Colorless Visions

Written March 26, 2010 for my Senior English Class

I sat down; I could not fathom the joy that this moment between us was bringing to me. Belonging to you, I sat upon our silky laced bed sheets. If the butterflies were a cliché, I could have flown away with how many were inside of my tummy. It felt as if my small tummy would explode if there was any more flying around inside. You played me a song on your old acoustic guitar, all I could hear was your and that guitar that summer night. You stroked the cords as if you were telling a story, a story only we understood. Closing my eyes, you played each cord and you sang each note perfectly. Two people, completely different views become united as one, it was love.

          I see the way we have changed and how long it has gotten us to get to the place that we now stand. I want none of this to end; I want to stay young forever. I want nothing more to be the inspiration you need as you sing your pretty songs. I want you to feel the love that I am blessed with by you. I hummed as your fingertips gently stroke the guitar on your final song, and smiled as you sat the guitar down.  I watched as you moved closer to me and touched my trembling hands as you taught me how to play. We fell in sync and everything around us disappeared and we were the only ones in our room, the room where everything would soon fall apart, and the room where my secrets would be let out. And this is where he begins our story, our cold brittle story.

          The sky was a shade of gray that morning that I never knew existed. I watched her angelic face rest on my chest and her arm gently across her side. Sophie Rose’s beauty was immensely magnificent, if only she could see the beauty that I saw in her each and every moment. I wish that I could have gotten rid of the monsters in her head. As she gently woke, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I was going to the kitchen. Five minutes later I heard her Mother scream, I ran towards Sophie’s bedroom as my glass of orange juice shattered onto the floor. There she was my gorgeous and perfect girlfriend, on her hands and knees with her fingers inside of her mouth to the wrist; I could not help but watch as she vomited into the toilet. I did not know what to say, and either did her Mother we just sat in awe as we watched a perfect angel mutilate herself. Halfway though, she began to cry I imagined that this was hurting her more than us. Seeing now, her wrists and the small cuts that I never seemed to notice, I never realized until now that she always seemed to wear long sleeve shirts. I don’t remember when, but I began to cry in silence, teardrops rolled down my cheeks and hit the floor like running water. Seeing what had become of her, I could not fathom that this was the perfect angelic girl that I have loved for the previous three years. She wore nothing but a towel and it soon fell off of her, as I stood in amazement of how skinny she had gotten. Her ribcage shown and there was barely any meat to her. I could not help but make a sound, I cried in anger, in hurt, in sorrow, I cried because I didn’t know what else to do, was this my fault? Had I made her believe that perfection was the only way for me to love her?

          With every second that passed, I could only think of the past three years and why I had never thought to ask her why she turned into the person she now was. When I first met her, her idea of perfection wasn’t strong. Yes, she did her hair weekly and she had to be dressed as if she was going to be photographed, but I never thought that it would turn into an obsession. It was all in time, that this girl, the girl whom I have loved since the first day I met her at the gas station, was killing herself slowing inside before my very eyes and I couldn’t do anything but watch her. It was like there was a glass shield between us and although it kept shattering, nothing I could do nor say would allow me to get to her. It was then she slowly turned around and looked at her mother and I. Her face looked like she saw a ghost; she quickly threw her towel around her and insisted that she was feeling ill. Those eyes of hers could have made someone believe anything she said, but after witnessing what I had, I knew there was something more to this than an “illness”. Sophie Rose was the girl I was going to marry, and I knew that regardless of this sickness she was going through, I would and will marry her one day. Her mother slowly walked away, and I realized that I needed to fix this. I bent down to Sophie and wiped away her tears and kissed her broken face. A sick happiness came upon me as she turned and kissed me. Hugging her body and lifting her up I took her into our bed and tucked her in. It was then that I realized I had no idea what to say or how to say it. I waited; I sat on top of the covers and held her hand. I realized that she was as lost as I was at the perfect words, the words to make this moment disappear and for us to be as happy as we were last night. If only I had known of the pain that had been smothering her, I may have been able to stop her. If only see realized how much I loved her and how she didn’t have to be perfect for me to want her.

          She smiled softly as I touched her cheek, it seemed that I could not do anything but stare. It was an hour later when she finally said, “I just wanted to be perfect for you, I didn’t want to have you forget me when you saw prettier girls, I wanted you to love me as much as possible, I needed you to need me, I love you so much but I never know the feelings you have for me, I cannot bare to be imperfect”. At the sound of these words I broke down, I cried heavier and heavier until finally I just couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped from the bed, and forcefully pulled up the rug and opened the unknown floor board where I hid the diamond ring I would have given to her, in just three weeks.

          “This is the ring that I wanted to give you, I never expected you to be perfect baby, we all have our flaws, and for god’s sake I never wanted this to happen to you. I love you, no matter what or how you look! I don’t care if you’re not a size zero, or if you hair isn’t perfect. None of that is important to me, what is important to me is that you are happy, that you know I love you for you, what is important to me is that I want you to be my wife, the mother of my children, and the girl I grow old with. You are just not some girl I causally am dating, can’t you see the way I love you each and every moment I breathe? ”, I said this so slowly and she watched me get on my hands and knees as I gave her the ring. We sat in silence and we both emerged into a deep kiss, a kiss that blew fish out of water and the dead out of the ground.

          I could not sleep later that night, I held her in my arms a little tighter than usual. We spoke of our past and of the obstacles we have faced. We both agreed that this was just another obstacle and we could get through it. After she fell asleep, I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off of her. Even in the night, the light shown through the window showed her angelic face still glowing with beauty. It wasn’t until she woke up at 7:23AM that I realized what we had to do. I helped her dress and we went down to the fireplace, it was there that we discussed the pain she was enduring and what I had to do to fix it, it was there that I realized this angelic creature that I so many times had called “perfect” was just a girl with a broken soul, a girl who loved me as much as I loved her and who didn’t need to be a perfect ten for me to love.