My Christmas Eve

2013

I put on my mourning clothes

locked myself in my room

wrote the first chapter of the novel I will never finish

went downstairs to pee

saw spaghetti, chicken, and salad on the table

ate a bowl of salad

felt sick to my stomach

fought the urge to throw up

heard my mother's invitation to go to mass together

turned her down

went to my room

checked my phone for messages

reread my writing

labeled it as utter nonsense

considered burning it

changed my mind

kept it under a pile of other drafts

stared at the ceiling

wondered what other people  might be up to

missed my darling

remembered he hadn't sent me a single message confirming he's still alive

hated him

missed him to the point of insanity

buried my head under the pillow

thought of him some more

thought of him no more

got out of my bed

grabbed a book from my shelf

lost myself between pages

remembered it's Christmas eve

remembered baby Jesus

tried to cheer myself up

smiled

looked like the most stupid pretender ever

stopped trying

sank down

cried...

asked for forgiveness

wished for death.

Author's Note

My worst Christmas eve in my history. I hope you had a good one. Cheers!

Reviews

[Scott Metro]

In a way this is humorous...a step by step account of the banality of the everyday.
Cute.

Enjoyed the read.
Scott

[Blue]

Thank you so much, Scott!

[Scott Metro]

:)
Scott......

[Eddie Davis]

Wow, Blue that was really sad, Christmas time can be some of the most somber, depressing times of the year. I've learned that sometimes all you can really do is just wade through it and pick out of it what you can to enjoy. Don't feel too bad, there are a lot of people out there that had a crappy Christmas too. Things will get better for you, I'm quite sure of it, for you have the talent and fire to go places, even after dark and depressing Christmases.

I've had a number of dark ones myself, but trust me, better days -- and happier Christmases are in your future. Until then, keep writing about it, and I for one am very interested in the first chapter of that novel you wrote. You are in inspiration to a lot of people, Blue, even your account of a bad Christmas Eve might help someone. It sounds crazy, but you might be surprised. Hang in there, dear girl!

[Blue]

Haha. I felt like a five-year-old when you said "dear girl". So sweet. :P Thanks a lot, Eddie.

[icelandicblue]

Life is hard and a holiday does not wash it all away. I can only hope that things get better and you feel more peace.

[Blue]

Thank you, Ice. Things are getting better now.

[icelandicblue]

Good, I am happy for you.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Well dear Blue you are not alone in this experience. And you will work it through. This gives us a very descriptive account of your Christmas emotions. You will get through it and whatever happens there is another day when you will feel love.

[Blue]

Come back to this site, John! Haha. I really missed you.

[Dr. Wood ?]

you painted it so well tho' Blue, please do not look upon it as an ending, but as a new start

[Blue]

Thank you, Doc. It's so nice of you to say that.