The Dragon Lament

I walk alone in this empty place

My calls echo through the silence

Tears flow unbidden down my face

Pain from this unprovoked violence

 

Memories flash in my mind

To places where we were happy

I ask, afraid of what I might find

Because I know the answer unsatisfactory

 

What tore you from my arms?

Was it the chaos in my thoughts?

Was it my corny charms?

It's these answers that i sought

 

But all I found is silence and your cold eyes

Rending me to shreds

Wallowing in your lies

I fumble for the threads

 

Than you felt it right to date him

The guy I thought my friend

Bending to your every whim

Falling, unable to mend

 

I wish to be free from this Hell

This pain is never-ending

You weren't there to catch me when I fell

I guess I was the only one bending

 

So now your with him

And I am alone

You pushed me out to this limb

Destination unknown

 

Sentenced by your decree

With lack of reasons

Exile awaits me

To last the seasons

 

And now I wait to die

Alone and in pain

I loosen a sigh

Slowly going insane

 

As death comes near

I look for my flaw

Facing my fear

I look up in awe

 

"You will never know what brought you this heartache"

He said to me

"Now for your sake,

It's time to flee."

 

I died on the spot

No time for a tear

The Life I sought

Is over I fear.

 

Author's Note

Critique harshly please

Reviews

[Michael Carr]

I really enjoyed it. I can't critique it too harshly as there were no glaring flaws. I will say that sometimes the rhyme scheme seemed a bit rough, even forced, but it is extreamly difficult to pull off rhyming in poetry really well and you neared the mark.
it is an emotional, lengthy but little is wasted, piece. very powerful.
a great ammount of wonderful imagery but sometimes it does seem a bit too focused on grotesque, overly described scenes.
that aside, it was a great piece.

[Laura E. Aranda]

thanks for asking me to read this. Sorry it took so long to get around to it.... I like the first half .it felt real but then it got really depressing at the end and it was like you just gave up.....just my guess......i liked it .the title was really cool! Cheers,lea

[[untitled]]

I can't begin to harshly comment on this, but I will say this, I almost cried feeling the pain in this writing. You are very good!

[Alexander Fox]

Dude, spend less time watching anime? Your kinda grotesque in your descripitions, which would work if they didnt all have such serious or love-affected tones. Make a pain story a pain story, with no graphic images of violent death, for the pain you feel is the LACK of violent death, which is it's self much worse and you overlook it trying to find words to express it. Good Tempo, great vocabulary, and remind me 2 give you my edgar allen poe collection when I see you next bro. He captures the torment of lack of torment better then any other poet i can bring to mind currently. Anyways, great work. But you could be much greater.

[Celestine Astraea Fires..]

"But all I found is silence and your cold eyes" - in this line change "is" to "was" because you are talking in past tense throughout the poem

"Renting me to shreds" - "Renting" isn't the right word, did you mean "Rendering"?

"Than you felt it right to date him" - Omit "Than" and make this line "You felt it right to date him". You really don't want to keep it because it's like a never-ending story type set-up. Example "This happened. Then this happened. Then this happened". You just want to make the statement.


Otherwise, powerful imagery in this piece. I concur with He@ther & Basketball Girl.

[He@ther!]

This really is very well written:) Its gloomy and sad, but at the same time its romantic:)

"And now I wait to die

Alone and in pain

I loosen a sigh

Slowly going insane"

Powerful imagery!!!:)

[SamBug]

Beautifully done. You're an amazing writer!