Falling in Love on the Bus Stop

Silence enveloped them, although he was sure he could hear her heartbeat. Slow and steady. Almost calm. Calm… Like the wind meandering through the messy strands of brunette covering her head. Her widening eyes scoured the book laid out in her lap, and he realised that the corners of his mouth had turned up at the way she leant towards it, as though she desired to be closer to the words in front of her. Almost as though she believed that if she minimised the proximity between herself and the story, its beauty may soon devour her.

His daydreaming must have caused an involuntary giggle, as she turned her head swiftly, and smiled. Smiled... But this was like no smile he’d seen before. Was a woman’s smile supposed to make him feel weak, as though its intensity had disintegrated the bones which tenanted his body? Was he simply insane? As she gazed at him, he lost himself into the maze of vivid greens and blues and yellows that lay inside her eyes. He found himself deep inside the maze when she turned from him, locking him within. Every time he slept he was reminded why one should never fall in love, for when he dreamed, he was consumed by the colours of her eyes. He grew to hate green, and he grew to despise love songs.

Author's Note

Feedback would be great guys! I attempted to produce a more subtle story; eg. instead of saying things outright I hinted at things. I tried to explain this 5 minute narrative half-exaggerating, not using names in an attempt to mask identities, and show only the emotion in this story. Thank you!

Reviews

[someonesomeone]

I see what you've tried to do, but it's lost some of its effect in the process.

A reader needs something to grasp to, such as an strong image, or a symbol.

I noticed it in your opening paragraph. It was too vague and didn't draw the reader in. Silence is ungraspable, as an existent and a word. It gives no image for the reader to grab and hold in their mind.

It should be done in the way you mention her hair and eyes, that is good.

That is something that the reader can grasp.

You also use good diction, "Like the wind meandering through the messy strands of..."

You're a student, like I am.

I hope that we can exchange critique in the future.

(Smiley face)

[asialworgan]

Awesome, thanks for the criticism. I see what you're saying and I agree, although I was attempting to put all of the reader's focus on the exchange of emotion (or lack of) rather than mere description. It didn't work out brilliantly but I'm unsure of how else to create abstract prose concerning emotion.
Thanks again for your help

[someonesomeone]

Honestly, a good lecturer will give you feedback on your writing. He'll explain where it's too vague, or overly complicated.

Try being self-critical when you read it.

If you find that when you're reading, that the scenes become too jumbled or confusing. Try making it more clear.

What year of literature studies are you in?