Beautiful Love

Right; so I wrote this 'song' a couple of months ago and then yesterday I kinda erased it and rewrote the piece in 7 and a half minutes (Cake break counted =P)

Beautiful,
Is the twinkle in your eyes,
When I see you smile,
At me.

Beautiful,
How you swept me off my feet,
Purely,
So easily.

And when you held out your hand for me,
I knew you knew I always knew;

It's so plain and so perfect,
Don't you think it's so wonderful,
It's a beautiful love,
And I owe it all to you.

Beautiful,
Is the feeling when I look behind,
To find you,
Standing there.

Beautiful,
When you touch my eyes,
And clear those teardrops,
Away.

And when you save me from falling apart,
I knew you knew I always knew;

I want you to know,
That it's more than just a miracle,
It's a beautiful love,
And I owe it all to you.

Beautiful,
Is the way you teach me,
Little things in life,
Eagerly.

Beautiful,
When you guide me to dance,
Under the moonlight,
In the rain.

And when you make the time slow down,
I knew you knew I always knew;

There's magic everywhere,
It sparkles when you're around,
It's a beautiful love,
And I owe it all to you.

Beautiful,
When you forget the present,
So easily,
For me.

Beautiful,
Is how I deeply care,
About this trust you have,
In me.

And the way my head fits into your neck,
I knew you knew I always knew;

It just needs some evil,
To make it a fairytale,
It's a beautiful love,
And I owe it all to you.

Author's Note

Good critique always welcomed =)

Reviews

I like this poem, it radiates an unspoken emotion. I'm not in love with the pace of this poem though; there's too many commas that make the poem too slow. The opening stanza is cohesive enough to be read as one sentence but with the commas, you break up each word and make them stand alone in definition, thus changing the meaning of the stanza itself.

Also, when you do a very nice repetition of words in the following stanzas, the commas break up and slow the sentence down so much, that the repetition is not felt, but just falls flat.

Read the following sentence once with using the punctuation you chose, and once without any punctuation at all. Can you feel the strength of the repetition?

Beautiful,
Is the way you teach me,
Little things in life,
Eagerly.

Beautiful,
When you guide me to dance,
Under the moonlight,
In the rain.

The faster the reader is hit with the repetition of "beautiful" the more likely the reader is to feel the emotion you are trying to convey. The commas slow and distort this so much, that it is difficult to feel. There's no need to put a comma at the end of every line break. Hope this helped you. Thanks.

[theonlyone]

This poem is beautiful... :) It's well-written, honest, heartwarming... Enjoyable to read

[Ashesh]

Full of love .. what else can I say >> Beautiful!

[Angel Veselinov]

Really nice and well written poem :) Good Work thanks for sharing :)

[Cynthia]

It's a really good poem. 'Beautiful' this subjects is good, this subject is beautiful and it's very nice

[vincentbals]

Great poem. Nicely written. Beautiful subject. Thanks for sharing this!

[raining]

I like to read about the sincere love for another, good when your like me abit older, and having been and done love so long ago... My heart reaches out to want to have it all again, enjoy love, and life for one day... you shall be 57 and looking back all the time. Thanks for this poem, raining.

[dovetailer]

young love is so pure...so innocent...so trusting...
young love is what love should be...
open, honest, unassuming...
later loves are different...we become more careful...more cynical...more protective of our heart...more prone to check our footing...more relying on assurances before we trust completely...if we ever do once we have been heartbroken...
the feeling of love is so incredible we keep risking everything we know can happen in order to have it in our grasp...
lovely sentiments...
maybe you will read my poem "Romance"... a point of view of an old man that dreams of love...
I hope your dreams become your reality...

[.]

what a beautiful song..I would change teardrops to tears to flow better. saying that it is a wonderful piece, loved 'And the way my head fits into your neck 'LOL

[Black Cat Fever]

I must say this is impressive and makes a wonderful song. I'm just wondering how it would sound to music and what sort of music would you choose?