Ch4. Witches

                In a dark closed room sat two girls right in the middle of it. The windows and door were closed, the drapes covered the windows so that the sun’s light cannot enter, there were black rose petals and lit candles around them which almost filled the entire room, and right in the middle of them there’s a bowl filled with orange liquid and a floating board.

                Both of the girls had long-straight black hair, light skin, and were wearing a silk veil. One was red, and the other orange. On their fingers were a lot of gold rings with various shapes, some had chains that connected the ring to a bracelet, some had rocks on it.

                The girl in the red veil took a lizard from a pouch beside her. She then gave it to the other girl, who was already holding a dagger. The orange veiled girl examined the lizard that was given to her, stared at its eye as if trying to say something to it through telepathy. She took the dagger and cut the lizard’s head off, set aside the body, and put the head on top of the floating board. The red veiled girl then took off a ring from her hand which had a unique shape. It’s not whole like other rings, it’s not connected. It starts of wide, and then gets narrow after a few millimeters. As it wraps the finger, the tip rises with a clear small shiny rock pointing up. The ring was placed on the board with the lizard’s head in the middle of it.

                “Give me your hand.” ordered the red veiled girl. The other did as she was told.

                The red veiled girl then took the other’s hand and ran the dagger through her palm cutting deep enough for it to bleed. The second girl gasped in pain but held her voice. Then her blood was dripping to the bowl which hit the ring and the lizard’s head, as well as the orange liquid. A lot of blood was shed as her palm was squeezed dry. After her hand was released, she quickly wrapped it with a cloth that she had ready.

                The other girl was mumbling something at the bowl, circling her hand around it. After a few spin she had her arms around the bowl, hugging it without making contact. Then she pulled her arms to her in a circular motion as if trying to bring something heavy that’s on her palm around the bowl. As her hands got closer to her, she bent down and stopped her hand in front of her face.

                She blew on her palm very gently then all of a sudden, the liquid in the bowl was on fire. And while waving her hand above the bowl of flames she mumbled “Mé êv qurhu döña, perrip dig cinsing we ubah sing wutuk.”

                Both girls were staring at the majestic purple fire as it slowly consumes the board. While creeping up to the ring, the fire starts to change its shape. It turned into little people torso-to-head dancing around the ring. A light waft of air swirled the room and picked up the rose petals. One landed right on top of the ring, covering it. Then, some of the fire turned into a dragon. The fire dragon shook its head, held it high and took a look at the ring. He opened his mouth, bent down ready to devour its treat and"­

                Thud

                “Rya! What’s with the locked door?!” it was Kida banging on the door.

                The girl in the red veil stood up and opened the door. “Do you always have to interrupt something?” she asked.

                “Hey Angel! What are you doing here?” asked Kida, making her way inside the room as Rya sat down on the floor and picked up some of the mess.

                “We were in the middle of something before you interrupted.” answered Angel sounding pretty upset.

                “Aw. Sorry Angel. So what are you guys doing? It looks like a funeral here.” Kida sat on the bed looking at Rya who was sitting on the floor holding her hand that was cut.

                “What happened?” asked Kida.

                “Nah, Angel was just trying to practice some witch stuff. We almost got it though!” answered Rya, standing up and took a seat beside Kida.

                “Why didn’t you tell me?” Kida then gave Angel a cold look.

                “I needed someone who believes in witchcraft. And I know you don’t.” said Angel.

                “But I would love to, for fun.”

                “Well, it’s not for fun now.” Angel sounded sad. Kida wanted to ask but she though that it would be best to let her be for awhile.

                “You know that you can tell me anything, right Angel?” asked Kida as she wrapped her arm around Angel’s shoulder as Angel sat on her other side.

                “Yes cuz.” smiled Angel.

                “Ok! now let’s tend Rya’s hand!” said Kida. “Seriously Rya, what were you thinking?”

                Rya laughed and answered “You! And your masochistic dream with Dhanz.”

                “Oh! Shut up!” squealed Kida, hitting Rya’s arm lightly as she tries to hide her blushing face.

Author's Note

edited version is still in the proses :)

see anything that needs to be corrected? :D

Reviews

[Michael of Gilead]

"“Hey Angel! What are you doing here?” asked Kida, making her was inside the room as Rya sat down on the floor and picked up some of the mess"

Think you ment "making her way"....for me to correct spelling is a joke...my spelling is terrible...but there it is ;)

otherwise all is fine ;)

[Cheshire]

Just going to do the first paragraph for now, just so you get the point and you can do the rest yourself.

"In a dark closed room sat two girls right in the middle of it. The windows and door were closed, the drapes covered the windows so that the sun’s light cannot enter, there were black rose petals and lit candles around them which almost filled the entire room, and right in the middle of them there’s a bowl filled with orange liquid and a floating board."

Two girls sat in the center of a dark, closed room. Drapes covered the windows, so that the sun's light could not enter from any angle. Around the two girls sat black rose petals and lit candles, almost filling the entire room. In between them was a bowl filled with orange liquid and a floating board.


I don't understand why some of the other reviewers don't comment on some of the things when you specifically ask for specific citations of problems, and help correcting them. They aren't helping you by merely patting you on the back and saying good job.

It is a good story, you just have an issue with run-on sentences. Try to fully explain each step, without using a comma to go to the next. At first it may look like your sentences are too short and jerky to yourself, and that is when you can look for ways to combine them.

[Felipe]

oooooh i wonder who is dhanz, this chap scared me ina good way xD niucely done keep it up! btw nice potraying of witches

[Loner]

Very interesting !

[Kimberly]

I like the story and there's nothing wrong with it grammatically (other than the one typo already pointed out). However, one thing I'd change is to cut back on the attributive phrases (she said energetically, etc). One that really, in my opinion, didn't need to be there was "said Angel with a big emphasis on the word YOU. You already put you in the quote in italics so you don't need to further enhance it. Otherwise, this was good.

[AloysiaVerben]

I don't see anything that needs fixing but don't ask me because I'm not that good at editing... Good job! I enjoyed reading it.

[Arsenic Nemesis]

I really enjoyed this, intriguing and nicely written - good job~