To Find a Friend

A kind of sad story about a young girl who finds a friend during the last few minutes of her life.

There are times when I look at other people and can't believe how wonderful their lives are. They have parents that love them, a good home and maybe even pets. And do you know what bothers me, they still complain. You can't talk to a normal teen without them mentioning how mean their parents are or how they can't get a new designer set of clothes. I would give everything to be in their situation.

"Chandra!" A voice sharply sounded in my ear. I turned around to see Kyra (my best friend) staring at me. "Pay attention for once in your life, will ya? Five bucks says you were day-dreaming again."

"Sorry." I weakly muttered, and turned my head to the front of the classroom. Mr. Burne was in the middle of explaining about the Pythagorean theorem. Which, in case you didn't know, has something to do with math(Don't worry, at first I was confused too.).

Anyway, he was just starting something about a hypotenuse (or a hippo, I can't really remember) when the bell sounded. I grabbed my text-book and raced out of school.

I walked up the sidewalk for a while and passed some really old houses that were most likely haunted. Once I can to corner, I stopped and looked over my shoulder. No one was near by so I run down the street and ducked into a hedge. Twigs pierced my hands and knees as I crawled through.

Once I wrestled the hedge, I found myself in the "poor" neighborhood. Graffiti and dirt clung to the old run down buildings that lined the streets. Small clusters of people hid, their faces covered, in the small, dark alleyways. I walked along, quietly, without looking up.

Before long I came to an old, pretty much junkish building. I opened the door and walked in.

"Brat! Is that you!" A voice yelled from another room.

"Yeah, mom." I replied coldly.

"What did I tell you about calling me mom?! I may have given birth to you, but I didn't want you, so you're not my kid." My grumbling mom yelled.

"Sorry...um...Suzette." I mumbled as I threw my books down on a small, dirty table.

"That's better. Now, get me some more rum!" Mom/Suzette ordered from her bug infested bed.

I walked to the kitchen, opened one of the cabinets and pulled out two giant bottles of beer. I carefully transported them to my "mother's" already shaky hands.

"Here." I looked at my "mom". She was a mess. Her thick black hair stuck out everywhere, she looked as if she hadn't had a bath in years and was about 50 lbs overweight. In one of her grubby hands she held a remote for the little T.V that stood on a dresser at the other end of the room. I shook my head and went to my room, anticipating the fun I would have later.



                                    *          *          *

            "BRAT!" A drunken woman, called from the doorway. It took a moment to register that it was my "mom". "Git up, ya little slacker!" She threw an empty bottle of beer at me. It crashed against the wall, a few inches from my head.

            "Why you!" My "mom" raced across the room, punching and kicking me. I crawled to the corner of the room and held my hands up, trying to block the blows. Tears ran down my, now bleeding, cheeks. Pain gripped me, all over. It wasn't the first time my mom had beat me, and if it was her way it wouldn't be the last. She had beat me everyday since my dad died, and that was over two years ago.

            I usually just let her beat me, I didn't want to hurt my own mom, but today was different. Today, I'd had enough. I brought back my fist and swung it forward, hitting my mom square in the face. She backed away, stunned.

            I took her surprise with force, racing past her like a cheetah. I ran out the house and down the streets. I ran and ran and ran until I could run no more. I gasped for breath, pausing to look where I was. Brightly colored tents stood on one side to the road. "A circus!" I thought gleefully.

I remembered what Kyra had told me about the circus. About the elephants, clowns and acrobats. And the horses. "All that other stuff is just fine." Kyra had told me long ago. "But the horses, you should see them Chandra, are absolutely beautiful!" She told me about the riders that balanced upon the horse backs, while doing flips and jumps. About the clicking sound the horses hooves made when they touched the ground and the way their fur shinned like polished jewels.

I walked beside the tents, looking for the beautiful horses Kyra loved. Blood ran down my cheeks, arms and legs. I knew I needed to go to the hospital, but that was expensive and I didn't have any money. My last wish, my very last wish, was to see the horses. A soft snorting sound, broke the quiet of the air. I turned to the small tent beside me, and limped inside.

A steel fence circled the tent and I had to drag my broken and battered body over it. When I finally got a chance to look around, I saw something I had always dreamed of seeing. Six pure white horses stood at the other end of the circled in area. Their silky manes and tails seemed to glimmer from the moonlight. Kyra had not done these marvelous beasts justice in her description, my heart caught in my throat.

Then I noticed something. Shaded by darkness an old, grey horse lay, breathing his last. I hobbled over to it, feeling something connect. At first I thought it was the fact that both of us where pretty much done for good, but then I noticed the angry red lines that crossed along its back. It too had been beaten. Tears welled up in my eyes, why was it that this beautiful creature had gotten beaten.

I lay down beside it, resting my head in it's silky mane. It looked at me strangely at first than it lay it's giant head upon my shoulders and there we lay, two beaten, dying creatures until the merciful death sleep over came us.

Author's Note

Just the usual. Forgive any grammar/spelling issues, other than that any constructive criticism is appreciated. :D

Reviews

[D. Moore]

I'm not a big fan of grammar, so I have nothing to say on that part. Now about the actual story, I think it is amazing. It's sad, yes, but as the end draws near, it is great to know that she could leave the world in peace, next to another innocent victim, as opposed to dying in the uncomfortable and dangerous environment that was her 'home'.

[Charlie]

I like it yes it has grammar and spelling issues, but the story itself has a nice rhythm and I like the twist at the end. Your a writer with great promise.

[Jude]

wow nearly bought me to tears...i'm just wishing and with all my heart that there aren't people as miserable as that...it's sad to think that she found her home at the very end and you bought up some sort of friendship i haven't thought of..friendship between humans and animals...creative!!

This is a very good start. The rest of this review is a bit nitpicky, to be honest. I mean all this in the nicest way possible.

Spme of your sentences, particularly at the start, could have been structured a little better. "I turned around to see Kyra (my best friend) staring at me" is one example. You don't want to have too many little asides put in brackets because it comes across as if your viewpoint character is immature or talking down to the reader. For sentences like these, you can just structure it something like this: "I turned around to see my best friend, Kyra, staring at me." Variations are good, too, but use brackets sparingly.

For this part: '"Sorry." I weakly muttered, and turned my head to the front of the classroom', I thought you could get rid of the 'weakly' and it'd sound stronger.

Also, with your part about the Pythagorean Theorem, you don't need to go into too many details. Just saying that the teacher was talking about that theorem is probably enough, though I didn't mind most of the sentence where the teacher was talking about the hypotenuse, though you could've written it something like: "Anyway, he was just starting something about a hypotenuse, or something like hippo, when the bell sounded."

The next part about the abusive mother was also something like a diamond in the rough, to use an old saying. The use of exclamation marks seemed a little too much and lost their effect pretty early on. If you could tone them down a little, it might look better. For when the mother calls the daughter "Brat" you could leave them in. I think that part is effective. Maybe, for some of the commands, you could add some "Now!"s and that sort of thing so exclamation marks make more sense, because the mother is yelling. You already knew that, since it's your story.

In the part where the mother starts beating your viewpoint character, I think this needs a little work. You could possibly draw out the leadup to the actual fight. Maybe the girl, since you wrote that she'd had enough, makes a smart-aleck comment that sends her mother into the rage. That'd make for a smoother transition, I think. Also, if you think you can handle the violence, you could add more description of the actual fight.

I liked the last part quite a lot, actually. However, I think you need to add more about your character limping and being in pain. This part: "I knew I needed to go to the hospital, but that was expensive and I didn't have any money" I think could be tightened up a little. Maybe you could write something like: "I knew I was dying and needed to get to a hospital, but it was so expensive. Would they let me in if they found out I couldn't pay them?"

The very last section was very good, especially the last paragraph. There were a few grammar problems throughout, but they're easy to fix. Your English teacher should be able to help you with that, if you're still at school.

I hope you continue your writing. Just keep at it. We're all still learning, and I know sometimes the things I write don't always end up perfect. That's life, for you. By the way, you don't have to write exactly what I wrote in the examples I gave you. They're just really rough, quick ideas for your future use. Good luck, and I hope I didn't offend you with this incredibly long and nitpicky review.