A Suicidal Mind

Well if I had not passed then I don't think I would be here for this article.

One day, while I was crossing the road lane with my bicycle in very busy traffic, suddenly an extreme speed motorbike hit me. To tell precisely nothing happened except the small bump in my head and the wreck of my cycle handle. Strangely on that night, I thought I will be better dead off in that accident is the second suicidal episodic thought.

Here are a million ways to die in this sinful world. Accidents, diseases, ageing, natural calamities etc are the leading cause of death. And still, one chooses suicide over ending one's life. When a person does not have a will to live anymore and the act of killing oneself is suicide.

The unpayable debt, failing at school, the loss of a person, complications in a love relationship, financial problems, et cetera are the various factors pulling one's from falling.


The first time I ever experience was when I was 14 years old. I used to like this girl, whom I have been starting to develop a feeling for her for since 2 years back. She was beautiful and kind by nature. Additionally, she was a bright student, any boy would easily fall for her.
I tried not to fall for her by tricking my brain as we weren't meant for each other, but of course, love does not seems to work that way. We belong to different casts, classes and religions which makes me feel we won't be together. Maybe that might be the reason I couldn't express myself.

The same unexpressed love which guides and motivates me also started to make me feel suffering and pain. At one point I felt that I should kill myself for her to prove my love.

Depression feels like emptiness in a whole mysterious universe. It eats you up from inside out. It sucks the passion, and desire and leaves you with nothing except an emotionless body. It is a disease - which kills the willing to live.


The second time was a failure. I fail in a study that I thought I could easily pass.

What does it feels like when you know that tomorrow gonna be sunshine and when tomorrow actually comes the probability of the weather you guess might come as surprise but what if it comes with a hailstorm and snow happening all of a sudden. The same thing comes to pass me. It was beyond anticipation.

The thought is planted much earlier than the actual day of knowing it. When there is a thought of suicide in one's mind to live is just suffering. One can't see the big picture and it takes a lifetime to know what is lying ahead.


The third time was a continuous failure.

This happens when you do your best every time and still couldn't catch up. The effort will decrease and the expectations start to stay low which gives a negative result. And it again makes one feel weak and worthless.

Unbearable past trauma that hunts, unescapable present suffering and uncertain future insecurities can lead to a suicidal mind.
If you were to ask me what I've been doing those days or years, it's easy I had been planning for the perfect suicide. But now slowly everything begins to shift.


According to a general and forensic psychiatrist, Dr. Tracy Marks the signs of depression are listed for 9 points for the necessary characteristic to look at. They are 1. depressed mode (sad, hopeless, feeling empty inside), 2. anhedonia (can't enjoy things), 3. appetite change (weight gain, weight loss), 4. insomnia or hypersomnia (trouble falling asleep / sleeping more than regular sleep), 5. slowed or restless, 6. low energy, 7. worthless or guilty, 8. poor concentration/focus & 9. suicidal thoughts (passive suicidality / active suicidality). The depressed fellow must have five of nine elements for at least 2 weeks and the symptoms are present at least most of the day and present almost every single day. So, they're just not fleeting.

From the above traits, I was strongly hit by seven out of nine.
The classical sociologist Emile Durkheim (1858 -1917) on Suicide (1897) emphasises that the force, which determines suicide, is not psychological but social. He concludes that suicide is the result of social disorganisation or lack of social integration or social solidarity.

Suicidal failure attempt is the loudest crying out for help.


Suicide is the consciousness only to be developed in the hardest circumstance. It is an individual instinct developed by the mind for the easy way out for the processing to live. Suicide is not the act of possibility but rather the absence of it. Without life, there is no possibility.

Suicide is not the corrupt mind but the constant fight between destiny and free will. It proves that the human decision is the mere intention rather than predestination. But it is not the way of proving it for the sake of doing it rather one must self realize the ethical value of life.

Trust me Suicide doesn't break the cycle of pain instead it repeats the same mistake done by the victims. To overcome one must live. It is destructive so one must cope with it to find order in the chaos. Survival itself is another general instinct.