Chapter 2

SETH

It started out as a normal Wednesday night. I was reading my book in the living room and texting some friends. My mom and dad were watching the news on the TV. My older sister Rain was in her room talking to her friends.

It was the first of July. Even though Portland is typically cold, during the summer it does get hot here and we had fans in every room blasting us with cold air.

I usually ignore the news and I completely would have if I hadn’t heard her name. The moment I heard her name, I snapped out of my book and came to attention. My parents had been talking about who knows what but their attention was now on the TV as well. My dad quickly turned the TV up and we all sat in silence staring at the TV.

“A local teenage girl, Stephanie Marble was hit by a speeding car today over on 52nd ave. She was on her way to the local bookstore ‘Freedom’ and was crossing the street to get there when a car came speeding toward her. Despite the efforts of a few witnesses to warn her, she had no time to escape the impact of the car. The driver made an enormous effort to stop but was unable to do so. He ended up crashing into a nearby pole after hitting young Stephanie. Emergency crews were quick to show up to the tragic scene and were astounded to find young Stephanie still alive. She was rushed to a hospital where she is now in critical condition, fighting for her life once again. Over a year ago, Stephanie was shot four times inside her home after startling an intruder. While in the hospital recovering from the injury, she discovered she had acute lymphocytic leukemia. After fifteen months, Stephanie became cancer free. Once again, poor Stephanie has to fight for her life. Our prayers are with her and her family as we wait and see. Back to you, Joe,” said the newscaster on the screen.

The news continued, but I didn’t take in any of it in. I didn’t know she had been shot or that she had had cancer... and now seemed like such a random time to find out, just after she had been struck by another tragedy. I couldn’t help but wonder how she was. How could all that happen to such a sweet girl? I hadn’t thought of her in forever. I ignored her, in fact. I ignored all of them. It’s not like they’re any better. In sixth grade I started anew. I decided to become a new person and now I am. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself, but then I look again and I can still see remnants of who I was. I try to hide those parts as much as possible.

When we first started middle school, Steph would wave and say hi to me in the halls. I started to ignore her, though. At first we were all still friends, but then my friends started making fun of them and would say things like, "Why are you friends with such a freak?” or “Ditch her fat a*s already, dude.”

I felt cool with them and so I started to go along with it. They did that with most my friends. Cole, Will, and I still see them from time to time, but when our groups hang out we make sure to avoid one another. It’s like we are each reminders to each other of the life we once lived, of who we once were, and we don’t want any of those reminders.

We’re starting high school next year. That’s three years since we all split apart. Most of us found our new place, but Steph didn’t. She never found a new group. She didn’t move on. I always wondered why but there was an unspoken rule that we must not talk to one another on friendly terms. It just was there. We had all moved on and it should stay that way...At least almost all of us had.

I can’t believe how much Steph has gone through. I wonder if I would have treated her differently if I had known. I wonder why she hadn’t told me. Oh right, the rule.

I finally noticed my parents were staring at me worriedly. I guess I had been lost in my own thoughts for a while. I wondered if Steph would make it through. I prayed to God she would. A world without Steph didn’t sound good at all. Yet, again my life has been Steph free, along with all my other old friends' lives, so I don’t really know what I’m talking about.

“Seth? Hey, Seth? Are you okay?” my mom kept saying over and over again.

Finally I answered, “Yeah, I’m fine. I just can’t believe what happened to Steph. Did you know about, well, all that?”

“No, I haven’t really talked to her parents since, well, you guys all stopped hanging out.”

“It all makes since now though,” my dad said.

“What makes since now?” I asked him, thoroughly confused.

“Well, her parents both have been working two jobs for a while now and there have been several periods of time I didn’t see Stephanie around town at all. Also there have been a few times that I have been driving past their house and I’ve seen teachers from your middle school arriving and leaving. Now I know why.”

“I hope that poor child is okay. Walter, we should see if Marissa and Andrew need anything.”

“Yes dear, we will find out tomorrow. Let’s turn in for the night though. Night, son. Sleep well,” my dad said on his way out. My mom followed him, giving me a kiss on the way.

I went to bed soon after them, hoping sleep would bring me some peace. I couldn’t stop thinking about Steph and everything that had happened to her. It made no sense to me. Why should I even care? I’ve treated her horribly over the last few years.

...

I have treated her horribly. I have.

Others may have as well, but I just stood by and watched. I did nothing to help her. I did nothing to end her torment. I only added to it. She had already been going through so much and none of us had known. But did that really matter?

We had still treated her badly. I had still treated her badly. There is no excuse for that. There’s no excuse for doing that to anybody, let alone someone like Steph. Steph would help everybody in the world if she could. Even when I was so mean to her, she would still flash a small smile at me in the hall, but in return, I'd say some nasty thing to her, give her some mean look, or ignore her altogether. All of it beyond horrible. All of it to so many people, some of whom I used to be friends with. But I had saved the worst for Steph, it seemed. It seemed like we all did.

I knew what I wanted to do. I just also knew I couldn’t do it. But wait. Why couldn’t I? There really wasn’t really a reason I couldn’t other than the fact that my friends would probably make fun of me for doing it. They’d probably get mad at me. I didn’t want that. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t allow myself to do it. That’s why I couldn’t go visit her. It was quite simple, actually. I liked my friends and I would lose a lot of credibility with them if I were to go.

No matter what I did though, I couldn’t stop thinking about going to visit her and seeing how she was doing. I tried not to. I tried everything. I even tried to go to bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep. Eventually I did. It was around four in the morning by then, though. Even after I fell asleep, thoughts of Steph invaded my dreams.

I saw myself bullying her. I saw her getting shot. I saw her going through cancer treatment. I saw her getting hit by the car, sometimes even with me as the driver. It was neverending. I never thought I could be so happy to wake up when I finally did. I had only slept for four hours. I couldn’t believe it. I was still tired, but there was no way I was going to fall asleep and dream anymore about Steph. I forced myself to get up and start getting ready for the day.

I had never called what I did bullying someone, but now I realized that was what I had been doing. I knew what I had to do. I knew what I wanted to do. I just had to figure out what I wanted more, my new friends or my old friends. I know my new friends would never be friends with me if I went to see Steph. I just knew it. I looked in the bathroom mirror at myself. I looked for a long time. I hadn’t done this in forever. I used to be able to see parts of the old me still showing, but I hadn’t seen the old me in a while. Only the new me.

I liked the new me, didn’t I? My new friends were awesome. It had been about three years now since we had been friends and we'd had some great times, hadn't we? The old me wouldn’t have ever considered some of the stuff we did as fun, but did the new me?

...

No, not really.

How much had I been faking? How much had I lied to myself about? The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I had been pretending to love the popularity when I really actually just hated it. I had convinced myself that this was what I wanted.

Was it though? Did I want something else?

This was why I never thought of Steph. She had a way of making you want to be better. She made me want to be better because she was so nice and thoughtful. She made you want to be the best you could be.

Looking at myself now, I began to wonder if who I saw in the mirror, the new me, was really me at all. I really was beginning to hate who I was. Thinking about Steph reminded me of the good old days.

....

The good old days. I called them the good old days. I’m such an idiot. They were the good days and not because we had little responsibility or that I still believed there was no limit to what I could achieve, but because I was myself. My friends liked me for me and I liked them for who they were. Not just on the outside, but on the inside. And Steph had been my friend.

We all messed it up, though. Steph was the only smart one of us all. She was the only one who still smiled at us and was still kind to us no matter how mean we were to her. How she did it, I didn't know. How she could be so nice to me and the rest of our old group astounds me.

I knew what I wanted to do. I honestly didn’t expect anyone to forgive me for what I had done. I didn’t expect Steph to. If she survived, that is. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t be who I was anymore. I hated who I saw in the mirror. It wasn’t who I was. I know I’ve been a complete a*s and I knew I didn’t deserve to ever be forgiven for how I treated them all, for how I treated Steph, but I was going to do everything I could to make it up to them.

If I lost my friends, then so be it. They didn’t even know the real me. They only knew the fake me. Maybe they were faking it too, because they believed that this is how they should be acting. Maybe... I guess I’d find out soon enough. I grabbed my wallet and phone and took off towards the bus. I was going to see Steph. Maybe I should bring her something. Flowers?

Yes, flowers. She had always loved lilies. I wondered if she still did. It was all I could think of, so I decided on getting her some lilies on my way there.

I prayed that I wasn’t too late. I prayed she would be okay. When she woke up, I was determined to be there for her. I wasn’t there for her the other times, but this time I would be.