Chapter One; The Good Deeds Project

A Chapter by Artsy11200

Ryan woke up to the sound of sizzling bacon and eggs cooking down stairs in the kitchen. He got out of bed with messy hair and a smile on his face. He brushed his hair and sat down at the table to eat breakfast, “ Good morning sleepy head!” said his mom placing the meal in front of him. He thanked her and scarfed down the meal in six bites, while his mom savored her food and ate in small bites.

Ryan then chugged his orange juice in just one gulp and sat up from the table. “ Where are you going in such a hurry,” said his mom. “I want to get dressed nice for the last day of school,” He said. He ran upstairs to get changed, and came down with jean shorts and an tee-shirt. He sat a ball cap on his head, got his backpack, and headed outside to the bus stop. Waiting there were his three friends Chloe, Mathew, and Logan playing on their cell phones. Ryan wanted to start a conversation, but he was shy and decided not to.

The bus came, everyone hopped on and set off to the last day of school. When the bus got there Ryan hopped off on walked into the building. The bell rang and he had to sprint to class if he didn’t want a tardy. Sadly when Ryan walked in, the teacher held a single note card that said “Tardy” in big bold letters. He grabbed the note, put it in his folder, and sat down. The students loud voices washed over him and he became overwhelmed. So much so, that his stomach started to hurt.

The teacher walked into the classroom, and the room went silent. The teacher nodded and sat down in her seat, she typed something on the computer that appeared on the Smartboard. “The Good Deeds Project” was in a large font and in bright red letters. Under the title she typed, “Partner up with someone at your table group.” Ryan groaned, the thought of a group project was enough to make him sick. He looked around the table, he saw two boys throwing punches at each other, and a shy red haired girl who he didn’t even know.

Ryan thought deeply, he didn’t want to get punched at anytime in this project, but he didn’t want to be seen with a girl. He looked back and forth at the girl, and the boys, he finally made his decision. He walked over to the red haired girl and asked, “Would you like to be partners with me?” The girl stuttered and blushed, but before she could say a word, the teacher called Ryan to her desk.

Ryan walked slowly to the desk, the way you would walk if you heard a sound in your closet late at night. He took a deep breath and said, “Yes M-Mam?” She than handed him a stack of envelopes, “Could you be a dear and pass these out for me?” Ryan nodded and wiped his forehead in relief, he then realized that the envelopes held report cards. The stress then came back to him in a flash.

He passed out the envelopes as fast as he could, until the last one read, “Ryan Miller” He gulped and sat down in his seat. The red haired girl across from him looked amused and was smiling, while Ryan on the other hand was shaking and could barely breath. He closed his eyes and opened the envelope in a flash, he then peeked out of one eye and saw all straight A’s. Ryan jumped out of his chair and started dancing and singing, like when you just won a video game. The red haired girl chuckled and said, “Nice moves!” Ryan then realized what he did and sat back down slowly, he tried to hide himself with a few books, but it didn’t work.

The teacher then got up, and walked to the smart board. “Ok class,” she said sounding tired as ever, “We will be doing a project over the summer called the good deeds project. We will be recording the amount of good deeds you will be doing for three months. When school starts back up again we will calculate whose team had the most deeds, and that team will get a special prize.” The class whispered after hearing about the prize.

The teacher walked back to her seat as soon as the bell rang. Ryan grabbed his supplies and ran out the door, but he was stopped by the red haired girl. She then whispered, “I would love to work with you!” Ryan blushed, and ran away.

next chapter

© 2018 Artsy11200

My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register

Reviews

JayG

Your bio says you “suck” at writing, and that you will use the site to improve. I have to ask; how? How will posting your work here, as against simply writing, change anything?

You might say that the reactions you get will help you improve. But will they? Will the views of people who cannot sell their own work tell you how to write on a professional level? You need more. You need the specialized knowledge and tricks of the trade. Every profession has things that aren't visible to those outside the trade, but which become obvious once pointed out. Don't believe that applies to writing fiction? Try this:

Ask ten friends to tell you what's different about the first paragraph of every chapter in over half the novels you'll find in the library. I'm betting that if you're lucky, one might know. And that's something we see all the time. If we miss something so obvious, how much else, that's not obvious do we miss?

Several relevant quotes, from successful writers:

• “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

Do you believe that the writing skills we’re given in our school days can accomplish this? The answer isn't no, it's hell no.

• “Readers don’t notice point-of-view errors. They simply sense that the writing is bad.”
~ Sol Stein

If Mr. Stein is right, will comments by others with no more professional knowledge, tell you that you have POV errors—and how to fix them?

• “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

That one hits the bullseye, which is that you cannot use the tool you aren’t aware exists. And think about it…if we learned what we need to know in our school days, would the rejection rate be greater than 99.9%?

My point is that though we’re not aware of it, our teachers spent zero time on such things like the use of short-term scene-goals, why scenes on the page end in disaster for the protagonist, and the other elements of presenting a story on the page. So the result is that pretty much everyone who decides to record their stories ends up trying to use their schooldays writing skills. And because they already know the story, and can fill in the details and images as they read, for that writer, it works perfectly. For the reader? Not so much.

Bearing in mind that the examples I’m about to give are the product of that problem, and not a matter of writing skill or talent, look at a few lines from a publisher’s viewpoint:

• Ryan woke up to the sound of sizzling bacon and eggs cooking down stairs in the kitchen.

Forgetting that it's really hard to hear that from the average bedroom (the smell is a lot easier) Story isn’t a recording of the events making up the story, it’s the distilled essence of it. As the great Alfred Hitchcock put it: “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.” And getting up and dressing for the day, something we all do, every day, is a dull bit. Why would I want to read about someone doing what I did a few hours ago? Is it something that moves the plot? No. Does it help the reader know his character as a person? Again no. How about setting the scene? No, because nothing happens that a reader must know. If you open at the bus stop, or in the classroom, would the reader lose anything they need to know? If not, you’re opening the story in the wrong place. I do have to ask how, if he came on a bus, how he can be tardy without at least saying, "The bus was late."

• He got out of bed with messy hair and a smile on his face.

Uhh…where else would he wear a smile? Given that, why explain what the reader already knows? Does anyone wake with neat hair? So again, why mention it? Never tell a reader what’s obvious, or something they already know.

But added to that, if we don’t know WHY he’s smiling, who cares? Suppose, though, you had him wake, take a deep breath and then smile as he thought, “Last day of school…how nice.” Now, not only does the reader know he’s awake, and why he’s smiling, you set the scene for the reader as being on that day. See how small things the reader hardly notices adds so much to the story, without you having to step on stage and explain?

• He brushed his hair and sat down at the table to eat breakfast,

As stated, his bed is in the kitchen. Not what you meant, of course, but it is what you said. Remember, you’re mentally watching the film. The reader sees only what you make them know. But again, who cares that he brushed his hair? He probably emptied his bladder, brushed his teeth, and at least put on pants or a bathrobe. Why mention only the hair? Why mention anything? that he's expected to do. In fact, to place him into the kitchen, wouldn’t “Finished getting ready for the day he bounced down the stairs whistling,” tell the reader that his mood is great, and that it’s a two story house? If you want him to go back up and change, just the last six words would work. Wouldn't a line like that be both scene setting and character development?

And why tell us he sat down to eat, or even that it’s breakfast. Won’t the reader assume that he sits to eat like you and I do. if you don’t tell them different? Won’t the reader know it’s breakfast, given that he just woke, and it’s ham and eggs? Make use of implication. It gets you off stage and keeps you from blocking the reader’s view of the action.

• “ Where are you going in such a hurry,” said his mom. “I want to get dressed nice for the last day of school,” He said.

First: a new speaker counts as a new subject, so it rates a new paragraph.

Next, tags are used only when required to identify the speaker, or something about them or the delivery. In this case, Mom asks a question. There are only two of them in the kitchen. Does the reader really need you to explain who answered?

My point is not that you’re making mistakes, it’s that because you’re missing information you’re making mistakes. And it's not a matter of good/bad writing, or talent. It’s that your teachers have the task of preparing you to become a productive, and employed, adult. So they teach a set of general skills that will make that possible.

In the case of writing, we're given the kind of writing needed on the job—which is why you wrote so many reports and essays and so few stories. In short, you learned a style of writing that is author-centric and fact-based: designed to inform. And clearly, you’re using that set of skills here. You’re providing an accurate, and complete chronicle of events, dispassionately reported by a voice that lacks any trace of emotion. The emotion is there when you read, of course, because you hear your own voice, speaking as if there’s an audience. But what does a reader get? Whatever meaning the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background. That’s modified only by what the punctuation suggests. Have your computer read it aloud and you’ll hear what I mean.

Think about it. Why do we read fiction? Isn’t it for entertainment? And how entertaining is a report?

Fiction, with a different goal—entertaining as against informing—requires different methodology. It needs emotion-based writing that’s also character-centric, to make us feel as if we’re living the events as we read, not simply learning about them. Why does that matter? Because if ten people view the same event you have ten people taking away very different reactions to it. There’s an old saying that where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. If it’s your problem you react very differently from when the problem is someone else’s. So placing the reader into the protagonist’s viewpoint matters a great deal to that reader’s perception of the story, To see how much this influences what a reader gets as the character and situation of the protagonist is changed, this article might help.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

Viewpoint is the single most important item you need to master. POV, which involves only which personal pronouns you use is an authorial choice. But viewpoint is how a reader is sucked into the story and made to care.

In this story someone we know nothing about wakes up goes to school on the last day. There, in the classroom, and at his table, is a girl he doesn’t know? After a full school of sitting near her? He doesn’t introduce himself before asking her to partner? Does that make sense? No.

As an outside-in storyteller you assign everyone's actions and dial;og via the script. And the characters read the script as ordered. But...had you been writing from HIS viewpoint, and focused on her AS-HIM, you'd have had him act as HE would behave in that situation, based on HIS situation, as HE perceives it. You’d have realized that he either knew her or had to say “Hi, I’m Ryan.” What he does and says would be according to HIS analysis of the situation, modified by HIS needs and insecurities. And certainly, when the teacher interrupted his conversation, his thought of “Oh s**t…not now,” and his muttered, “please don’t tell me I’m in trouble” or whatever his personality dictated, would help make him real. Providing a dispassionate overview of events? Not so much.

So how do you fix the problem? Simple. You’re missing the tricks of the trade that the pros use, so dig them up and make them yours. And that’s no more complicated than visiting the local library’s fiction-writing section. And while you're there, seek the names, Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. Debs is the easiest, and Swain's the best—but a university level book.

I wish I could say that making use of those tricks was simple, too. But you are learning the specialized knowledge of the fiction-writer’s profession. And, you will not only have to know them as well as the nonfiction skills you spent twelve years in school perfecting, you’ll have to convince your existing skills to stop shouting, “No…that’s wrong!” every time you try to write with those new skills.

But, the result will be well worth the effort. And in the end, doesn’t it make sense to spend some time and perhaps a few dollars on your writer’s education if you hope to have the reader view your writing as being as interesting, and exciting, as that of the pros?

For an idea of how broad the field is, and the areas you need to work on, the articles in my blog are meant for the hopeful writer, so they might be helpful. But they aren’t meant to teach you to write, only clarify and identify issues. For the best information, always go to the pro.

“Michaelangelo did not have a college degree, nor did Leonardo da Vinci. Thomas Edison didn't. Neither did Mark Twain (though he was granted honorary degrees in later life.) All of these people were professionals. None of them were experts. Get your education from professionals, and always avoid experts.”
~ Holly Lisle

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 6 Years Ago

Your bio says you “suck” at writing, and that you will use the site to improve. I have to ask; how? How will posting your work here, as against simply writing, change anything?

You might say that the reactions you get will help you improve. But will they? Will the views of people who cannot sell their own work tell you how to write on a professional level? You need more. You need the specialized knowledge and tricks of the trade. Every profession has things that aren't visible to those outside the trade, but which become obvious once pointed out. Don't believe that applies to writing fiction? Try this:

Ask ten friends to tell you what's different about the first paragraph of every chapter in over half the novels you'll find in the library. I'm betting that if you're lucky, one might know. And that's something we see all the time. If we miss something so obvious, how much else, that's not obvious do we miss?

Several relevant quotes, from successful writers:

• “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

Do you believe that the writing skills we’re given in our school days can accomplish this? The answer isn't no, it's hell no.

• “Readers don’t notice point-of-view errors. They simply sense that the writing is bad.”
~ Sol Stein

If Mr. Stein is right, will comments by others with no more professional knowledge, tell you that you have POV errors—and how to fix them?

• “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
 ~ Mark Twain

That one hits the bullseye, which is that you cannot use the tool you aren’t aware exists. And think about it…if we learned what we need to know in our school days, would the rejection rate be greater than 99.9%?

My point is that though we’re not aware of it, our teachers spent zero time on such things like the use of short-term scene-goals, why scenes on the page end in disaster for the protagonist, and the other elements of presenting a story on the page. So the result is that pretty much everyone who decides to record their stories ends up trying to use their schooldays writing skills. And because they already know the story, and can fill in the details and images as they read, for that writer, it works perfectly. For the reader? Not so much.

Bearing in mind that the examples I’m about to give are the product of that problem, and not a matter of writing skill or talent, look at a few lines from a publisher’s viewpoint:

• Ryan woke up to the sound of sizzling bacon and eggs cooking down stairs in the kitchen.

Forgetting that it's really hard to hear that from the average bedroom (the smell is a lot easier) Story isn’t a recording of the events making up the story, it’s the distilled essence of it. As the great Alfred Hitchcock put it: “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.” And getting up and dressing for the day, something we all do, every day, is a dull bit. Why would I want to read about someone doing what I did a few hours ago? Is it something that moves the plot? No. Does it help the reader know his character as a person? Again no. How about setting the scene? No, because nothing happens that a reader must know. If you open at the bus stop, or in the classroom, would the reader lose anything they need to know? If not, you’re opening the story in the wrong place. I do have to ask how, if he came on a bus, how he can be tardy without at least saying, "The bus was late."

• He got out of bed with messy hair and a smile on his face.

Uhh…where else would he wear a smile? Given that, why explain what the reader already knows? Does anyone wake with neat hair? So again, why mention it? Never tell a reader what’s obvious, or something they already know.

But added to that, if we don’t know WHY he’s smiling, who cares? Suppose, though, you had him wake, take a deep breath and then smile as he thought, “Last day of school…how nice.” Now, not only does the reader know he’s awake, and why he’s smiling, you set the scene for the reader as being on that day. See how small things the reader hardly notices adds so much to the story, without you having to step on stage and explain?

• He brushed his hair and sat down at the table to eat breakfast,

As stated, his bed is in the kitchen. Not what you meant, of course, but it is what you said. Remember, you’re mentally watching the film. The reader sees only what you make them know. But again, who cares that he brushed his hair? He probably emptied his bladder, brushed his teeth, and at least put on pants or a bathrobe. Why mention only the hair? Why mention anything? that he's expected to do. In fact, to place him into the kitchen, wouldn’t “Finished getting ready for the day he bounced down the stairs whistling,” tell the reader that his mood is great, and that it’s a two story house? If you want him to go back up and change, just the last six words would work. Wouldn't a line like that be both scene setting and character development?

And why tell us he sat down to eat, or even that it’s breakfast. Won’t the reader assume that he sits to eat like you and I do. if you don’t tell them different? Won’t the reader know it’s breakfast, given that he just woke, and it’s ham and eggs? Make use of implication. It gets you off stage and keeps you from blocking the reader’s view of the action.

• “ Where are you going in such a hurry,” said his mom. “I want to get dressed nice for the last day of school,” He said.

First: a new speaker counts as a new subject, so it rates a new paragraph.

Next, tags are used only when required to identify the speaker, or something about them or the delivery. In this case, Mom asks a question. There are only two of them in the kitchen. Does the reader really need you to explain who answered?

My point is not that you’re making mistakes, it’s that because you’re missing information you’re making mistakes. And it's not a matter of good/bad writing, or talent. It’s that your teachers have the task of preparing you to become a productive, and employed, adult. So they teach a set of general skills that will make that possible.

In the case of writing, we're given the kind of writing needed on the job—which is why you wrote so many reports and essays and so few stories. In short, you learned a style of writing that is author-centric and fact-based: designed to inform. And clearly, you’re using that set of skills here. You’re providing an accurate, and complete chronicle of events, dispassionately reported by a voice that lacks any trace of emotion. The emotion is there when you read, of course, because you hear your own voice, speaking as if there’s an audience. But what does a reader get? Whatever meaning the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background. That’s modified only by what the punctuation suggests. Have your computer read it aloud and you’ll hear what I mean.

Think about it. Why do we read fiction? Isn’t it for entertainment? And how entertaining is a report?

Fiction, with a different goal—entertaining as against informing—requires different methodology. It needs emotion-based writing that’s also character-centric, to make us feel as if we’re living the events as we read, not simply learning about them. Why does that matter? Because if ten people view the same event you have ten people taking away very different reactions to it. There’s an old saying that where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. If it’s your problem you react very differently from when the problem is someone else’s. So placing the reader into the protagonist’s viewpoint matters a great deal to that reader’s perception of the story, To see how much this influences what a reader gets as the character and situation of the protagonist is changed, this article might help.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

Viewpoint is the single most important item you need to master. POV, which involves only which personal pronouns you use is an authorial choice. But viewpoint is how a reader is sucked into the story and made to care.

In this story someone we know nothing about wakes up goes to school on the last day. There, in the classroom, and at his table, is a girl he doesn’t know? After a full school of sitting near her? He doesn’t introduce himself before asking her to partner? Does that make sense? No.

As an outside-in storyteller you assign everyone's actions and dial;og via the script. And the characters read the script as ordered. But...had you been  writing from HIS viewpoint, and focused on her AS-HIM, you'd have had him act as HE would behave in that situation, based on HIS  situation, as HE perceives it. You’d have realized that he either knew her or had to say “Hi, I’m Ryan.” What he  does and says would be according to HIS analysis of the situation, modified by HIS needs and insecurities. And certainly, when the teacher interrupted his conversation, his thought of “Oh shit…not now,” and his muttered, “please don’t tell me I’m in trouble” or whatever his personality dictated, would help make him real. Providing a dispassionate overview of events? Not so much.

So how do you fix the problem? Simple. You’re missing the tricks of the trade that the pros use, so dig them up and make them yours. And that’s no more complicated than visiting the local library’s fiction-writing section. And while you're there, seek the names, Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. Debs is the easiest, and Swain's the best—but a university level book.

I wish I could say that making use of those tricks was simple, too. But you are learning the specialized knowledge of the fiction-writer’s profession. And, you will not only have to know them as well as the nonfiction skills you spent twelve years in school perfecting, you’ll have to convince your existing skills to stop shouting, “No…that’s wrong!” every time you try to write with those new skills.

But, the result will be well worth the effort. And in the end, doesn’t it make sense to spend some time and perhaps a few dollars on your writer’s education if you hope to have the reader view your writing as being as interesting, and exciting, as that of the pros?

For an idea of how broad the field is, and the areas you need to work on, the articles in my blog are meant for the hopeful writer, so they might be helpful. But they aren’t meant to teach you to write, only clarify and identify issues. For the best information, always go to the pro.

“Michaelangelo did not have a college degree, nor did Leonardo da Vinci. Thomas Edison didn't. Neither did Mark Twain (though he was granted honorary degrees in later life.) All of these people were professionals. None of them were experts. Get your education from professionals, and always avoid experts.”
~ Holly Lisle

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100