Until I'm Just Right

I really hope that when I die

I become the ocean on the shore

So that I can still be who I am

In a different shape than before

When you should dip you toes in me

You’ll say I’m or cold or rough

You‘ll just watch from the shore

And wait until I’m warm enough

But if you decide to swim

Despite the wind or bitter bite

I’ll be sure its worth your time

And the waves- just right

I wont always be the biggest wave

I’ll be the nightly seaside song

You wont always notice I’m there

But you certainly miss me if I’m gone

Author's Note

first draft! tell me what you think!

Reviews

[ambur]

"When you should dip you toes in me
You’ll say I’m or cold or rough"

These need to be revised. And the last stanza, the flow doesn't fit the rest of the poem. But for the most part I love this piece.

[HorrorMaster]

i like it

[SilentVerses]

Like the honesty and meanings hidden beneath the waves of your words, to get to know you beneath the exterior of a hardened mind wizened by experience is worth it, you are more than they think and though many know you there are few who brave you, when you leave you would like to stay in memory and therefore still here as is the ocean constant and free though not always what we expect. Very fluid.

[CameronDavidson]

Just stumbled across you on the 'online writers' section. Picked a piece by random. Loved every second. That last stanza was just beautiful. It's almost so straightforward it's genius but also really powerful.

[Liz]

I'd have to say the first and last stanzas are definitely my favorite. Which is a compliment because the first and last stanzas should be the strongest in a poem.
You did a good job describing how you want your life-after-death experience to be(:

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the poem. My goal is my ashes to be tossed into the sea. The place where I felt the most peace. My Grandfather told us. "Toss my ashes at Bell Isle. (A small island for Detroit people to swim and play) If you are lucky. I will come and see you there." I like the description of the ocean. To be a spirit of the sea would be a great honor. A excellent poem.
Coyote

[Daydreamer54]

Very poetic! I like it! great job! :)

[SarahCortland]

this is great! good job

[Dream Weaver]

This is sooo lovely, I wouldn't change a thing.
Love the rhyming as it flowed easily and great
imagery...

[Robin]

I like it ! the sea is always a great backdrop ~