Fear

I am describing what I am afraid of and why. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have.

Fears

 

I feel like I am stuck within the realm of time and space. No matter how fast my legs may feel like they are carrying me from one state to another I do not move any faster. It seems as though I have gotten it down to a science with my million plans that range from A to Z. Some of them are outrageous and daring; then you’ve got the simple “normal” ones that everyone thinks of by default. Lets start from the beginning and bear with me while I bore you to absolute tears.

 

It all first started when I was about 3 years old. My father had left us at this point in time so I took it upon myself to protect my mom. I always worried that she would abandon us too and as I got older I plotted and planned on how I would take care of my younger brothers and my grandmother. I don’t know why I was afraid of her leaving us but I wish I knew she was a diamond in the rough. Anyhow, back to my 3 year old self. So I put it in my head that I was going to protect my mother. She always said to me that when I was 3, I would sit outside of our house waiting for her to come inside and I would not go to sleep until I knew she was inside the house. Whenever she asked me to go to bed while she was outside bringing everything in, my reply was “mommy I want to protect you from the thief”. I somehow thought that if my mother did not leave on her own, then someone else would steal her away from me. Ever since then, I always wanted to protect her from the “thief”. This is where it all began and the rest just went downhill.

Are ya bored to tears yet? Because its about to get worse…

 

The purpose behind boring you about my “personal history” was that I wanted you understand where it all came from. My crazy idea that I could save everyone or anyone for that matter. That’s all I have ever wanted to do ever since I could remember. I just wanted to save someone, one person, one child, one adult, one soul. I understand that this may sound completely delusional and I may need some psychiatric help but I just cannot get it out of my head. Every morning when I wake up the first thing that pops into my head is that I still haven’t saved anyone. The ideas are all pilling up in my head and I cannot stop formulating a new one every single day but it feels like no matter how many ideas I may have, or no matter what I do I still can’t save anyone. The simple explanation for this is that I am chasing time and there is way to much space between me and that clock. Every single minute that passes by I can feel myself giving up. Every single hour that passes I feel like it has been wasted on planning and scheming. I keep telling myself that its going to be alright, I still have time, I can still do it, let me start off with the simple stuff. Regardless of what I do it just seems like there isn’t enough that is being done.

See I told you I was loony…

 

So where do I start or end. I can keep on chasing time but I know I will never win or catch up. The questions still haunt me. The realization that I am losing dawns on me every single second that goes by. Should I accept reality or should I continue on and just simply dream?

I really hope you haven’t fallen asleep at this point…

Before you go I just wanted to tell you what my fear was if you haven’t already figured it out, “I am afraid of not having the time to save anyone”.

 

-Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving. I'm not the station, I'm not the stop: I'm the train. I'm the train. ~Martin Amis, Money: A Suicide Note, 1984

 

Author's Note

Some sentences may come off like they are run-ons or fragmented and I meant for it to be this way.