering) That sounds like fun. I'll start.

(Carl starts weaving in and out of the tables)

IAN:

(whispering to the others) Anyone fancy a quick coffee? Carl

said he's OK for a few minutes.

KATIE:

(whispering) Me and Verona will stay, but you guys go, back in ten.

(Teachers leave. Carl continues to walk in between tables)

KATIE:

(To Verona) I don't even want to know what he's doing!

(Carl continues walking)

END OF SCENE

10

(Cut to Norman and Mike in the office. They are both

on their computers)

(Pause)

NORMAN:

Mike, have you arranged the bus for Saturday to take the

students to the airport?

MIKE:

I've emailed them, just waiting for confirmation.

NORMAN:

Good. Are you busy?

MIKE:

Just watching a You Tube video of Emile Heskey's greatest performance.

NORMAN:

Does such a video exist?

MIKE:

Just footage of him holding balls up waiting for support.

NORMAN:

Mike, about this money...

MIKE:

(looks a bit shocked) What about it?

NORMAN:

What do you think happened to it?

MIKE:

(pause) Well...I think its been a long week and I must have miscounted

when I gave the money to the staff...human error.

NORMAN:

(Smiling) Yeah? I think that as well...

(Mike goes back to computer while Norman looks at

Mike for a bit, then goes back to his computer)

END OF SCENE

11

(Cut to the teachers in the dining hall having a coffee.

All are talking amongst themselves and laughing.

Carl comes up to them very angrily)

CARL:

(Angrily) Well I do hope you all had a good laugh at my

expense!

(Teachers murmur in agreement)

CARL:

(Angrily) I was weaving in and out of those tables for three

minutes before one of the students asked me what I was

doing. I had to whisper “I'm Pacman.”

(Teachers laugh)

CARL:

I sounded like a gay Christian Bale!

IAN:

Carl, I don't think you really understand the rules of Pacman...

you keep going until you're caught.

(Teachers get ready to pounce on Carl)

CARL:

No...

(Teachers pounce on Carl. All laugh and get up and start

walking back)

END OF SCENE

(Cut to show the students walking out of the hall.

Some are texting, on the phone or talking to friends)

NARRATOR:

The final hour passes and the first part of the exam is

over. The students are incredibly relieved to have finished.

(Cameraman comes up to group of students)

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CAMERAMAN:

How was that?

STUDENT 1:

It was easier than what I thought. Just the speaking to go.

I must call my Mama.

(Katie and Verona walk out)

KATIE:

(exhales) And breathe! Just one more thing to go and

we are done.

VERONA:

Until next week.

KATIE:

Until next week. At least we were professional about it.

(Carl walks out while the teachers behind him are singing

Pacman to the Batman theme tune)

CARL:

(To the camera) Make them stop!

END OF SCENE

(Cut to the staff room where Verona is organising the exam

papers for marking. All teaching staff are there)

KATIE:

OK, listen up...those that are on speaking exam duty, you

know where and when you need to be, everyone, marking please.

(Teachers groan)

CAMERAMAN:

(To Katie) Katie, would it possible to film some of the speaking

exams please?

KATIE:

Not at all. I don't want any of the students to have any

unnecessary pressure placed on them. They need to

concentration fully on the questions asked.

13

CAMERAMAN:

So, what are we meant to film? The viewers won't

appreciate seeing a load of teaching marking.

KATIE:

(Angry and walking towards the camera) I couldn't give

a s**t really. You could go film the activity staff and which

one of them is shagging who, you could go film Zack and

Mike and their little bro-mance, or you can take that camera

and film what's up your a*s, the viewers won't be able to

tell the difference between that and anything on ITV2!

I'm sorry that we don't allow you to film everything you want,

but remember this, when you turn the cameras off, we keep on going.

Why don't you keep on going...out of the door? Thank you!

(Katie slams the door and the camera backs off)

NARRATOR:

The cameraman later apologised for upsetting Katie and we

were able to resume filming later on that night.

END OF SCENE

(Cut to a talking head of Norman)

NORMAN:

I think you got off lightly. She's bitten my head off

for less than that. She just wants the best for the students.

We all do and I can see it from her point of view. Its a

vital exam and the last thing that they need is a camera in

their face. Just imagine if that were you taking your exams

and you had a camera in your face. It would cause

unnecessary pressure.

(Cut to a talking head of Katie)

KATIE:

I'm sorry for losing it. Exams aren't just a stressful

time for the students you know.

CAMERAMAN:

What are you going to do now?

14

KATIE:

Now, I'm going to enjoy myself. Its staff talent show time.

(Cut to the students arriving into main hall)

NARRATOR:

Its almost time for the staff talent show. The staff have been rehearsing

since five o'clock and the nerves are beginning to show among

them.

KATIE:

Carl, are you sure you have the harmony right? It sounds

like you're out of key.

CARL:

I'm in key. I'm so in key, they call me yale! Now, lets get

with it and start again.

MIKE:

(To the camera) Are you ready for this? The next member

of Diversity is right here.

(Tom walks up to Sarah who is warming her voice)

TOM:

Sarah, can I talk to you please?

SARAH:

Tom, I've told you. You can do and see whoever you want.

TOM:

Its not that...I just want to say sorry.

SARAH:

For what? For thinking that I'd go with Mike? For not

believing me? For thinking that I don't care about you?

Take your pick.

TOM:

All of the above.

SARAH:

I know what you want and a lot of me wants that too, but...

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TOM:

But what?

SARAH:

You know why! We're only here for six weeks then I go

back to Scotland and you go to your academy. We don't

see each other until next summer, that's if we both come back.

Do you know what I'm saying?

TOM:

(pause) I do...doesn't mean I have to agree with it.

(Short pause)

TOM:

So...what do we do now?

SARAH:

There's five weeks left...lets just enjoy the time we have,

share a few laughs and just...be friends...

(Sarah kisses Tom on the head)

SARAH:

Gotta go. I'm hosting this thing.

(Tom watches Sarah leaves. He picks up a guitar)

END OF SCENE

(Cut to some dance music as Sarah walks out. The students

cheer)

SARAH:

Good evening everyone. Tonight is all about us giving you

something back. You've worked very hard and now, we are

going to entertain you...wait a minute, did I say entertain you?

(Robbie Williams Let me Entertain you plays)

SARAH:

Ladies and gentlemen, you know him as Andy, but

tonight he is...Robbie Williams!

16

(Andy runs on dress as Robbie Williams and

sings the first verse and chorus. The crowd

cheer)

(Cut to backstage. Carl, Norman, Katie and Zack are dressed up

as ABBA. Mike walks past them dressed up like a rapper.

ABBA laugh)

CARL:

God, I feel like I'm on Britain's got talent. This is super

exciting!

NORMAN:

Just remember the moves and who sings which line.

ZACK:

Is it wrong that I'm really comfortable dressed like this?

CARL:

Hey! I'm the gay one in this band!

(Cut back to Sarah on stage)

SARAH:

You are in for a right treat now. You know them as Carl,

Norman, Katie and Zack, but tonight...they are...ABBA.

(The students cheer as they walk out. They start singing and

dancing. Students are dancing and clapping along. Song

finishes and the students applaud wildly)

(Cut to backstage and Mike)

MIKE:

(To camera) They think that was good? Wait until

they see this!

(Cut back to Sarah on stage)

SARAH:

I told you that would be a treat, and guess what? The

treats just keep coming. Would you please welcome

to the stage, your activity manager, Mike Black?

17

(Mike runs on stage to scattered applause)

MIKE:

Chicos y chicas...prepare to be amazed.

(2unlimited's There's no limit plays and Mike dances to

it. Its very embarrassing and people start laughing silently,

others are just shocked. The music stops after a minute.

Mike stands there with jazz hands. No-one applauds)

MIKE:

Take your time...you're probably still in amazement...

(No-one applauds. Sarah walks out)

SARAH:

Mike Black everyone...

(He walks off to scattered applause)

NARRATOR:

The rest of the night went amazingly well, and then it came

to the final act of the evening...

SARAH:

We've had some great acts tonight and now we come to the

final one...you know him as the amazing teacher Mr Atkinson,

but tonight, he is...Morrissey...

(Tom walks on stage to loud applause with a guitar)

TOM:

Good evening everyone...I hope you like this song...

its by The Smiths with a simple message...I'm sorry...

(Tom plays and sings Please, Please, Please. As he

sings the camera pans around all the staff and students.

Marco and Carl start to hold hands, Norman kisses

Katie on the head, Jack holds Verona.

The song finishes, the crowd start cheering. Sarah walks on stage

as Tom walks off. They brush hands as they walk by each other)

(The camera starts to pan around all students and staff

as Tom starts speaking to the camera.)

18

TOM:

In this line of work, you don't get a lot of time to

make an impression on people. And sometimes, what

you think you deserve, you never end up getting.

Life is cruel and sometimes, the rewards aren't that

great, but if it means sacrificing everything you want

to make sure that you make a good impression on

others...its a small price to pay. (Short pause �" to cameraman)

I'll see you tomorrow...

(The camera stays on Tom as he walks away.

Students run and walk as well near him)

END OF SCENE

THE END

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