Writersroom (or how we blow your licence fee)

Writersroom (or how we blow your licence fee)

by T M Atkinson

Synopsis

Five TV executives have gathered for the weekly meeting to discuss their new ideas for TV programmes for the upcoming months and also to discuss the latest TV ratings for their current TV programmes and how well they are spending the current licence fee.

Cast of characters

Head of programmes �" Sir Rupert Brailsford

Light entertainment writer �" Verity Imogen Paxton

Drama and comedy entertainment writer �" Frances Jardin la femme

Head of sport �" Sebastian Claude Cole OBE

The voice of reason �" William “Brains” Simpson

The set

6 chairs and a table

(Scene �" 4 executives are sat down awaiting the arrival of head of programmes for their weekly meeting)

Verity: Did anyone catch Eastenders last night?

Sebastian: No I was watching the Champions League last night, a

good game. Manchester United won.

Frances: Bloody football. Its banned in my household. My husband

and I are more enlightened with our viewing. We prefer a

much more enthralling form of television.

Verity: What did you watch?

Frances: The only way is Essex.

Sebastian: Oh...here comes Sir Rupert.

(Sir Rupert enters and sits down)

Rupert: Good morning everyone.

All: Good morning Sir Rupert.

Rupert: Have we had coffee ordered?

All: No

Rupert: Ok...(to off stage) Susan can you have some coffee sent up

please...and some biscuits as well. Open that pack of

Maryland cookies that Len Goodman got me for Christmas

can you?

Verity: I love Maryland cookies.

Rupert: Yes they are delicious...now the agenda for today...I'd like to

start with the viewing figures for our first showing of our

new reality show Celebrity book reading...how did it go?

Verity: Well, for the first 15 minutes were disappointing but then

again we were up against Celebrity karaoke on ITV...

All: Oh that is good...

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Sebastian: They had Gok Wan on singing Man I feel like a woman...

what a voice...

Verity: Yes...but after that...it was all us.

Rupert: But the viewing figures weren't good were they?

Verity: No they weren't Sir Rupert and I think that was down to the

choice of celebrities and their choices of books.

Rupert: What do you mean?

Verity: Well we had him from JLS...

Frances: What that one?

Verity: No the other one...and he was reading the hungry hungry

caterpillar but he struggled with the words.

Sebastian: It is a difficult book to read...I've often struggled to read

that to my son.

Verity: Quite and we also have a problem with Dale Winton on the

show.

Rupert: Wonderful Winton...what's wrong with him?

Verity: Well he's struggling to understand the read out loud bit of

the programme. He just reads the book quietly to himself.

William: What's he reading?

Verity: Fifty shades of Grey.

William: But its a tea-time show! You can't have him read that filth

out loud. Kids will be watching. Why don't you just have

him read The Satanic Verses and really piss people off!

Rupert: Mmmm...not a bad idea but I think they were all burnt. So,

what's your honest opinion Verity, can we give Celebrity

book reading a second series?

Verity: Well judging by the viewing figures, I would say no.

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Rupert: As I feared, which means there's a hole as big as a clown's

pocket in our Saturday line up that needs filling ASAP...any

suggestions?

Verity: Well...we've had Strictly Come Ice dancing, dancing on Ice,

Disney on Ice, Vanilla Ice on Ice, so what does that tell you?

William: There's too much crap on ice?

Frances: No...people like it so lets put more stuff on ice.

Verity: Precisely and here's my idea and Sebastian, I think this may

appeal to you as a sportsman...Formula One on Ice.

Sebastian: That's not bad.

Frances: That could work.

Verity: I know good isn't it!

William: If I could interject here Sir Rupert...

Rupert: Of course Brains.

William: Its just that F1 cars go at 200-300 mph and if you put them

on ice, it might result in a mild case of...death.

Sebastian: Yes he's got a point...we don't want death on ice.

Rupert: Agreed...nice idea though it was Verity, I don't think F1

drivers dying on TV would be good for business...we need

something else.

Verity: Well cooking is very popular at the moment, why don't we do

a cooking reality show.

Rupert: OK, what ideas do you have?

Verity: Come dine with me is very popular, why don't we do

something like that?

Frances: And what do we call it?

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Verity: Come dine with...them. Strangers go to different houses and

cook for them and have dinner parties.

William: But that's exactly the same as Come dine with me!

Frances: But the title is different.

Rupert: It does have a different title.

William: And the premise is the same and Channel 4 already do it!

Verity: But the BBC don't.

William: Yes but...

Rupert: Excellent so all those in favour of Verity's idea...

(All except William raise their hands)

Rupert: Carried...so the viewers can look forward to Come dine with

them on Saturday nights...so light entertainment is covered

so we move on to comedy and drama...Frances? Where

are we?

Frances: Well we are still reeling from the success of Downton

Abbey...you know on the other channel...

All: Damn ITV!

Frances: Well I was thinking if we write a new version set in a

country manor with Lords and Ladies living upstairs and

the staff living downstairs.

William: Right sounds a bit like Downton Abbey and the show that

Fellows ripped off Upstairs Downstairs.

Rupert: Did we do that one?

William: Yes Sir Rupert.

Frances: I am aware of the similarities which is why I propose the

title Upton Park.

Verity: I love it.

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Sebastian: Its brilliant Frances.

Frances: Thank you...you're too kind.

William: Upton Park? Really?

Rupert: Something to say Brains?

William: A couple of things...one, Upton Park is the name of West

Ham United's football ground and people may get the

wrong idea and think its a documentary and two, it is still a

blatant copy of Downton Abbey.

Frances: Well I've thought about that and I think that America loves

it because that's what they believe we British are like.

Every week, you tune in and no-one can tell you what the

current storyline is, yet people still love it, so if we put a

major storyline into it, we've got Golden Globes written

all over it.

Verity: And what will that storyline be?

Frances: We'll think of that during the first series.

Rupert: Wonderful now...

Frances: I do have one other idea Sir Rupert?

Rupert: Oh?

Frances: Imagine a new drama where people who have personal

and anger issues in their lives go to a place and get help

for it.

Sebastian: You mean rehab?

Frances: No something better. They need to let off steam and take

their anger out on something, so they go to a special

rehabilitation gymnasium and they get better simply by

lifting weights, riding bikes, that sort of thing.

Rupert: Well it does sound very intriguing.

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Frances: The only thing is I'm not too happy with the working title...

Gym'll fix it.

William: You're kidding?

Frances: I just can't think why that's not a good title.

William: Do you want me to explain to you why its not...or maybe

type it into Google?

Rupert: We don't have to go into that now Brains, we'll leave the

title for now. Good stuff Frances, now finally Sebastian and

sport...score me a goal.

Sebastian: Well following on from our successful coverage of the

London Olympics...

Verity: Danny Boyle was a dream.

Sebastian: Quite...well we have successfully bid for the London

Marathon and the Great North Run to be shown on the

BBC this year.

Rupert: But don't we have a five year viewing rights contract for

both events?

Sebastian: Yes Sir Rupert, I was just merely pointing out that we

have them on the Beeb...good news...we have just

successfully bid for the over 50s international bowls

tournament live from Eastbourne...

Rupert: Oh fantastic.

Verity: I do love a good game of bowls...when I say I, I mean my

grandparents.

Sebastian: Now the bad news, we have lost out on bids for Test

Cricket and International football.

Frances: Good...less sport on the Beeb leaves more room for great

programming such as Mrs. Brown's boys...

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William: You mentioned great programming Frances? Mrs. Brown's

boys? Is that great?

Frances: He's Irish and he dresses as a woman. Comedy gold.

Rupert: To be fair to be sure, he's very funny. Sebastian, anything

else to add on the sport front?

Sebastian: Match of the Day still strong and the football league

show doing well...

Rupert: Ah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that...I think we

should drop the football league show. I mean I think the

watching public want to see more Carlos Tevez and less

David Whats-his-name from Morecambe.

William: Now hang on a minute...

Sebastian: I think you're right Sir Rupert, the licence fee payers

want to see more of Gary Lineker and Mark Lawrenson

and less of Barnet v Gillingham.

William: Now that is enough!

(All fall silent)

Rupert: Brains, you'd better have a valid reason for interrupting.

William: Well as a matter of fact Rupert, I do.

Verity: You didn't address him as Sir Rupert.

William: I don't care! How do we know that this is what the licence

payers want? Here we are deciding on new programming

but how many of us actually watch the crap we dream up?

You Verity with your Celebrity book reading, would you

watch that given the opportunity?

Verity: Not really, I'd find it dull to know what Z-list celebrities read.

William: And you Frances with your rehabilitation gym, honestly that

sounds like something dreamt up by Alan Partridge don't

you think?

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Frances: I was thinking the weights would be lifted from their

shoulders, but in practice someone had their shoulder

separated.

William: And that should have told you it didn't work but yet, you

still brought it up as a credible idea and you Sebastian,

the Beeb doesn't have any of the top sports to show live,

yet we've bid a lot of money to show the nearly dead bowls

tournament just so Mavis and Derek have something to

watch before they chew on their carrot crush purée.

Sebastian: We only paid £1 million and a packet of Werthers

Originals for it.

William: And you Sir Rupert, seriously suggesting that we drop the

Football League show to show more of that crisp eating

smug b*****d!

Rupert: So what do you suggest we do Brains?

William: We give the public what they want. Newer and better

shows that appeal to their needs. We nourish new talent

and new writers and give them an opportunity and not bog

down the viewing hours with outdated celebrities who have

had their day rather than putting them in countless

celebrity pantomimes that the majority of our country have

grown tired of watching!

(All fall silent)

William: That's just what I think anyway.

Verity: Its brilliant.

Frances: Masterful.

Sebastian: Worthy of the title genius.

Rupert: Well William, you've done it again.

William: You really think its a good idea?

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Rupert: Absolutely...couldn't have dreamed that one up! Honestly...

a celebrity pantomime is exactly what TV needs.

William: That's not what I meant.

Verity: Its brilliant William.

Frances: Wonderful thinking.

Sebastian: Even I'd watch that.

William: Now hold on, what I meant was...

Rupert: Keep coming up with ideas like that and one day William,

you'll be sat in this chair. Seeing as the coffee never

materialised, I would say that's lunch now, wouldn't you

agree?

Verity: I would.

Frances: Another productive morning.

Sebastian: I feel like a Mayo Chicken from the Saver Menu.

Rupert: Good idea lets really push the boat out and have a

McFlurry...the future for TV programming looks great.

(All except William get up and leave)

William: Well...even I can't argue with the saver menu...exceptional

value.

(William gets up and leaves)

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