The Lawns

A mocumentary about a group of people that work at a summer school. The idea is that it will be 6 half hour episodes. This is the pilot episode.

THE LAWNS �" tales from a summer school

by T M Atkinson

PILOT EPISODE

(Show a well built man sat at a desk. There is a computer on the desk and lots of paperwork and rotas. The man is staring straight at the camera with his arms folded)

MIKE:

We provide a unique service for the kids. They come on holiday

to improve their English, to see historical and interesting cities

and to take part in fun activities and its my job to make sure

that the above is fulfilled. I like to add the personal touch, but I

know where the line is and I never venture over that particular border.

I'm a nice guy and I think they appreciate my efforts.

(Voice is heard from behind the cameras, the voice is in an Arnold Schwarzenegger style)

ZACK:

Mate you're a f*****g liar...You bullshit...you have sex at least ten

times last year.

(Mike stands up and walks behind the camera �" the camera doesn't follow him but his voice is still heard)

MIKE:

Zack you're such a little Quimby. You can see the camera is recording.

(Screen blackout to reveal the title of the programme “The Lawns �" tales from a summer school” is seen. Voices are still heard.)

ZACK:

Then you lie to the world...

MIKE:

But the world doesn't want to hear your stupid, lying voice.

ZACK:

You are the stupid.

(Voices fade out)

END OF SCENE

1

(Cut to a camera shot showing various different shots of the campus

students are walking all around its about 8am)

NARRATOR:

The Lawns Campus, Hull, East Yorkshire. Its the beginning of

a new summer season with Stepan-Briggs Summer School �"

a camp that specialises in holidays for European students

wanting to improve their English speaking skills. This is the

school's second year in existence and the centre's manager is

Norman Bridge.

NORMAN:

Well last year, we had just over 1,000 students in total from Italy

and Spain over a three month period which for a company just

starting out is absolutely incredible really. This year we've got

around 300 more than last year and we have gone further afield

into Europe with students from the Czech Republic and Poland.

So yeah, I guess you could say we are advancing over Europe

(laughs) The Third Reich of the ESOL world...I'm sorry that's a

really lousy comparison...erm...I'll think of another...oh I guess you could call us the...oh no that could be racist...erm...

CAMERAMAN:

Why don't you just say you're a rapidly advancing summer school?

NORMAN:

(turns angry) Listen pretty boy, who is the centre manager here is

it me or you? Its me so I suggest that you shut your mouth, or I'll

stick that camera up your jacksie sideways! (goes back to normal)

Erm...lets see comparisons...

END OF SCENE

(Show a 30+ aged woman with blonde hair sat behind a desk

doing a lot of work on a laptop)

NARRATOR:

Leading the line with Norman is the centre's director of studies,

Katie Stevens. Katie, a New Yorker by birth, has been working

with Norman for 20 years and is happy to see their dream of

running a summer school together finally come to fruition.

2

KATIE:

Yeah the hours are long and the paperwork is as big as the Empire

State, but I'm like whatever I'll do it, after all its my job. Working with

Norman has its ups and downs and it seems like I always end up

being the bad guy. Every group has a group leader and normally

they're teachers. Norman's like hey guys yeah of course you can

have extra lessons, sure you can have a night in a 5 star hotel on us

and yeah sure just drop your pants and I'll kiss your a*s. And I'm like

no you can't, no you don't and no you won't. That's why I think, in a

strange sorta way, we're a great team. He gives away free s**t and I

take that s**t away from them and smear it in their face.

END OF SCENE

(Show a hectic teachers staff room with people trying to organise their lessons, photocopying paper and talking to each other about what they are going to be doing on that day with the children)

NARRATOR:

The teachers play a major part in the summer school. It is their

responsibility to prepare the students, ready for their speaking

exam at the end of their stay. The teachers also have to state

what level of English speaking exam that they would

recommend the students to take. A hard task to undertake....

(Show a short man wearing a checked shirt following a lot of men around the campus with a smile on his face. When he sees a man coming the opposite direction, he follows them)

NARRATOR:

Carl David is a qualified History teacher. This is his second year with

Stepan-Briggs.

CARL:

I am gay and I make no attempt to hide it. I'm not John Inman or

Kenneth Williams or anything like that but I do adhere to some of the

stereotypes. I adore Abba, I love Eurovision and I'm not turned on by

any female parts what-so-ever, but when it comes to the classroom, all

of that is put aside. I'm a mental focused teacher with a 100% pass rate for the exam at the summer school. That is the one thing that I am

most proud of. I guess you could say I model myself on Tony Blair. He

is my all time hero.

3

(A man walks behind Carl and goes off camera)

TOM:

Why, are you a mass murderer as well Carl?

CARL:

(shouting back at Tom) Tom, will you just shut you up why do you

always have to ruin it for me?! (Turns back to the camera) That's Tom

my co-teacher. Straight man which is a shame but he's not content

until he has stamped on all my views and dreams but still...(mouths) I

like him.

END OF SCENE

(Cut to a talking head shot of Tom)

TOM:

Yeah, this is my second year here. I'd love to say that I have a passion

for the kids and my profession but its all about the cash. I've just landed

a cushty little job at a new academy school opening in September, so I

won't be here for long...hopefully. I really believe that I am the best in

the world at what I do...and if that sounds arrogant who cares? I hate

modesty if someone gives you the opportunity to tell everyone how

good you are, embrace it. You know I think you're good? I know I am

next question.

CAMERAMAN:

So why are you back then?

TOM:

To see friends that I worked with last year, to check out the action, but

most importantly to see a special someone again this year.

CAMERAMAN:

And who is that then?

TOM:

Is this a documentary we're making or Hollyoaks?! I'm not

gonna tell you that!

END OF SCENE

4

(Cut back to the main hall where the students are sat down and on

the stage are Norman and Katie with a collection of teachers and other

staff)

NORMAN:

OK firstly, I want to welcome you here to England where it never

rains...I hope you all had a nice journey. I just want to tell you

about your first day here...in a moment you'll be going to breakfast

and then its back to your rooms where your group leaders will give

you your weekly programme...lessons this afternoon at 1.30 and

then after dinner we have a talent show...if anyone wants to get up

and perform, singing and dancing get up here and enjoy

yourself...so I think Katie just wants to say something important to

you...

(Katie's head snaps at Norman)

KATIE:

(whispering at Norman) What have I got to say?

NORMAN:

(whispering to Katie) I don't know, make something up.

KATIE:

(whispering to Norman) But I want to take the teachers for a meeting.

NORMAN:

(whispering to Katie) But we need to keep them them in here

because the programme states breakfast is at 9 and its currently

8.57, they'd be three minutes early.

KATIE:

(whispering to Norman) Three minutes? Who cares?

NORMAN:

(whispering louder to Katie) Just make something up!

(Short pause)

KATIE:

(to students) I hear the sausages are delicious...

(Short pause)

5

NORMAN:

(To students) Well...there's something to think about...OK off you

go to breakfast and we'll see you later.

(All students leave quickly as do the staff members)

NORMAN:

Sausages really? That was your best line?

KATIE:

You said make something up.

NORMAN:

But sausages?

KATIE:

Have you tried them? They taste like horse s**t!

END OF SCENE

(Cut to the teachers lounge where there is lots of movement as the teachers are introducing themselves to each other)

NARRATOR:

There are a few more returnee teachers to the Lawns.

David and Ian, who work together in Italy, decided to leave

behind their pizza and pasta lifestyle for the beauty of East Yorkshire.

DAVID:

I lived in Hull for ten years and then the appeal of Italy came

calling and I just couldn't resist.

CAMERAMAN:

And what about you Ian, why did you come back to Hull?

(short pause)

IAN:

I like scraps on my chips.

(David stares at Ian briefly)

END OF SCENE

6

(Cut to Katie who is standing at the front with a young 20something

girl stood next to her the teachers are all stood staring at them)

KATIE:

Right, teachers just a moment of your time please...first of all I'd like to

welcome you all to Stepan-Briggs and I hope you find it enjoyable. I'd

like to introduce you to our administrator Verona, she will be going

around the classrooms and making sure that everyone is OK and

making sure that all of your paperwork is correct...

(Cut to a talking head of Verona)

VERONA:

I'm dedicated to my job...I have one rule - no men equals no

mistakes and I intend to stick by that.

(Show Verona smiling at a tall 20something teacher and blows

him a kiss as Katie continues to talk)

KATIE:

OK, so we will be testing about 30 students today to get their opening

levels and classes will begin in one hour so until then, yeah, why not

get to know each other a bit better...

(Katie walks off as the teachers mingle with each other. Verona and

the man named Jack approach and greet each other)

END OF SCENE

(Cut to a shot of Mike sat behind his desk with a computer working at it)

NARRATOR:

Of course, the teaching only makes up half of the holiday. The

activities are something that all the students look forward and

the job of organising it falls upon the activity manager, Mike

Black.

MIKE:

Its a tough job. You've got to organise all the trips which means

money handling and dealing with the idiots that work at these places.

We try and do our best for them, we take them to Old Trafford, to York,

they even get a two night stay over in London. We try to offer a

different range of activities for the students. I'm in charge of at a group of

about 10 activity leaders so you've got to be strong...

7

(Mike flexes the muscles in his arms)

MIKE:

And as you can see ladies...these bad boys are strong enough...

this one's a good one, you'll like this...(clears throat) so you want

directions darling? Sure, you need to go this way...

(Mike flexes his right arm muscle and points)

MIKE:

Do not go that way...

(He flexes his left arm muscle and points)

MIKE:

That's the way I bacon roll.

END OF SCENE

(Cut to a 20something thin girl with long brown hair going through

folders)

NARRATOR:

Sarah MacMath, a 25 year old student from Scotland is in

her second year at Stepan-Briggs as an activity leader.

SARAH:

I think I came back because I loved the job last year and

met some great people. This year should be the same but I feel it

may be a little awkward with certain people. Last year, one or two

things happened...

CAMERAMAN:

Who with?

SARAH:

I'd rather not say, but I'm not going to let it get in the way of

my work and if he wants the best possible work then he'll leave me

alone.

(Mike walks behind Sarah and nips her bum and then runs off)

SARAH:

Mike, you little s**t! I've told you its not happening.

8

END OF SCENE

(Cut back to the teachers staff room where all of them are talking

to each other �" Tom, Ian and David are talking)

IAN:

So have these changes affected the way you teach?

DAVID:

Definitely, I think everything we do is going to be scrutinised in

some way...have you found a different in the way you teach Tom?

TOM:

Not really, but then again, I just teach the same way I've always

done...my way.

DAVID:

Its your way or the highway.

(Carl comes into the conversation.)

CARL:

We call them motorways over here David.

DAVID:

I know. I was just making a point.

CARL:

Yes, well you can stop with your Americanisms. They don't rule

us just yet.

TOM:

Ian, did you order the obnoxious twat?

IAN:

I don't think so.

CARL:

There's no need to resort to name calling. Does any of you

know where the coloured card is?

IAN:

Where its always been Carl, in the stock cupboard.

9

(The three continue to talk as the camera follows Carl over to

the cupboard. Carl opens it to discover Jack and Verona kissing

very passionately in the cupboard �" they stop when they see

Carl)

CARL:

(Hesitating) Erm...is there any coloured paper in here?

(Jack passes Carl some paper)

CARL:

Thank you...erm carry on...

(Jack and Verona start to kiss again as Carl closes the door and

walks back over to the other three who also saw the whole thing)

TOM:

Is that one of those new teaching methods you were on about?!

END OF SCENE

(Cut to a well built man with a beard trying to surf on a swivel

chair around Mike's office)

NARRATOR:

Behind every good manager is a good deputy and Mike has

Zack, a rugby player from Austria.

ZACK:

I have been friend of Mike for three years now. He is a lazy

s**t. He do nothing. He chats up the girls and they say no go away

you are idiot.

(Mike walks in)

MIKE:

You saying nice things about me Zacky boy?

ZACK:

No, I say you is a s**t and you are ugly.

(Mike grabs Zack puts him in a headlock and drags him round the

office)

10

MIKE:

Who's your daddy Zacky?!

ZACK:

Mate, let go or I will kill you!

(Enter Norman into the office)

NORMAN:

Mike (notices he's got Zack in a headlock) Hi Zack...Mike, the

activity staff need briefing on what they're doing today...

MIKE:

'K Norm...come on Zacky boy...

(Mike drags Zack off in his headlock)

ZACK:

Seriously mate I will smash you in your c**k!

END OF SCENE

(Cut to the activity leader staff room �" Mike is sat down with the six

activity leaders briefing them on what is happening that day)

MIKE:

So we've got 30 kids going to Scarborough, Andy,

you're up for that...usually quiz and other s**t...twenty-eight into York...

museums...Adam, you look like a nerd you up for that?

(Adam is tall, bulky 20something wearing glasses)

ADAM:

Well seeing as though you asked nicely...

MIKE:

You'll love it a load of historical s**t under one roof...take

Rebecca with you...now Nina, you're going to Beverley...

minster...tour of the town...with 60 kids...

(Nina is beautiful 20 year old girl with long hair)

NINA:

Wooh...60 kids?

11

MIKE:

Can't you handle 60 kids, Nina?

NINA:

Well I can't by law but just two of us for 60 kids? Come on Mike.

MIKE:

OK don't be a diva Nina take Jamie with you...and that's it I think

(pauses) Macca...how could I forget you? Trip into Hull alright?

SARAH:

I'm all over it Mike.

MIKE:

Good, so any questions?

(Jamie puts up his hand)

JAMIE:

If they step out of line, can use some of my army training to

discipline them?

(Stunned silence as the camera shows a close up of Mike who is

stunned)

END OF SCENE

(Cut back to the teachers who are making their way to the classrooms -

the kids are in their waiting �" cut to Carl talking to the camera as

he walks to his classroom)

CARL:

The person that you're talking to now...this is the happy easy going

Carl...but trust me, when I get in that classroom I change myself

com-ple-tely...(to students) Good morning class.

(Students reply in the native language)

CARL:

In English please, that's what you're here to learn.

(Carl slams some books onto a desk and he is now talking

with an East End London accent)

12

CARL:

Right kids...here's my rules. No talking when I talk...no bad

mouthing the queen and the country and if I see anyone

chewing...then God help you...do I make myself crystal?

(All the kids look at Carl with a look of confusion and say nothing)

CARL:

(back in his normal voice) Right-o...travel...

END OF SCENE

(Cut to a talking head of Tom)

TOM:

I'm more of a laid back teacher...teaching is the priority but you've got

to remember that this is a holiday for them as well and that's the thing

you've got to remember before you enter the classroom...you do get

some weirdo's though...

(Cut to Tom in a classroom stood up while students are all sat

at their desks)

TOM:

Thank you Bruno and you Francesca...tell us a little bit about you...

(Francesca is an Italian student)

FRANCESCA:

Well I'm 14, I am from Milan and in my freetime,

I like to play Volleyball and go to the cinema.

TOM:

That's great thanks Francesca, would you like to ask me a

question?

FRANCESCA:

What do you do in your freetime?

TOM:

Good question...I like to go to the cinema and play football...thank you

Francesca...Matteo what do you like to do in your freetime?

13

MATTEO:

In my freetime, I like to play tennis, read books and I like to watch

the news on TV.

TOM:

OK...different...would you like to ask me a question?

MATTEO:

Yes...do you believe that the economic disaster that my country

currently faces, could be resolved by the re-introducing of the lira

and the complete abolishing of the Euro, so that we are able to

pick ourselves up out of the mire?

(Tom looks a bit confused at the question �" silence)

TOM:

I also like to read so...

END OF SCENE

(Cut to the car park where a coach has pulled up and the

students are getting on it with Sarah supervising them �" camera

crew walk up to her)

CAMERAMAN:

Sarah, would it be OK if we came and filmed your excursion?

SARAH:

Yeah...its only Hull museums. Not much happens.

CAMERAMAN:

We just need a lot of different material and see what makes

the cut and its different to anything we've filmed already.

SARAH:

Fine by me...I'll have to check with the museum to see if you're allowed in

but shouldn't be a problem.

END OF SCENE

14

(Cut to Katie walking towards the classrooms)

NARRATOR:

As part of her role as director of studies, its Katie's job

to make sure that all the students are settling into their new

classes.

KATIE:

Of course, its important that the students are settled and happy.

The main reason they're here is to pass the exam, so our teachers

have to be on the ball...what the hell are they doing?

(Camera pans round to see Carl's class stood outside)

KATIE:

Why are they outside? They should be in class.

(Camera follows Katie down to the students)

KATIE:

Guys, why are we stood outside? We should be in class.

STUDENT:

Teacher Carl sent us out here.

KATIE:

Why has he done that?

STUDENT:

He said he's teaching us about recent incidents involving Spain

and the UK.

KATIE:

And what is this meant to represent?

(Carl appears from the classroom)

CARL:

Time's up. I can allow one more in. Three minutes everyone else.

Oh, hello Katie, we're playing “get into Gibraltar!”

(short pause)

15

KATIE:

Right...lets go see if the other classes are, I don't know,

normal!

END OF SCENE

(Cut to the main office where Mike is sat at his computer

typing away when Norman walks in)

NORMAN:

Mike...where are we with tonight's talent show?

MIKE:

Got a few signed up...a few singers, piano players and a set of

dancers...should be a good night...I'm gonna get Tom, Carl and Sarah

to be the judges and Zack is going to host it.

NORMAN:

No...no...no Zack can't do it, he'll end up saying something

inappropriate...no you can do it.

MIKE:

Me? Why me?

NORMAN:

Because Mike, I need my best man out there tonight to give the

students and their leaders the best possible night so there is no

negativity, but above all Mike, because I'm your boss and I'm

telling you to do it.

MIKE:

(pause) Am I really your best man?

NORMAN:

Just make sure its a good show.

(Norman leaves �" Mike mouths “the best man” and keeps

pointing to himself)

END OF SCENE

16

(Cut to a scene showing Sarah getting off the coach and

leading the group to a maritime museum)

CAMERAMAN:

So what happens now?

SARAH:

Well I sign them in and they look around...bit boring really but they

get some shopping time afterwards.

CAMERAMAN:

Do you mind if we stick around though?

SARAH:

No...not at all. Its nice to have some company.

NARRATOR:

Sarah is highly thought of at Stepan-Briggs because of her

tireless work and dedication to the job.

END OF SCENE

(Cut back to Mike in the office with Zack sat next to him)

MIKE:

Sarah...she's a great worker. Always up first, never misses a shift.

She's like the benchmark for all the others to follow. All the group

leaders respect her and the kids love her and...

ZACK:

You love her.

MIKE:

(scoffs) What? Don't talk stupid.

ZACK:

Mate, remember last year you were like oh Sarah, I think I love her, I

want to marry her our babies will be so good looking.

MIKE:

I didn't mate. I didn't at all.

17

ZACK:

And when she left, you were on Facebook and saying I miss you I

wish you were here lying next time to me so I could kiss you and stroke

your hair again. You sound like a desperate man.

MIKE:

Nah...I'm not desperate at all. I get it every night of the week.

ZACK:

With yourself!

MIKE:

No...with girls, lots of girls, sometimes five at a time, two on my hands.

But anyway, Sarah is a great worker.

ZACK:

With great tits.

MIKE:

Bit sexist Zack...in front of the camera.

ZACK:

Sorry...she has got great tits though.

(Mike sighs and nods)

END OF SCENE

(Cut to Norman and Katie stood outside. Norman is smoking)

NORMAN:

Well Sarah actually came with a high recommendation from

another summer camp. She's really enthusiastic and I'd trust her

to look after my own mother.

KATIE:

Yeah...nothing goes wrong when Sarah's around.

END OF SCENE

18

(Cut to a scene in the middle of Hull City Centre that shows two police cars, all the students gathered outside the maritime museum, the staff are talking to the police as the camera pans around the scene �" comes up to Sarah)

CAMERAMAN:

What happened Sarah?

SARAH:

Erm...I'm not entirely sure. One minute the students are looking

round the museum and the next that guy there...

(Camera briefly pans onto the member of staff talking to the police officer)

SARAH:

He said that one of the kids started to bronco buck the whale bones.

CAMERAMAN:

Oh my...and did it happen?

SARAH:

I'm not sure. Its a bit weird if he did. The other staff say that this guy

has got a screw loose anyway but...

(Sarah looks at her watch)

SARAH:

Hope this is done soon...the kids are due back by half 5...

CAMERAMAN:

Is there a possibility of criminal charges?

SARAH:

Not sure...sorry I've got to...

(Sarah goes over to the police officers as the camera focuses

in on the incident)

NARRATOR:

Luckily there were no charges pressed this time. Life in a

summer camp is anything but dull. Some moments you can

just laugh off but in the past, incidents have happen which

sadly cannot be avoided as Norman Briggs recalls.

END OF SCENE

19

(Cut to Norman sat in the office with Katie sat next to him)

NORMAN:

Well it was Katie and my first year in the summer camp business.

We were working in London in 2005. It was a great atmosphere as

the capital city was buzzing. They had just beaten Paris to host

the Olympics. Anyway, I had to take 25 Spanish students to

Buckingham Palace and we had to take the tube. We were meant

to set out after breakfast but three of the lads were late...they

were pruning their hair or something so we missed the train that

we were going to get...(sighs and takes a deep breath)

KATIE:

You don't have to tell it dear.

NORMAN:

(wiping his face) No...its OK...anyway when we get to Kings

Cross, there's police, ambulances, fire brigade, utter chaos

surrounding everything...at the time no-one knew what had

happened but then later...

(Again Norman takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself)

NORMAN:

I think back a lot...that if we had stuck to the schedule, then I

wouldn't be here today...I'd have been on that train and 25 more

innocent...(starts to cry and voice breaks) innocent kids would

have lost their lives...

KATIE:

Its alright Norm...I'm here.

NORMAN:

That's why...I've vowed to live each day and never waste a minute

because its only when...(pause) you're faced with death that you

realise...(pause) just how important life is...

(Norman puts his hand to his head and wipes away a tear. Katie puts

her arm around him and waves the camera crew away)

KATIE:

(to camera) Maybe you should...

(Camera crew leave the office still shooting Norman and Katie �" door shuts)

20

(Cut to a scene showing a tall gentleman polishing cutlery in a

huge dining area)

NARRATOR:

A key aspect of the summer camp experience is the catering.

Catering manager Daniel Scott has been looking after students

at the Lawns for 5 years and he oversaw the birth of the

Stepan-Briggs camp last year. Its his job to make sure that all

dietary requirements are met.

DANIEL:

(in a very posh voice) We have many different students from many

different origins coming here every week and we have to make sure

that the catering is a superb culinary experience. We try to make

sure that we cook dishes from their native country to make them feel

at home.

(Show a girl serving food while David and Ian, trays in hand

await their meal)

DAVID:

Right...so what choices do we have tonight?

GIRL:

(in a broad Yorkshire accent) We have paella y pollo and coq au vin.

DAVID:

Right...so chicken then?

GIRL:

Guess so.

DAVID:

I'll take the paella please.

(Girl slops it onto a plate David walks off)

IAN:

What's your vegetarian option please?

GIRL:

I'm not sure.

21

IAN:

No nut roast...or stuffed peppers anything like that.

GIRL:

I can pick the chicken out of the paella...

(Starts putting her hand in the rice)

IAN:

No...its OK...think I'll have a liquid lunch.

GIRL:

Suit yourself.

(Ian moves on as Carl enters with a tray)

GIRL:

Next!

CARL:

Coq please!

END OF SCENE

(Cut to show staff members sat down on a long canteen style table

eating their food �" Carl and Tom come over and sit down)

IAN:

So Carl, what was with that Gibraltar thing you were doing?

CARL:

Nothing, just showing the kids the wonders of Spanish democracy.

DAVID:

But the students didn't cause it.

CARL:

I know. I just wanted to show them what it was like to queue for a

ridiculously long period of time for absolutely no reason.

TOM:

For fecks sake Carl, stop trying to be an EU diplomat and do

the job that you're paid to do!

22

CARL:

Alright diva, I'm just trying to add a little bit of flair to my lessons

and make them more ballsy.

TOM:

As long as you're not flaunting your ballsy!

NINA:

How was everyone else's day?

SARAH:

Oh my God...horrifying.

IAN:

What happened Sarah?

SARAH:

Oh the usual...student dry humping a dead whale...police

involved...typical day out!

CARL:

Did they press charges?

SARAH:

Fortunately not...but looks like we're not going to allowed back there.

CARL:

Oh the humanity...the violation!

TOM:

I can't imagine the whale will be visiting any counsellors soon Carl.

CARL:

Don't be so sarcastic Thomas. I'm just saying that you'd think they

would be able to show respect when visiting other countries.

TOM:

Yeah, cos we Brits are definitely well behaved when we go abroad.

(Enter Mike and Zack who stand behind Carl and Tom)

MIKE:

Boys, girls, Nina...Carl and Tom, I require your services later tonight.

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CARL:

I knew this day would come!

MIKE:

Steady yourself Alan Carr...you're both judges tonight in the talent show.

CARL:

Do we get a choice?

TOM:

Yeah sure, no probs Mike.

MIKE:

Nice one Tommy...oh and Macca...you're a judge too...give the boys

something to look at.

SARAH:

You're such a chauvinist! Just what exactly are they going to look at?

ZACK:

(short pause) Your t*****s!

MIKE:

Give them old babies a shake...

(Everyone looks shocked but all stare at Sarah's chest)

MIKE:

Anyway...all other staff...briefing in ten minutes.

(Mike and Zack leave. Everyone is still staring at Sarah)

SARAH:

Seriously...can everyone stop staring at my breasts?

(Everyone gets on with eating their food)

CARL:

Mmmmm....this coq's nice.

TOM:

Do you think of anything else?!

END OF SCENE

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(Cut to show staff members setting up tables and chairs for the

talent show in the main hall)

NARRATOR:

In the main hall, preparation's are well on under way for this

evening's talent show.

ANDY:

This is the glamorous side of the job...manual labour.

CAMERAMAN:

Are you excited about tonight?

ANDY:

Oh yeah definitely...should be great. We've got a solo pianist, a boy

band tribute, a dance act think there's more but I can't remember.

CAMERAMAN:

Great, so what's your job tonight?

ANDY:

Sweeping up! The glamour never ends!

END OF SCENE

(Cut to Sarah walking towards the main hall texting...

Tom runs up behind her)

TOM:

Sarah?

SARAH:

Hey Tom...

TOM:

Listen, sorry about tea-time. Mike was out of order.

SARAH:

Nothing I haven't heard from him before.

TOM:

When I heard you were coming back this year, I was really

excited to see you.

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SARAH:

And I was the same about you.

TOM:

Great...so I was wondering if you would like to come for a drink...

SARAH:

Oh...

TOM:

I mean it doesn't have to be right now you know just whenever you've

got some time off. You don't have to, I just thought that...

SARAH:

I'd like that...I've got tomorrow night free if you want to do something

then.

TOM:

Great. I'll take you to dinner. My treat.

(Enter Mike)

MIKE:

Hey, how's my judges?

SARAH:

Fine...Mike, I've got tomorrow night off so I'm off out with Tom.

MIKE:

Tomorrow night? Macca, didn't you see the rota's changed you're on

tomorrow night?

SARAH;

Since when?

MIKE:

As of about one minute ago.

SARAH:

Childish...is this about last year?

MIKE:

No...I've got an important activity tomorrow night and I need my best

girl on it.

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SARAH:

Oh come on Mike...

MIKE:

You've got six weeks here. I'm sure there'll be time to go for

a soft drink...Where's Carl?

(Mike walks off...Sarah and Tom stare and stay silent)

SARAH:

So it looks like I'm...

TOM:

Yeah...

SARAH:

So we'll have to...

TOM:

Yeah...

SARAH:

But we will...

TOM:

Definitely...

(Short pause)

SARAH:

Well we'd better...

TOM:

Yeah...

(Both go into the main hall)

END OF SCENE

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(Cut to a camera shoot showing all students sat down...performers

and staff back stage)

NARRATOR:

Show-time...the talent show is just moments away and

activities manager Mike Black is feeling the nerves.

(Cut to Mike backstage)

MIKE:

I've got butterflies in my stomach...just want the show to be a

success...I guess I feel like Dermot O'Leary...except he needs a script

to work off...not me...I'm naturally brilliant (Mike circles his face) There's

the money-maker.

(Pop music plays as Zack speaks on a microphone)

ZACK:

Everybody make some noise for your host...Mike Black.

(Mike runs on as there is limited applause)

MIKE:

Good evening everyone...are you ready for a great night?

(Muted yeah's)

MIKE:

Great what a crowd...but first a joke to get this party started...why is a

broken drum the best birthday present? Because you can't beat it! Ha!

(Silence)

MIKE:

(coughs) Anyway...lets welcome the three most feared people at

Stepan-Briggs...Sarah, Carl and Tom, your judges.

(Carl, Tom and Sarah walk on to the stage and sit down

at the judges table)

MIKE:

Lets grab a word with them...

(Mike walks over to the three)

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MIKE:

So Carl, what are you looking for tonight?

CARL:

Someone with real razzle-dazzle who wows me with their sazz!

MIKE:

Remember Carl, keep your hands where we can see them...

moving on to Sarah?

SARAH:

I'm looking for everyone to just enjoy themselves and have a good

night.

MIKE:

Wise words...and finally, Tom?

TOM:

I'm hoping for an early night so I can sod off to the pub!

MIKE:

OK...we've met our judges so lets meet our first act of the evening.

She's 16 years old and she is a piano player. Please welcome

Claudia...

(Claudia walks on stage and goes to the piano and just sits there

and doesn't play)

(Scene fades out and back in with still no music �" camera shows Carl sat arms folded as does Sarah while Tom is texting �" scene fades out again)

(Scene fades back and still no music �" Mike goes over to her)

MIKE:

Claudia...are you going to start?

CLAUDIA:

One moment...(pauses) I've finished.

(Claudia gets up and walks over to Mike)

MIKE:

Erm...great...yeah...lets see what the judges thought?

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CARL:

What the hell was that? No music, no singing, no emotions? Its a

talent show darling and you have to demonstrate it in order to win.

SARAH:

Was that John Cage's 4.33?

(Claudia nods)

SARAH:

Oh well in that case it was excellent.

CARL:

No it wasn't, it was silent rubbish. If you want to win this show, you have

to perform and that means opening your mouth so its a no from me.

SARAH:

I thought it was better than the original. Its a yes from me.

MIKE:

OK so that's one yes one no. Its all down to the last judge, Tom?

TOM:

What the hell? Don't care! Yes!

(Huge round of applause Claudia looks very happy)

MIKE:

So Claudia may win the talent show by not actually doing

anything...excellent...now our next act, please welcome the HBK's.

(Four 16/17 boys walk on stage to LMFAO's Sexy and I know it and start performing a dance routine �" scene fades out after one minute)

(Scene fades back as the boys have finished, the crowd are cheering

wildly and Mike takes them over to the judges)

CARL:

I've got just one word, three syllables �" FAB-U-LOUS!

(Crowd cheer)

SARAH:

Boys! I'm impressed by what I see and not just by the dancing!

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(Crowd cheer again)

MIKE:

Steady on Sarah please they weren't that good! And Tom?

TOM:

Yep...great!

(Crowd cheers as the boys walk off to huge cheers from the crowd)

NARRATOR:

Three more acts follow and after a very entertaining evening, it

falls upon the three judges to select an overall winner...all the

acts gather on the stage as Mike Black is ready to announce

the winner.

MIKE:

After a great talent show, the judges have decided on the winner and

that is (short pause) its the HBK's!

(Crowd goes crazy as the music plays again and the boys start

performing the dance routine again �" Carl joins in as Sarah laughs...

Tom mouths to the camera “I'm off to the pub” and walks off)

NARRATOR:

So the winner has been declared, but the most important

question is, have the students enjoyed their first day?

(Cut to Mike)

MIKE:

D'you know, its night's like tonight that really gives me a huge sense of

satisfaction. The kids are happy and if they're happy then, I'm happy

and that's the most important thing.

(Music plays and the kids are all dancing as the staff mingle with

them)

END OF SCENE

31

(Cut to a shot of some teachers and activity leaders in a staff kitchen

sat down drinking and talking)

NARRATOR:

Its the end of a gruelling first day at Stepan-Briggs and the

staff are gathered in their kitchen as they unwind and relax

with a few drinks.

CARL:

Did you see some of those moves from those kids? They could move

couldn't they?

NINA:

They did really well...deserved winners.

IAN:

But what was that silence all about?

CARL:

It was garbage. I am not fan of silence.

TOM:

Well maybe you should be, then everyone of us will be happy!

CARL:

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Any more wine?

SARAH:

In the fridge, I'll get it.

(Knock on the door)

CARL:

I'll get that then.

(Carl opens the door to reveal Zack. He's naked holding his genitals

as he looks into the room)

ZACK:

I think Mike has stolen my clothes. Are they in here?

CARL:

Erm...no...I can give you a tea-towel if that helps.

32

ZACK:

Carl I am a big boy. If you see Mike, tell him I will kill him. My

dingle is getting cold.

(Zack runs off. Everyone in the room looks shocked at what

has just happened)

TOM:

A tea-towel Carl? For that man's dingle? You are actually

slobbering over the thought ain't you...

AND WILL YOU TWO PACK IT IN?

(The camera pans round to show Jack and Verona passionately

kissing)

TOM:

You'd better check if you have your own tongues!

END OF SCENE

(Cut back to a talking head of Norman with Katie sat next to

him in their office)

NORMAN:

This is just a snippet of what we do here. We are a business first

and foremost and we have to make sure that the kids enjoy

themselves. Yes, some of the paint is coming off the walls, yes,

some of our equipment is a bit outdated, and yes, Hull isn't the

most glamorous of places...but this is our small bit of paradise

and this is what we do isn't it Kate?

KATIE:

Absolutely. Its our little piece of paradise.

NORMAN:

Yeah.

(Norman puts his arm around Kate)

END OF SCENE �" FADE TO CREDITS

THE END

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