The Ring of Mharb

You have a great start going here, but Ch. 6 needs a bit of substance. I think you knew that already though =)

Be careful of using the word "you" in writing, outside of conversations. It just doesn't have a place, since you are directly tying your reader to the story at hand, and you can't assume that the reader will always have a connection to that moment in the story. It will cause readers to lose track of who is speaking, and if you mean them, or maybe someone else in the story at the time.

"Apparently when you take acceleration summer classes, you can finish your thesis by the end of the 7th semester." (Taken from Ch. 2)

"Apparently a person can finish their thesis by the end of the seventh semester when they take accelerated summer classes."

Try to add a bit of flavor to your conversations. Some of them seem like mexican standoffs. Adding a bit of environmental detail or changes in body language can liven a normally boring conversation into something memorable.

“Rya! What’s with the locked door?!” it was Kida banging on the door.

The girl in the red veil stood up and opened the door. “Do you always have to interrupt something?” she asked.

“Hey Angel! What are you doing here?” asked Kida, making her way inside the room as Rya sat down on the floor and picked up some of the mess.

“We were in the middle of something before you interrupted.” answered Angel sounding pretty upset.

^ You will have to work on that yourself as you see fit, but generally one liners like that can leave a conversation feeling rushed and easily forgotten by the reader, making them have to read it over again. This can get tedious after awhile.

Posted 13 Years Ago

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Posted 13 Years Ago

you are doing very well in this, keep it up, writte slowly and with paitent, i will review when i can ^^

Posted 13 Years Ago