Jornal entry about a girl

Some thoughts on my current situation.

I feel like the powers of fate and mystery are playing tricks on me. In one sense I felt that fate brought me out to New Hampshire and allowed me the opportunity to have the time to do so. On the other hand I feel mystery enticed me to try and discover something I have long sensed could be great. Now that I am here and I sit alone in a house only 300 yards from where you are resting in your bed. I’m here but I’m not with you. So I come to think that maybe this world is just testing the balance and molding the flow of the forces that brought me here. I’m not entirely sure why I am here. It would have been easier to stay at home and pretend there wasn’t a girl calling me away. That would have been the easy choice. At this moment I feel. I feel everything. I think back to times when I would have given anything to not feel. This isn’t one of them. I want it all. I want to know that I’m alive and by coming here putting myself out there in hopes of winning in an impossible situation that I truly am alive. To me doing so exemplifies life. The ultimate Rush is not flying down a mountain at 90mph but putting your soul and heart on the line and asking the world to give you something in return. I sit here writing and pondering these thoughts and emotions that draw me to you. I think of what you’re thinking of. Am I so insecure to think I’m nothing but a dot on your radar a small inconcivable dot that means nothing to you. Am I just body and mind with no substance to occupy your thoughts? Maybe that’s all I am. I hope that isn’t the case. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic in the sense that I search for something I know to be true and if I think it’s there do I fall for it too quickly? Maybe so. Is that a bad thing though? Should I be afraid or ashamed of it? If I wasn’t built the way I am and always searching for true happiness and love would I be the waste of humanity I so often despise. If I am right and love is the ultimate form of life and finding that and living in it is the ultimate rush then I would be stupid to not think the way I am. To not sit and wonder if you feel for me the way I think I feel for you. It would be a crime against myself. These are ultimately questions I will never know the answer too unless you revel them to me. So maybe that is why I am here to unveil the secrets that sit in wait. To challenge myself as a human with not my body but my heart on the line. Or is this all folly and the only driving force within me is chemical and I’m just a horny young man looking for something that exists in a purely physical plain. In honest thought I’m searching for something that doesn’t exist and that is the clairvoyance to understand what hasn’t been reveled. Wouldn’t that be the biggest crime of all. Cheating life from happening. If I stick to what I promised myself to do and live and experience all that I can, then I want this suffering. I want to let the world play this game. If it is all just a game then the obvious would be I can win and I can loose. Either outcome is a given. Which one I get is up to fate. I can only control my mind and even that has a way of playing tricks on you. So the only thing I can really do is be here in this hour of self doubt and appreciate the fact that I am alive, I am human and when it comes to two people the only side you know is yourself. Understanding that will ultimately tell the tale in your favor because we really only have ourselves in this world. we just get the opportunity to share the experience with another if the world sees it fit.