“Don’t
be foolish, little girl!” hissed a tall, handsome man as he tried to reach for
the woman in front of her.
“Who
the hell do you think you are, calling me a little girl?!” yelled the woman.
The
sky was red, ashes were burning in the hot air, and smoke was everywhere.
People were running fast, away from their burning houses, as they carry their
children and the few possessions they were able to save. Crying children,
whining horses, barking dogs -- everyone was in a state of panic except for
these two who seem to be inside a bubble where the chaos was not felt.
With
her hazel eyes, she stared at him for a moment while tightly grasping a ring on
her left ring finger with the other. Her body was sweating in her long,
off-white nightgown and her bare feet were aching as she stood on the
sweltering soil. Despite the heat and all the hoopla that was going on, the man
did not shed even a drop of sweat under the heavy garment he was wearing.
“Hand
it over and I shall spare your life,” suggested the man again, shoving his hand
forward, taking a few steps towards the woman. She stepped back, trembling as
the man got closer. She held her finger tighter and tighter.
“Never!”
retorted the woman. She immediately turned around, pointed her hand towards the
blazing fire, and shouted “Herekeht Ferrno!” The fire
suddenly parted like the Red Sea, making way for her. He ran after her but the
fire partition closed immediately after she passed. Persistent to catch her, he
passed through the fire shielding only his face with his forearm covered with
long red oversized sleeve, his green eyes piercing through it. Though some
parts of his clothes and skin were burnt, he didn’t mind. It’s as if he’s
immune to the pain. He still chased her throughout the burning village until
they reached a dead end.
“Hahahahaha!”
the man’s laughter filled the village, silencing the night crickets.
Tired
from constant running, she could no longer muster the energy to go anywhere.
For a moment, an eerie silence occurred between them. Birds were flying right
above and the wind was blowing really hard. He walked towards her, took out his
hand, grazed her soft pink lips, then stroked her jet black hair. He then said
softly, “There’s no escaping now, my darling Angel. You might as well give up.”
In
return, Angel ran her fingers through his long black hair, held his head, and
pulled it close to her, slightly teasing the man by aiming her lips onto his.
Alas! At the last moment, she turned to his ear and whispered,“Wanna a bet?”
She
then took a big step backwards and raised her right hand in the air while
maintaining the other on her waist. She stared at the ground and mumbled
something. Suddenly, a huge gust of air swirled beneath her feet and started to
form a whirlwind around her. Just as the wind covered her face, she winked at
the handsome man standing there with eyes wide open, watching her disappear in the
whirlwind she, herself, created.
Quite an intriguing write. I really enjoyed it. As said in other reviews posted below, you really capture the reader's attention well. Do add more chapters soon, I'm interested to see what comes next. You said to correct any mistakes, so I thought I would give at least a little advice in that area. For the most part, this reads very well, with few mistakes. I would watch your comma usage though. There seem to be some run on sentences, and sentences that would benefit from adding commas, as it is a bit difficult to break up the sentences and thoughts when reading. For example, I would add a comma to this sentence: "People were running for their lives, carrying their children and possessions they can save as far as they can away from their burning homes." Just reads a little easier. Try reading your work out loud, and look for odd phrasing and sentence structure. If it sounds weird or doesn't flow well, then think about reworking the sentence.
Overall, fantastic job. A great write. As I said before, do write more. I'm intrigued to see where this goes.
"Persistent to catch her, he passed through the fire shielding only his face with his forearm covered with long red oversized sleeve, his green eyes piercing through it."
Major run on sentence there, and are his eyes piercing through a cloth sleeve? or piercing through the fire?
Like I commented on the main book page, try to avoid one-liners when possible. Sometimes its not, but most times there is a bit of flavor you can add in, or merely combine it with another paragraph.
third paragraph: 'they can save' should be 'they could save.' and 'as far away as they can' should be 'as far away as they could'. 'except these two people who looked like they're in their own person bubble where there's no caos happening' should be 'except for those to people who looked like they were in their own personal bubble where there was no caos.'
fourth paragraph: 'the man hasn't shed' should be ;the man hadn't shed'.
Seventh paragraph: 'It’s as if he’s immune to hurt and pain.' should be 'it was as if he was immune to hurt and pain,'
Nineth paragraph: 'then strokes her jet black hair.' should be 'then stroked her jet black hair.'
this is a really good introductory chapter, and it really got me hooked. im thinking: 'is she a witch? what did sh have? why did he want ti? did he set the village on fire?''
so many questions running through my head. which shows very good writing skills. this book is going somewhere, and i can'y wait to see where.
ps, please read my book called 'Burning.' and review it.
~i love the imagery in the description of this entire first Chapter/Prologue. This
piece has just a wonderful mood inside the narrative. You have really placed the reader inside this story in the sense that you feel the surroundings and the characters as you read. This has a superb flow of creativity. Great write!!!~
Quite an intriguing write. I really enjoyed it. As said in other reviews posted below, you really capture the reader's attention well. Do add more chapters soon, I'm interested to see what comes next. You said to correct any mistakes, so I thought I would give at least a little advice in that area. For the most part, this reads very well, with few mistakes. I would watch your comma usage though. There seem to be some run on sentences, and sentences that would benefit from adding commas, as it is a bit difficult to break up the sentences and thoughts when reading. For example, I would add a comma to this sentence: "People were running for their lives, carrying their children and possessions they can save as far as they can away from their burning homes." Just reads a little easier. Try reading your work out loud, and look for odd phrasing and sentence structure. If it sounds weird or doesn't flow well, then think about reworking the sentence.
Overall, fantastic job. A great write. As I said before, do write more. I'm intrigued to see where this goes.
WOW! Very attractive start! I wonder what will happen net! I wish you will publish the next chapter as soon as possible! I gotta finish this book! Your ending is REALLY great, very interesting, and catches readers attention!
I'm a person.
A simple person who goes by the name
Athena Ramos.
I'm a person who dreams a lot
and some says that it's just a waste of time.
But I can't help it!
If i don't dream in my sleep,
.. more..
![[send message]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/mail.png){kind=small}
![[befriend]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/friend.png){kind=small}
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Flag Writing
