Two roads diverged in a wood.

An adolescent female keeps finding herself in a hole that is getting deeper and deeper. She needs some type of distraction to take her mind away from reality...

She has been downstairs in the basement for hours remodeling. She has worked herself to death. Exhausted, she sprawls out on the new leather love seat she has ever so neatly placed in front of the ping-pong table and across from the mini-fridge. Looking around, she feels a slight bit of accomplishment. But not even two minutes later, she finds herself crying. Oh, but she wasn't just crying, she was bawling, gasping for breath in between the loud sobs. She hadn't cried like this since her mother first told her that she hated her.

These sudden tears sprouted from a fairy-tale dream that she was forcing herself to believe would someday come true. For almost eleven months she fantasized every time she could get a chance. She really did believe that one day her dream would make it's way to reality. But she has now realized that it has come to a slow, painful end. To think that all this time she was spending worrying, pondering, and being just as optimistic as it gets, just to have it all come crashing down right in front of her eyes.

Tears are rushing down her face as if they were apart of Niagara Falls. She rocked back and forth, holding her face in her hands. She tried so hard to choke back her tears and get it together. But instead she found herself hyper ventilating, getting lightheaded, knowing she was going to throw-up. She was fully aware that she was, yet again, having another panic attack. She tries to calm herself down. "Just breath," she told herself. She just could not stop shedding tear after tear. For some reason she just cannot seem to pull it together. It might just have something to do with the fact that she has come to the hard realization that she is about to lose the one person she loves the most in this world.

They met mid June of last year. Her close cousin, (the only person she really has in her life), had arranged plans to entertain some friends at a late night bonfire. She was quite anxious, just like every other time she had to meet new people. She wasn't a big people person, but that day she met several. He was the last to show up, and she was the last to greet him. She tried to hide her uncontrollable shaking, hoping no one would notice. Moment after his arrival everyone separated out among the front yard. She stayed put, and sat down in the grass where her feet were just heavily planted. He casually climbed in the tree above her as they made small talk. She had this weird feeling about him...but she couldn't quite place it. At that point in time plans changed and they all decided to go out for pizza.

After arriving at the pizza restaurant, they took their seats. She made very little conversation with everyone, but when she spoke to him she kept it a little flirtatious. She wasn't completely sure why, because after all she had just met this guy not even an hour ago. While keeping her silence, she couldn't help but think back to that weird feeling she got about him, which she still felt slightly. She just knew that this was a new, different feeling...something she had never felt before. She was positive that she would have to keep this to herself and herself only. 

The next following days she thought about him occasionally. She just couldn't understand why though. Being stressed constantly, she was glad to get her mind off of her home life, as well as school drama. She is that girl at school who has close to no friends. She gets bullied everyday. And she rather be at school than go home, if that says anything about her life at home. She didn't even call it home, she referred to it as hell. So she is perfectly fine with distractions...but why him? She pondered it several times before coming to a conclusion. She excused it just as one more thing to take her from reality, because she sure as hell did not believe in love at first sight. After making that justification, she would later realize that it wasn't love at first sight, it was the sight of knowing she would end up falling in love. 

Weeks would pass and she'd tend to take every chance she got to see him, hoping that he would think nothing of it. But he eventually found out how she felt, although she wasn't even quite sure about how she felt towards him. She figured that it was just a little school girl crush and it would pass. But it wasn't. It was more than that.

Her home life was getting worse by the day. Everything was weighing so heavily on her shoulders, bringing her down. So she made plans to see him again. Everyone from the bonfire came to hang out, and when evening came everyone packed up an left. She enjoyed the time she got to spend with him, just like every other. But she ended taking things overboard. She took things into her own hands because she felt like she had no where else to turn. She didn't want to feel anything anymore.

  Her life had been a s**t storm ever since she could recall. And she always thought that everything that was going on was normal. Like everything was fine. But in the past few years she had realized that none of it was okay. And it never was. She was just losing herself in a hole that just kept getting deeper by the second. She figured that she would never be able to pull herself out. Leading herself to make the biggest mistake she had ever made in her life. Leaving herself in the hospital for twelve days.

She hadn't spoke to him in three months. It was killing her. But deep down, she was too scared to speak a single word to him. But she got the courage to apologize for something she could never forgive herself for. He said he forgave her and they spent Halloween evening together. She was extremely happy. 

They spoke on and off the next following months. Once she got her phone she talked to him everyday. She called once a day and text afterwards. She loved him. He knew it. He said he loved her too. This went on for quite some time. But she saw that he seemed to be throwing out distance recently. She knows. He is gonna drop her like a bag of dirt. He cares, and she knows...but she's always known that she wasn't worth his time. She wants him to be happy. She wants him to live his life.

This is where she has now found herself:

Downstairs in the basement for hours remodeling. She has worked herself to death. Exhausted, she sprawls out on the new leather love seat she has ever so neatly placed in front of the ping-pong table and across from the mini-fridge. Looking around, she feels a slight bit of accomplishment. But not even two minutes later, she finds herself crying. Oh, but she wasn't just crying, she was bawling, gasping for breath in between the loud sobs. She hadn't cried like this since her mother first told her that she hated her.

Reviews

[AaronFreitas]

This is a very good write Ashley. "She was just losing herself in a hole that just kept getting deeper by the second." There are some deep, dark lines in this story... loved the way you told it. Good work :)

[ashleymarie]

Thank you very much!

[Cool Girl]

That's so sad........ But then again, I swear that sometimes, sadness is all I can feel.

[ashleymarie]

Yeah. I obviously know the feeling.

[Cool Girl]

It's okay.. We can overcome sadness together..okay? I just need you to trust me to get you through this..

[ashleymarie]

Okay...I trust you

[Cool Girl]

Good :)