College Avenue

an elegy to a past time

Mornings outside on College Avenue
I stared empty onto filled sidewalks
And wondered how every person filled this space with motivation
Desire
Hunger

I was no where close to that
I was a shell
I did not have any further ambition

Look at my calendar
Ever single day has an x
A page dedicated to bills that were past due

Look at my backpack
Pills of Xanax
Poetry book filled with poems about men that came and went

And when I get really sad
I revert to the memory of my favorite place as a child
The playground on Kellogg Park

My mother didn’t love me
My father didn’t want me
But, this was a sanctuary of being able to be my age

On that morning on College Avenue
I looked up from the sidewalk
And realized this s**t was not for me
I wanted to act my age for once
And dropped 3/4 into my semester

That year I did not apply to my doctorate program
That year I tried to patch the holes in my heart and failed
That year I couldn’t afford a real mattress so I slept in an air mattress
That year I was inebriated six out of the seven days

That year will always be a reminder to never sink that far. It is part of my motivation that keeps me going.

This year I am finally applying for my doctorate
This year my heart is not patched up, but it’s full
This year I sleep in a king bed with my children
This year I learned that there are better things to desire than alcohol: myself.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

your poems are in the vein of confessional poetry, that often written by Denise Levertov, Anne Sexton, Plath and others.
All of those things I didn't do...all of those relationships I didn't see through to some expected end.

I like the line of "a sanctuary of being able to be my age"
Your poetry is opening up...blossoms opening up....
j.